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Twitter's Main Characters Vie for Dominance in the Stupidest Timeline

By Nate Parker | Social Media | August 22, 2022 |

By Nate Parker | Social Media | August 22, 2022 |


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It’s an axiom of modern life that it’s rarely smart ideas that get the most exposure. Instead, we spread the hottest, dumbest takes across the internet until they reach the major news networks. Lots of folks say there’s nothing good in this. To do so provokes outrage with no meaningful outlet. We get angry at a random Twitter avatar until they flounce from the social media network or use the clout provided by their new infamy to make the jump to a news network as their latest talking head. But I’d argue the exposure, while not great for society as a whole, does provide a service. First, we know anyone who believes internet rumors about, for example, American schools letting students self-identify as cats is not a serious person. Whether it’s your grandmother or your local news anchor, breathless reporting on students using a litter box between classes is a clear sign you shouldn’t listen. Second, it provides free entertainment, not to be sneezed at during times of high inflation. Taking your spouse to the movies is a $50 investment; telling her about the guy who thinks home-cooking is classist? Priceless.

No sane person wants to be Twitter’s main character, even for a day. Celebrities from Chrissy Teigen to Gina Carano proved that many times. That doesn’t stop many normal, supposedly intelligent people from entering their names into Twitter’s equivalent of the Powerball lotto. Millions of people enter, but only a few can win. Yesterday’s contest, for example, appeared to be between two common Twitter personalities: Condescending Fat-Shaming Dude, and Ostensibly Progressive Galaxy Brain. OPGB fired first, and it was a strong opening move:

Let’s pretend this is Monday Night Football for a minute and let’s dive into OPGB’s strategy here (Gods I miss Lord Castleton’s NFL coverage. It was the only good thing about the sport). First off, a Twitter handle like Parenting Decolonized tells us we’re dealing with a surgically removed sense of humor, a powerful weapon in any battle for Twitter domination. It’s why Glenn Greenwald hasn’t committed seppuku yet. Secondly, their tone is combative right from the start. It’s the online equivalent of “F*ck the Yankees” in Times Square without the justification that the Yankees suck. Third, they take a reasonable stance that most normal people would agree with — that while children are certainly annoying, anyone whose hatred of them forms a key part of their personality probably needs therapy — and couple it with an -ism that dramatically increases its offensive power. It’s the real-life equivalent of upgrading your Fire spell to Firaga (note for Dustin and other non-gamers: that’s a Final Fantasy reference). Once disliking children is compared to ableism, a very real social plague that has made the lives of people with disabilities difficult for the span of human existence, the human reaction is to respond emotionally; negatively, if you still retain some rationality in 2022, or positively, if you’ve lost the ability to empirically rate social issues. It’s a strong opening gambit. But let’s see what CFSD has in store for an opening salvo:

Hmm… Okay. It’s a solid first gambit for a beginner. Faux courtesy masking contempt is always a powerful play on social media. Inspired by Southern hospitality, developed during the G. W. Bush years and perfected by 15 years of social media, putting a group on blast while feigning concern is a classic “compassionate conservative” move updated for the 21st century. It lacks finesse; calling women girls is an immediate red flag, notifying the reader that whatever follows is coming from a dude that 50% of the population will rightfully dismiss out-of-hand. If this were still 2015, CFSD would have a strong chance to rise to the top. As things stand, however, he’s coming a distant second. His follow-up is similarly weak sauce.

Woof. Acknowledging a spelling error? No further justification of your stance? Letting your statement stand on its own is one thing when it’s incomprehensible nonsense like a Herschel Walker interview, but this is lazy. Let’s compare it to OPGB’s one-two combination:

Now that’s how you do it. Admitting grammar issues but immediately following it up with an escalation of hostilities is a power move. When you’ve laid a pair of Kings on the blackjack table is not the time for caution. It’s time to double down. Put it all on the line because you’re either going home a winner or in a body bag. And calling kids “the most marginalized group among us” in a country with our history during a time of increased animosity toward different ethnicities and LGBTQ folks? That’s a Bill Belichick level of strategy that guarantees exposure.

Already the race for tomorrow’s Twitter Main Character has begun. Who will take home the crown? It’s as worthless and ephemeral as a mayfly in a forest fire, so needless to say the battle for dominance is intense. We’ll do our best to keep you up-to-date because, as previously discussed, it’s good for a laugh. And who can’t use one of those? Besides, if we don’t do it, the Right will inevitably pick it up and paint all of us on the Left as proponents of feral children roaming fine restaurants and R-rated movie theaters. And while I can agree that once out of the womb children are often neglected and their concerns dismissed out of hand, there’s also a time and place for children. That time is before 8PM; that place is home, school, the park, playground, etc. Thinking kids don’t belong at any number of adult establishments or festivities doesn’t mean someone hates kids; it means they believe in boundaries. And we all need more of those too.