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TLC's 'MILF Manor' Took Away My Sweetness

By Alberto Cox Délano | TV | January 26, 2023 |

By Alberto Cox Délano | TV | January 26, 2023 |


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Instead of written a review, I could’ve just posted a picture of me, lying in the fetal position, my glare lost a thousand yards into the distance, and my lips locked into an involuntary grin. That would’ve said everything I need to say about TLC’s new reality show MILF Manor, but this is a written medium goddammit.

Horror operates there where language is no longer useful to describe things; it’s more effective when it alludes to the things we don’t want to say or even think about. That’s why monsters we can barely see and the implicit are so effective in horror movies. However, some things can horrify us simply by putting everything out there in the open, simply forcing our heads into the toilet of things we don’t want to think about. That is the case with MILF Manor.

The premise is thus: 8 attractive, single women over the age of 40 are secluded in a Mexican luxury villa where they will meet and date from a pool of 8 young men, all under the age of 25. But there’s a twist, a twist that became obvious for anyone who is even remotely familiar with the sick, f**ked-up minds of the executive board at TLC. Those eight young men? Their own sons.

THEIR OWN F**KING SONS.

So, the pool is actually of seven… unless the sick dreams of TLC’s exec board are fulfilled. Let’s just meet the contestants:

— April J, 59. She was married before to someone seven years younger. Her son is Gabriel, a California Hard Rock dude, with a face still marked by pimples.
— Pola, 48. A Mexican woman residing in Miami. She is a widower. Her son is José, and both become immediately the most lusted after by their respective camps.
— Soyoung, 50. From South Korea residing in the US. Clearly coded as the biggest man (and boy) eater of the bunch. Her son is Jimmy, who fears she’ll run a lap with every guy.
— April W, 43. From Detroit. Her son is… actually I forgot, she is barely featured in the first two episodes and I DO NOT WANT TO REWATCH THEM.
— Charlene, 46. The mandatory one from New Jersey. Claims to be actually looking for love and, tragically, she lost her daughter a few months ago. Her son is Harrison, the mandatory tall dudebro, who is also a lapdancer.
— Kelle, 50. She is not a Regular Mom, she is a Cool Mom. A Disco Mom in her own words, a California Blonde with bleached, blonde hair, and a deep tan. She is the mother of six, from different fathers, and the force of personality. Her son is Joey, the baby-faced one.
— Shannan, 50. A no-nonsense event planner. Used to be in the old-school hip-hop scene. Her son is Ryan, a fuckboy.
— Stefany, 46. The Christian One, she wears a big crucifix with plunging cleavages. Her son is Billy, and we also don’t see much of him during the first two episodes.

What are the staples of a dating reality show? You’d expect mixers and parties, where the sexy singles, in whatever combination of ratios between genders and sexual orientations (just kidding, is almost always cishet people), get to know each other, pull their moves, flirt, get into hot & heavy conversations (and I’m not talking about discussions on the Climate Crisis).

Now, picture that, but one of the persons in that group of sexy singles is your mom or your son. I had to take a shower after writing that.

Add to that idea what you’d expect from the clashing conflict of interests between mothers and sons when it comes to their respective romantic pursuits, and the standard reality tropes of someone being the obnoxious one, someone being the bitchy schemer, someone being the fuckboy, etc.

Imagine sons orbiting around their mums way too long, keeping an eye on their fellow dudebros. Standard bickering between mums and sons in the aside interviews, but in the one context YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE HAVING WITH YOUR MOM. Imagine every other mom complaining that the other bitches aren’t worthy of their beautiful boy. Imagine boys cockblocking other boys and moms cockblocking other moms.

And… I had to take another shower.

Did I mention this is not a competition reality? There are challenges, but there are no elimination rounds, at least so far. So that means we are going to witness a horrific anthropological experiment in which none of the cast members can escape. Also, each mother-son couple has to share a room.

And the challenges … I … I wanted to prevent more people from being exposed to this information. But fuck it, I ruined myself watching this so YOU didn’t have to, so you’ll have to share in the burden.

The first challenge involved the boys taking off their shirts and the mothers putting on blindfolds. The mothers touched the chests of the boys in order to discover which one is their son. Funny, it reminds me of a very politically incorrect joke about Russian roulette… forget about it. Did I mention all these guys are sub-25? They’re all fit and healthy, but they’re twigs. They’re all Chalamets, not Mescals.

The second challenge had all of them writing their deepest and darkest secret. They were then posted anonymously on a “wall of shame” for them to read. They had to discover which one was their son’s or their mother’s. The duo wins if they can’t guess each other’s secrets, the prize is going on a group date with someone of their choosing. So, everyone’s sexual escapades are revealed IN FRONT OF THE ONE PERSON YOU WOULDN’T WANT TO … Let me just give you the worst cases: Ryan admits to having been with 8 girls at once, while Soyoung admits to having slept with her son’s best friend.

This is Freudian Horror; every day I find more evidence that this is an actual subgenre.

The first two chapters leave us with Kellé and José going on a date and making out, while Jimmy goes paddleboarding with Pola, but I cannot expose you to something she said in the commentary interviews, perhaps the most horrific thing said so far.

I am not a prude. I am a modern, liberal man who will always support any way in which consenting adults manage to find love. Also, keeping it a 100, I’ve always had a thing for “mature” women, even before the advent of Jessica Chastain. But this is different, this abomination is further proof that TLC wants to destroy the idea of family. After all, they made the Duggars happen.

I will never be the same.

Alberto Cox now demands his employers pay his therapy bills, even though he’s being treated in the public system.