On prior occasions, I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’m a huge fan of Angelina Jolie, particularly in her action capacity. Even though she dabbles from time to time with Oscar bait, two Tomb Raider movies, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, and Wanted have proven that action movies truly are the Jolie legacy. Of course, Sigourney Weaver, Linda Hamilton, and Uma Thurman have also temporarily ruled the action femme realm, but none of them have endured to the point of Jolie territory. Quite simply, Jolie has endured as the unparallelled and peerless go-to-girl for such movies where a gun-wielding goddess is elemental, and word on the street is that when a script calls for a female action star, they call up Jolie first. If she passes, the project gets offered to Milla Jovovich or Kate Beckinsale. If those two pass as well, things get tricky; yes, there are a few options left, but no one with the audience pull of a Jolie. However, there is one complicating factor in Jolie’s reign; that is, she’s grown far too thin and, yes, emaciated to pull off action movies at this point in her career. I might be a rabid fan of hers, but even I agree that she was just too frail looking to pull off Salt. So it’s time to start window shopping for a new Jolie; hopefully, we won’t come off entirely emptyhanded in the end.
Zoe Saldana: While she’s been described by a certain men’s magazine as “the ass-kickingest female star since Angelina Jolie,” I fully believe that we should resist jumping onto the Colombiana train of marketing madness until the movie arrives this upcoming weekend. It has yet to be determined whether or not Saldana has the star power to put asses in theater seats, and neither The Losers (which flopped) nor Avatar (which rendered her unrecognizable) can help her now.
Milla Jovovich: To an extent, The Fifth Element and A Perfect Getaway have added to Milla’s supermodel-turned-baddie cinematic rep, but it’s really her role as Alice in the Resident Evil franchise that’s kept her close to the top of the action roll call. Look for a fifth installment coming soon.
Kate Beckinsale: For whatever reason, Beckinsale is an action staple thanks to the Underworld franchise as well as crap like Van Helsing, Pearl Harbor, and the upcoming Total Recall remake. Exactly how does she pull it off? Well, she doesn’t.
Gina Carano: Now this one is a distinct possibility for a dark horse candidate, and Carano’s got the MMA fighting background to bolster a ready-made reputation as a badass. Hell, even TK is impressed by Carano’s moves. Still, we’ll have to wait and see how Haywire fares at the box office before making any true predictions.
Alice Braga: Braga kicked some pretty strong ass in Predators; unfortunately, she not only bears a strong resemblance for the next woman on the list but also pales in comparison.
Michelle Rodriguez: Here is one chick that you’d never want to meet in a dark alley. For one thing, she’s done some hard time; and for another, well, she’s already played a really tough chick in a lot of movies. Between S.W.A.T., the first Resident Evil, a fistful of Fast and Furious movies, Machete, and Battle Los Angeles, I think her future as an action babe is pretty much set in steel.
Ali Larter: After 53 episodes of “Heroes” and a couple of Resident Evil movies, she’s not as unlikely a candidate for action heroine as one might imagine at first. However, a stint as Cat Burgler/Jewel Thief Chrissy in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back featured her character performing an elaborate gymnastics routine to evade a complex laser security system, only to land with a gigantic fart. That pretty much ruins Ali Larter, action heroine, for me.
Summer Glau: Hey, Glau played a much better cyborg in “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles” than Kristanna Loken ever did in that third Terminator movie. It’s not her fault that she keeps getting cast in television shows that get cancelled, right? Still, this girl is best suited for the small screen, which rules out an action movie career pretty damn quickly.
Chloe Moretz: Too soon, right? Well, give her a few years, and she’ll grow out of the “wiser than her years” roles [(500) Days of Summer; Diary of a Wimpy Kid; and more] that she’s primarily been given and return to kicking ass like she did in Kick-Ass.
Scarlett Johansson: Yeah, it’s pretty obvious that ScarJo’s welcome has quickly worn out as far as romcom and period pieces are concerned. So naturally, she jumped at the chance (for a mere $400,000) to play Black Widow in Iron Man 2. She’ll reprise the role again in The Avengers; but beyond that will this give her any action legs? Probably not.
Lucy Liu: Unfortunately, Liu’s age (42-years-old) works against her in this instance. Even though she looks young, we’re all quite aware of the fact that Hollywood isn’t kind to women over 40, which is a shame, since Liu gave good action in Kill Bill and those horrible Charlie’s Angels movies. She’s also rumored to do the same in the upcoming The Man with the Iron Fists.
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley: Of course, this entry is basically a joke, but during the promotion for Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Rosie actually put it out there that she wanted “a sniff of Angelina Jolie’s career.” Good luck with that one, sweetheart.
Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at Celebitchy.
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