Let's Catch Up With the Cringiest Moments of 'MILF Manor'

By Alberto Cox Délano | TV | March 29, 2023 |

By Alberto Cox Délano | TV | March 29, 2023 |

If by any chance you are a Gen Z reading this, here’s something you might not know: TLC used to stand for The Learning Channel, as in, it was an educational channel, basically Discovery Channel 2. Their documentaries had more specific scopes and it was more pedagogical in nature than Discovery, but the quality was great across the board. Little dorky ass me had a lot of fun playing with their Flash games twenty years ago, including one where you could simulate an earthquake.

What happened over the last two decades that turned TLC into the kind of channel that has shows like MILF Manor, only the second most depraved show in their catalogue after the ones with the Duggars? I’m puzzled that this shows hasn’t stirred up a moral outrage among the Fox News crowd, as the ultimate symbol of the moral bankruptcy of Hollywood producers and West Coast elites, etc., etc. But then I realized that 33% of the Fox News crowd’s issues can be attributed to having weird, unresolved hang-ups about their moms (the other 66% is racism), so they are probably better off leaving this alone.

For those not in the know, the premise is thus: MILF Manor is a dating show where 8 attractive women over 45 will look for love among a group of 8 young men under 30 … which happen to be their sons. Everybody is dating kids that could be their sons/mums, under the watchful eyes of their actual sons/mums. It’s Freudian Horror. But few of the young men are actually frazzled by the situation, and they all make the most of it, to their credit, being good bros and not interfering with their moms’ dating.

I mean, it’s still absolutely fucked up, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Cis men at that age are pretty much gushing fountains of[Dustin Edit: ADVERTISER FRIENDLINESS] … Look, let’s say straight cis men that age will be willing and ready to do anyone and anything with BOOBS. And to whatever “But what about…?” you might have just remembered, somebody made a sexy PS5 drawing even before it came out. No, I ain’t putting a link to that.

ANYTHING WITH BOOBS.

Luckily, the first season is over after nine episodes. I would like to add “… and hopefully the last” after “first season,” but I am not hopeful. Because of people like me platforming this atrocity, the show has probably generated enough buzz to get a new season, and since this is all being produced under the tenure of WarnerDiscovery’s CEO David Zazlav, an evil man who is obviously a plant by Disney working to destroy WB, we’re probably going to get a whole lot more seasons of one the worst social experiment in US history. One which, unsurprisingly, was performed in Mexico, because it wouldn’t be American if they didn’t test their most f*cked up ideas on a Latin American country.

So, how do we recap what happened over the course of 7 horrible (and a bit boring) episodes? Well, first, I skipped two, the third and the fifth, the latter because the challenge involved a Sex Ed lesson from the moms to the boys/young men and … look, there is no goddamned good reason for mothers to be having The Talk with sons in their 20s. Maybe that’s OK for the Duggars, but they do it mostly with the teenage or twenty-too-young daughters they pawn off in arranged marriages, but not for these people who are, ostensibly, living in the civilized and modern world. Also, the plotlines really get going during chapters six through nine. Just as a recap, the mother-son duos are:

— April J, 59. She was married before to someone seven years younger. Her son is Gabriel, a California Hard Rock dude, with a face still marked by pimples.
— Pola, 48. A Mexican woman residing in Miami. She is a widower. Her son is José, and both become immediately the most lusted after by their respective camps.
— Soyoung, 50. From South Korea residing in the US. Clearly coded as the biggest man (and boy) eater of the bunch. Her son is Jimmy, who fears she’ll run a lap with every guy.
— April W, 43. From Detroit. Her son is… actually I forgot, she is barely featured in the first two episodes and I DO NOT WANT TO REWATCH THEM.
— Charlene, 46. The mandatory one from New Jersey. Claims to be actually looking for love and, tragically, she lost her daughter a few months ago. Her son is Harrison, the mandatory tall dudebro, who is also a lapdancer.
— Kelle, 50. She is not a Regular Mom, she is a Cool Mom. A Disco Mom in her own words, a California Blonde with bleached, blonde hair, and a deep tan. She is the mother of six, from different fathers, and the force of personality. Her son is Joey, the baby-faced one.
— Shannan, 50. A no-nonsense event planner. Used to be in the old-school hip-hop scene. Her son is Ryan, a fuckboy.
— Stefany, 46. The Christian One, she wears a big crucifix with plunging cleavages. Her son is Billy, and we also don’t see much of him during the first two episodes.

Also, midway through the season, April W and her son are eliminated and a new duo is brought in: Lisa Wilcox and her son … but they don’t make much of a splash and they are eliminated by the penultimate episode, as they don’t find a match. Also eliminated are Charlene (while her son Harrison left earlier because he wasn’t feeling the field), Soyoung and Jimmy and Shannan, because that’s what you get being a Black Woman on a dating show: Being lucky enough to escape early.

The main heartthrobs this season are Pola and her son José, both Miami Latines who everybody wants to plow, and José, in particular, plays the field to his advantage, going on dates with Soyoung (mother of Jimmy, a total fuckboi), Shannan (mother of Ryan, the softer-fuckboi) and finally settling for bombshell Kelle, mother of Joey, the youngest and most babyfaced of the bunch. And that’s what having an accent, being smooth, and being a Miami 8 (and a Buenos Aires 6) can do for you gentlemen. Meanwhile, a quadrangle is formed between Ryan OfShannan, Stefany, Gabriel OfApril and Pola. Gabriel, with his LA Hard Rock stylings, comes across at first as the biggest fuckboi of the bunch, but he’s actually just a swell dudebro. Gabriel ends up hitting it off with Stefany, and by the end of the season, they will take their relationship to the next level. Meanwhile, Ryan is very disappointed at striking out with Stefany, but no worries, he kept Pola as his second choice, because he has that much swagger. They hit it off and end up together by the end of the season, but they’ll be limited by geography: Pola lives in Miami, while Ryan lives in a more civilized place, Boston. The final coupling happens to have the biggest age gap: April J and Baby Joey. But we’ll get to them in a second.

For all its f**ked-up concept and execution, it’s remarkable just how civil and reasonable everyone is in this group. There is a bit of a prisoner’s dilemma game among the mothers, as they all want to score, but they all don’t want their precious boys to end up with one of the other sluts. I’m paraphrasing. But once the last four couples are selected, the moms have bonded and they are mostly supportive of their sons, but with apprehensions. Yes, i realize the hypocrisy, but can you imagine if they had tried this same premise, but with DILFS? Can you imagine how that would’ve ended up? Exactly, with a shootout.

SIGH. I’ve been beating around the bush long enough, right? (PUN NOT INTENDED, PUN DEFINITELY NOT INTENDED). You are here to read about the cringe and the gak-worthy moments. Well, in episode six, the challenge consists of the moms and the boys being blindfolded, with the boys giving the moms a sexy massage. YEP, the half-disrobed kind. The beds are lined up in a balcony, and the boys have to find their way to the first one they can find and start … massaging. Whoever does the best massage, wins an extra date or something. And yes, some of the ladies got off, within … listening distance of their sons. But worse still, poor Gabriel ended up giving the massage to his mom … and he’s a good massager. He realized it much too late.

Then, the second half of that episode has a double date, glamping under the stars. The participants are Gabriel, Stefany, Kelle, and… Billy OfStefany. So you know, double-dating with your mum. But that’s not as bad as when Kelle and Billy went into his suite’s hot tub and sauna to make out, in episode four … a suite he shares with his mom, because everybody shares a room with their moms. Later, they moved onto the bed … while Stefany and Gabriel where also hanging out in hers. LUCKILY FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED INCLUDING US THE AUDIENCE there was only actual sleeping happening … with a bit of Base 2. They should’ve burnt that villa down.

Or how about the challenge in episode eight, where the sons have to rummage through a pile of women’s underwear to find the items belonging to their moms and vice versa?

Things get more normal as the final four couples are selected. But the final challenge is the classical “we brought someone you know and love” scenario. Kelle is visited by her eldest daughter, basically a version of her at twenty and with fewer surgeries. She grills José with pointed questions and puts him to The Test: Flirting with him and asking him out on a date. José, not being an idiot, says no, and he passes with flying colors. Stefany is visited by her best friend, who grills Gabriel, too, but gives her an OK early on. Pola is also visited by her doppelganger daughter, a tough cookie, but Ryan is able to pass her questionnaire. And then in came April’s close one: Her ex-husband, the most LA, middle-aged divorced guy, with whom there are still embers. Poor baby Joey is, well, humiliated by him acting like an alpha asshole, LITERALLY sweeping April off her feet and carrying her off of the restaurant where they are all hanging out, as a joke. But sweet baby Joey gets a pep talk from the clearly very experienced José, and with that confidence boost from his potential step-father, he draws points of authority on April, and they both eventually come to appreciate each other better as friends, but not lovers. April sets baby Joey free so he can hook up with Pola’s daughter, with whom there was chemistry. As I said, everything in this reality show is very civilized, except for the premise.

Oh, and there’s a moment where the four couples and their close ones are hanging out and they a truth or dare challenge. Does Kelle sip tequila off of José’s washboard abs … in front of his mum, her son, her daughter, and the guy dating José’s mum? Of course, she does.

I always wonder when they have time to film those commentary interviews on reality shows, because they always seem to hover outside chronological time space. Yes, I know it’s called “editing,” but it exposed the artifice because they always have to remain so neutral when reflecting on what they did that very day, and they’re probably tired after long hours of shooting. Does that prevent them from realizing what they are doing?

God, I hope they don’t greenlight DILF Manor now.

Alberto Cox blames the writers of American Pie for all of this.