In the second part of our first round of voting, you’ll be casting your votes regarding the sexual prowess of Poe Dameron and some other people who aren’t Poe Dameron. Reminder: as per the laws of pervitude laid out in these prior posts, you’ll be voting on which characters you believe to be the best in bed. If you missed day one, there’s still time to vote: 13% of people think Batman is better in bed than Black Widow, and that’s unacceptable, so it needs to stop. Without further ado, here is your bracket:
(click to embiggen)
And here is where you speculate about sex things while you’re at work:
Star Wars Characters
Poe (#1) vs Darth Vader/Anakin (#16)
SAND. SAND GETS EVERYWHERE.
Rey (#8) vs Finn (#9)
Sorry that I went with a hard one for the first round. That’s what he said. Eyyyyyyy.
Han (#5) vs Chewbacca (#12)
Han: Less good in bed than he thinks he is, but still better than Chewbacca?
Padme (#4) vs Boba Fett (#13)
Boba Fett would make you do all the work, then sit back and take all the credit because he looks cool.
Obi-Wan Kenobi (#6) vs Kylo Ren (#11)
Point: Ewan McGregor. Counterpoint: A buddy of mine saw Kylo Ren take his shirt off in the shower, and he said that Kylo Ren had an eight pack. That Kylo Ren is shredded.
Lando (#3) vs General Hux (#14)
Space cape always wins.
Luke (#7) vs Captain Phasma (#10)
Now, I know it’s Gwendoline Christie inside that suit, but we haven’t actually seen Phasma have much of a personality yet, and a cool outfit is never a substitute for being a character who isn’t fucking stupid, BOBA FETT.
Edit: …WHOOPS. Screwed that poll up. Lando=Luke, and Hux=Phasma for this one. I’ll know who you mean. Ready, steady, go.
Leia (#2) vs Yoda (#15)
*insert Hamilton “Here comes the GeneRAL” joke here*
Nerd Kitchen Sink
Edit: For anyone confused about the seeding here, I ranked people in this bracket by reader votes. Mal and Spike got the most by far, while Inara and Marg got much fewer. I didn’t feel comfortable choosing the ranking myself, as there are some people (Raylan Givens, for example) I’m just not familiar with. If you have issues with it, gif slap your fellow readers around a bit.
Eric Northman from True Blood (#8) vs Jamie Fraser from Outlander (#9)
Scotland vs Scandinavia. Time to start World War III. In my pants.
Dean Winchester from Supernatural (#5) vs Ian Malcolm from Jurassic Park, your first wet dreams (#12)
Can Supernatural’s resident ball of insecurity issues and plaid possibly defeat the raw sexual charisma of Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park? C’mon. Aside from the Goblin King, has any fictional character sent more people roaring into puberty?
Indiana Jones (#4) vs Raylan Givens from Justified (#13)
I don’t watch Justified, but I do know Timothy Olyphant looks nice. I also know he looks nothing as nice as young Harrison Ford, because who does?
John Luther from Luther (#6) vs Hannibal Lecter (#11)
Only on Pajiba.
Oberyn Martell from Game of Thrones (#3) vs Mr. Darcy (#14)
Oberyn Martell may have more strength and swagger than Jane Austen’s most famously swoon-worthy and emotionally constipated leading man, but he also has the tendency to lose his head.
The Doctor from Doctor Who (#7) vs Dana Scully from The X-Files (#10)
Pick your version: Tennant. Eccleston. Capaldi. Smith. Baker. MCGANN. Can any of them compete with the patron saint of skeptics in the sack?
Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (#2) vs Inara Serra from Firefly (#15)
The Whedonverse collides!
Check back for round two whenever the hell I feel like it, but probably next week sometime.