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Wife For Life

By Agent Bedhead | Posted Under Career Assessments | Comments (30)



lane10sm.jpg

Subject: Diane Lane, 45-year old American actress

Date of Assessment: October 8, 2010

Positive Buzzwords: Longevity, underrated, nudity

Negative Buzzwords: Limited range, ageism

The Case: Media outlets often describe this actress as a “lifer,” a term that most commonly refers to institutionalized persons (or for certain persons in the Navy, a Lazy, Inefficient Fucker Expecting Retirement), which probably says something about the nature of show business. Still, Diane Lane has been in the biz since age 14, at which point she entered mainstream cinema with A Little Romance. And although she quickly rode high with Francis Ford Coppola for The Outsiders and Rumble Fish, the subsequent (and perhaps inevitable) fall came with The Cotton Club. She then took a three-year break from the Hollywood grind; following this self-imposed exile, Lane returned to the scene with a “Lonesome Dove” stint and then moved on to everything from bit roles in well-regarded movies like Chaplin to large-scale clunkers like Judge Dredd. Come to think of it, Lane has amassed an impressive number of box-office failures for such an enduring actress, yet she usually manages to redeem herself with critically-acclaimed turns in movies like Hollywoodland and the occasional blockbuster like The Perfect Storm.

Lane shines the most in seemingly typical yet emotionally complicated “wife” roles (A Walk on the Moon; Under the Tuscan Sun; Unfaithful, for which she was rewarded with a nomination for the Best Actress Oscar). Overall, she’s a moderately underrated actress, but it’s easy to forget her undeniable talent and appeal because of two overriding reasons: (1) She’s made some really poor decisions lately; and (2) She possesses a seemingly overwhelming need to get her kit off. At present, Lane’s career has yet to suffer the consequences of the aforementioned decisions, which include Killshot, Untraceable, Nights In Rodanthe, and Jumper. Exactly how her public appeal endures is a mystery, but it might have something to do with her willingness to get naked. Lane’s notorious reputation for disrobing in a role has sprung from only a handful of movies within a total of fifty films (mostly theater fare with a few made-for-tv entries). Not that nudity has hurt Kate Winslet’s career in any shape or fashion, but a nice set of buns and knockers runs is not easily forgotten, so we remember these cinematic moments a lot more than, say, Lane’s turn as yet another housewife in My Dog Skip.

Essentially, Diane Lane has pulled off the miraculous feat of remaining employable in Hollywood for a good three decades. Even more amazing is the fact that she’s done so without slicing up her face. It has been noted that, at the recent Jonah Hex premiere, 24-year old Megan Fox was shown no mercy in the natural beauty department by 45-year old Lane. Here’s a comparative shot for illustrative purposes:

jonahhexlasm.jpg

Whatever it is that provides for lasting good looks and charisma, Lane’s definitely got it. Further, her approach is so understated that she easily accomplishes a hell of a lot more than non-actresses like Megan Fox. As obvious as this point may seem, it easily proves why Lane has endured throughout her ages while countless starlets have come and gone.

Prognosis: This weekend’s Secretariat, surprisingly, is receiving some serious buzz with talk of the Disney film being this year’s The Blind Side in terms of the Best Actress Oscar race. Regardless of whether this is merely the studio publicity machine working in overdrive, no one expects that Lane will be treated like a race horse herself and be put out to pasture anytime soon. Still, it’s almost a necessary evil (in terms of box-office appeal) that women over 40 are privy to fewer roles, and Lane will soon need to extend herself beyond her trademarked housewife-in-conflict persona. Then again, she’s currently filming Cinema Verite (as Pat Loud, matron of the 1970s reality tv family), so she doesn’t appear to be moving past her typical roles at any point soon.

Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at agentbedhead.com.









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Comments

She'll always be Breezy from "Six Pack" to me. I fell hard and I think I was only 10.

Posted by: Rob at October 8, 2010 2:14 PM

Oh, Geez, the Loud family. The first reality TV family. As I recall, it didn't end well. And we still haven't learned.

Posted by: BWeaves at October 8, 2010 2:23 PM

I remember I first saw her in Streets of Fire.

Still not sure about the film, but even fully clothed she looked amazing...

Posted by: Simon at October 8, 2010 2:34 PM

Yes, I too, always remember her from Streets of Fire. I liked her then and continue to like her now.

I really loved Streets of Fire.

Posted by: FordbiddenDonut at October 8, 2010 2:42 PM

Just for the record, I find that picture of Miss Lane next to the painted mannequin offensive. I know it's not your fault, Bedhead. I would also like to state that Miss Lane is fucking hot and I would much rather do terrible, unspeakable yet sexy things with her than with the majority of young actresses these days.

Posted by: admin at October 8, 2010 2:46 PM

What admin said.

Posted by: Alex at October 8, 2010 2:53 PM

I always remember her from Lady Beware, one of those movies from that brief period where decorating department store windows was the big glamour job in Hollywood.

Well, that and making fun of Christopher Lambert's 92,000,000 Highlander films after they divorced.

Posted by: Melodie at October 8, 2010 2:58 PM

I would "wife" her everyday and twice on Sunday.

Posted by: logan at October 8, 2010 3:23 PM

As someone who is the same age as Lane, I can assure you that when you get to 45, if you have a bod that looks like Lane's then there's nothing wrong with showing it off.

Also, Unfaithful and Walk On The Moon were good enough films, but please omit the dreck that was Under The Tuscan Sun. She didn't even play a wife in it, she played a desperate clinging moron with way more money than sense.

Posted by: PaddyDog at October 8, 2010 3:25 PM

I'm sorry, was someone questioning the greatness of Streets of Fire? Let's not do that, because really we're all friends here and I don't want to have to do...well, pretty much anything. I'm very very lazy.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at October 8, 2010 3:34 PM

Unfaithful drove me mad and I cannot separate her as a person from her character, who infuriated me so strongly that I have avoided every subsequent role.

So, good acting? I guess?

Posted by: superasente at October 8, 2010 5:24 PM

Errmm...MrCreosote,

When I said "still not sure about the film", I meant I'm still not not sure just how far up the scale of awesomeness it reaches. Obviously.

That Michael Paré, eh? How come he didn't become a massive star? From Streets of Fire to Uwe Boll - sheesh!

Yours sincerely, in friendship and laziness.

Posted by: Simon at October 8, 2010 5:59 PM

24 year old Megan Fox naked, 45 year old Diane Lane in a t-shirt and jeans (or naked I'm easy that way). Hey Megan GTFO.

Posted by: clancys_daddy at October 8, 2010 7:12 PM

I'll never get over her role in Must Love Dogs. (Sorry, I know, but the BOOK by Claire Cook was both smart and adorable.) Lane's character, supposedly a down-to-earth, maybe-too-normal, pre-school teacher, is given a new and ridiculously preposterous hairstyle in each scene. We're they trying to make her look idiotic? I felt bad for her, but hey, she accepted the role.

Posted by: Margaret Shore at October 8, 2010 8:54 PM

Yes, Streets of Fire is always the first thing I associate with Diane Lane (though I grew up watching Six Pack with my entire family so I have a fondness for her in that as well - along with Anthony Michael Hall).

@Simon - I always wondered what happened to Michael Pare. Sleepy-eyed hottie. . .

I think the best thing about that movie was "I Can Dream About You" which I'm pissed I can't purchase as a single on iTunes. I can't believe that movie was never made into a musical - it seems ripe for the picking.

Posted by: prairiegirl at October 8, 2010 10:11 PM

In those side-by-side pictures, Megan Fox looks like a Madame Tussaud's dummy (insert your own joke here). Diane Lane looks like a woman.

Posted by: Uriah Creep at October 8, 2010 10:50 PM

Never heard of Streets of Fire. It looks like it should have Vampires. RIP, old World of Darkness.

Posted by: AmbroseKalifornia at October 8, 2010 11:53 PM

I love Ms. Lane and... Streets of Fire... must netflix now!! Time to watch it again!

Posted by: balenga at October 9, 2010 12:52 AM

You failed to mention that she passed up both Splash & Risky Business. I think that's where she initially stumbled and has never quite recovered to A-list. Random sidebar, I think her husband was hottest playing Hickok on The Young Riders.

Posted by: Gem at October 9, 2010 1:40 AM

Thank you for that clarification Simon. Now I can keep on doing very little. whew.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at October 9, 2010 9:29 AM

Love Diane Lane. And I disagree on the limited range - it's just typical Hollywood scripting that keeps most actresses in the same "range". And she is just gorgeous - possibly prettier now than when she was younger. And for whatever reason, when she gets naked, it doesn't seem exploitive. Just what the scene/movie requires - like if she wasn't naked, it would be weird.

Streets of Fire - loved it! Had the biggest crush on Michael Paré after that (and Eddie & the Cruisers.) For those wondering what happened to him(according to his IMDB page), he's been steadily working in small film & TV parts, made a ton of money off of commercials in Japan and lives with his wife and child in Amsterdam. Screw fame – that sounds like a nice life.

Posted by: Groovy Violet at October 9, 2010 10:41 AM

I'm with Groovy on the range issue. You made reference to The Blind Side and I think Ms. Lane has found herself in a predicament similar that of Ms. Bullock. I just watched The Blind Side last week and really liked the movie and, once it was over, stepped back and realized, Wow! That was Sandra Bullock! It might be the first time I've ever seen her act that I didn't see the actress. I have very high hopes for Ms. Lane following the same path as did Ms. Bullock when the opportunity presents itself. Perhaps, Secretariat will be that opportunity.

Posted by: jmflynny at October 9, 2010 3:12 PM

I am Diane Lane's biggest supporter and longtime fan: I fell in love with her when I saw 'A Little Romance' on the big screen in 1979, and we've had a 30+ year, one-sided love affair that's only grown stronger over the years.

She was in Shakespeare plays onstage when she was 6; Her father was a cab driver in NYC, and a great guy by her account; her beautiful mother was a 50's Playboy model whom she lived with during that 'break' from acting.

in 1980, my best friend and I made a pilgrimage from San Antonio, TX to Sandersville, GA to profess our love and get a picture taken with her. It was 10:48am after we'd driven all night & were pretty loopy at that point.

We passed by her street as she was coming to the stop sign, driving a jeep (at 14!) and wearing a 'Cattle Annie & Little Britches' top from the movie she'd just finished. She was right behind us for about half a mile while my friend and I were screaming & jumping up and down in our seats like adolescent Beatlemaniac girls, until I was so shaken I had to pull off the road so we could calm down. My friend and I were blown away & smiling like dumbfounded idiots for the next 30 minutes, sitting in a used car lot & shaking our still-nerdy, heartsick bodies uncontrollably. Her mother was listed in the phone book and we called her from a pay phone, only to scream "We love Diane!" and hanging up immediately. We were still losers, all right, but we were happy losers.

We never followed her into that small town for fear of getting 'whupped' by local redneck boys who were probably lined up for their own chance with this gorgeous young girl; the fact that it was less than two weeks after John Lennon's assassination was probably an integral factor in our deciding to just turn around & head back home (timing wasn't our forte' either), and I never missed another movie or TV role she played for the next 30 years.

With those qualifications, I trump you all, and that asshole Rowles who professes to love romcoms but never seems to have heard of 'A Little Romance' (how many actors have made their film debut with Laurence Olivier?)

'Streets of Fire' was, and is, a crappily polished 'Warriors-meets-A-Star-Is-Born' hybrid, and Diane looks absolutely ridiculous trying to match the singer's voice in the bloated soundtrack by Meatloaf's 'Bat out of Hell' producer - it's the one film of hers I haven't been able to sit through more than 3 times.

But her godawful hairstyle in 'Secretariat'? I think my love affair is finally fizzing out, and boy am I exhausted..

Posted by: abliac at October 9, 2010 7:36 PM

Good, informative post. Here's my brief Diane Lane moment. The first junket I attended was for "The Perfect Storm," and she was the first actor my group interviewed. She seemed tired and not into the Q&A. Not unpleasant, just lackluster. She was followed by Mark Wahlberg and George Clooney, who were both on fire - funny, sharp and charismatic.

It's just an anecdote, but perhaps she doesn't suffer through the b.s. part of the movie making process as eagerly as her peers. Maybe it's hurt her in some small way.

She remains a fine actress and an uncommon beauty.

Posted by: Christian Toto at October 9, 2010 11:10 PM

This chick is lucky to be working on the big screen at this point. She's not even first tier network soap opera stock. Anyone remember when ABC did Port Charles, a third rate General Hospital spin-off back in '97...when Lane was what, 45? THAT is her level, that's what she should be doing.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 10, 2010 4:08 PM

Diane Lane is no Helen Mirren, in talent or fishing out her teats. Secretariat and the Disney machine might just buy her an Oscar at the next ceremony if all the really baity actress roles gets lost in the massive December glut.

I have no strong feelings about Diane Lane either way. I've only seen her in two pictures (Chaplin and The Virginian) and I really don't remember her well.

Posted by: Robert at October 10, 2010 8:59 PM

I will watch a million bad Diane Lane films before I watch anything with fucking Heigl in it. Diane at her worst tops what the current top box office actress has ever or will ever do. She's had clunkers, she's had good performances and she's been in movies apparently only to collect a check and I've liked her in all of them, even Unfaithful (remake of the far better Chabrol classic Une Femme Infidele).

Posted by: RJ at October 10, 2010 11:36 PM

Robert, you may just be a bit harsh on Ms. Lane. After all, who, pray tell, can be compared to Ms. Mirren?

The lady/woman/actress/chick can do no wrong. I can't wait to see Red and she's the primary motivation to do so. Not many actresses could hold their own with a cast such as that in what is bound to be a movie full of action and special effects but she will, no doubt, make it look like child's play.

Posted by: jmflynny at October 11, 2010 8:42 PM

No comments yet on how Megan Fox is dressed as Diane Lane in Streets of Fire at that Jonas Hex premiere. Wacky.

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at October 16, 2010 7:52 PM

We never followed her into that small town for fear of getting 'whupped' by local redneck boys who were probably lined up for their own chance with this gorgeous young girl; the fact that it was less than two weeks after John Lennon's assassination was probably an integral factor in our deciding to just turn around & head back home (timing wasn't our forte' either), and I never missed another movie or TV role she played for the next 30 years.

With those qualifications, I trump you all, and that asshole Rowles who professes to love romcoms but never seems to have heard of 'A Little Romance' (how many actors have made their film debut with Laurence Olivier?)

'Streets of Fire' was, and is, a crappily polished 'Warriors-meets-A-Star-Is-Born' hybrid, and Diane looks absolutely ridiculous trying to match the singer's voice in the bloated soundtrack by Meatloaf's 'Bat out of Hell' producer - it's the one film of hers I haven't been able to sit through more than 3 times.

But her godawful hairstyle in 'Secretariat'? I think my love affair is finally fizzing out, and boy am I exhausted..

Posted by: cosplay costumes at March 3, 2011 10:56 PM