Hello gentle reader, as you probably know, it’s Virgo season, which means we’re all going back to school and/or celebrating Beyoncé’s birthday. To help you decide what ancient deities to make a sacrifice to this month, or when to buy your lotto tickets (or both!) I’ve compiled your horoscopes for the month. If you’re looking to understand my methodologies, know it’s a combination of charts, tarot cards, and yelling loudly at my next-door neighbor. That is to say, the work and the horoscope are entirely unique to you, gentle Pajaiba reader, so let’s begin, shall we?
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)
This is your month, Virgo, and there has never been a better time to cash in your retirement plan and invest it where your money will truly go a long way: NASCAR commemorative plates and gold coins you bury when you’re drunk and will spend the rest of your life trying to remember where you put them. You may get some pushback in your new money plans from loved ones, but when has that ever stopped a Virgo, before? Hold fast and know your truth.
If you’re single, there’s never been a better time to start writing inmates in prison with suggestive prose and a lot of personal detail about your own life and your daily routines. If you’re in a committed relationship, it’s time to explore high-stakes mutual interests. Have you and your loved one always wondered what it’s like to rob a bank? Something to consider, Virgo. Just stay indoors on the full moon on September 13th as the werewolf hunters will be out in full effect unless your high stakes activity is werewolf-hunter hunting, then have at it! The point is, enjoy your birthday month, Virgo! You earned it.
Famous Birthdays this month: Beyoncé (September 4th) and the TV show Friends, which premiered on September 22, 1994.
Libra (Sept 23- Oct 22)
This is going to be a tough month for you Libra, I won’t sugar coat it. All those times you put off paying the gnome-like man who fed you stock advice in exchange for a favor delayed is going to come to head on the full moon on September 13th. Your best bet will be to trick him into an everlasting jail in a mirror, but beware—as you know, trapping faes in mirrors is a risky business and you may end up trapping a loved one alongside him as well. If that happens, you’re on your own. Just leave our sugar water and raw meat once a week to keep the fae fed, so it won’t feed on your loved one. Good luck!
As far as your career goes, now’s not the time to do anything risky, although if you’ve been wanting a raise, ask for it on September 19th the only way you know how: stand there and hit yourself like Marky Mark in Fear, and only good things will come of it.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
Ahh, Scorpio, my old friend! I know what you’ve been thinking Scorpio, and you’re right. That stray dog is your reincarnated grandparent, make sure you take good care of it this month, and it will lead you to buried treasure (perhaps where a drunken Virgo buried their retirement coins.)
If you’ve been wondering what it all means this month, Scorpio, take heart, literally. Go to your local butcher’s and purchase a heart, and then consume said heart to absorb the animal’s power. It will help you in all things. Just remember, if you go out werewolf hunting on the full moon on September 13th, take extra precautions. Sometimes the hunter becomes the hunted.
Also, hold off on asking your crush out, I fear they may be an ancient warlock in disguise coming back to right a wrong that you may have done against them. They lose power in October, so sit tight until then.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
Oh, Sagittarius, my old friend. I know what you’ve been longing to do, and you are one hundred percent accurate. This is your month to try out for The Voice, regardless of if they’re holding auditions or if you have any talent, whatsoever. It’s your time to shine and you shouldn’t take no for an answer.
Now, security may prove tricky for you, but when has that stopped a Sagittarius from their goals? Exactly. Go to a crossroads at midnight and call out for dark help. A demon should appear, and you can discuss the terms of your success. Be strong Sagittarius, this is your time to shine.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Capricorn, this is going to be a great month for you. Mainly because you’re going to end up skipping through it entirely. Now, how often have I warned you Capricorn about eating food from fairies you meet in the forest? Yet you just won’t listen! This time, it will serve you well because you’re going to encounter the faefolk once more, accept an offer of their honey-tea, and mortal time will pass you by. What will seem like mere seconds to you, will be years in the human world, and when you break free from the fae, it will be 2033. We hope the world is still here for you when you return to us and that Ivanka isn’t president. Good luck Capricorn! And if the terminators have overtaken us all? Well, friend, I suggest you hide. We’ll see you in 14 years!
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Aquarius. You know what you did to me personally, and I can only say that when the full moon comes and the werewolf hunters are out, I hope you’ve made your peace with what you did. May you feel no comfort until then, Aquarius.
Also, if you’re looking to take on more responsibility at your job, wait until the end of the month, as the stars aren’t particularly aligned for you until then. That is, if you trust me, and don’t think I’m purposefully trying to sabotage you. Tick tock, Aquarius, time’s wasting.
Pisces (Feb 19 - March 20)
Ah, my friend the fish! Now’s the month to come up from the seaworld, avoid saltwater so you don’t turn back into a fish, and live Pisces, live! However, keep it light and fun this month. It’s not the time to take a human lover as your underwater companion as the stars aren’t aligned for it. So whether you’re a Shape of Water fishperson, or more of a Splash! type, it doesn’t matter. This is your month to stay single, observe the land world, and decide what you really want out of your life.
It is, however, a great time to plan a vacation. May I recommend Branson, Missouri? No reason, I just have always wanted to go there myself and it has nothing to do with an ancient prophecy or a wizard who has been waiting for us to meet. Nope, not at all Pisces.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Ah, the ram! Aries, September is a month to get ahead on your taxes and your heart. This is your month to shine, friend. May I suggest you finally reveal your true form on a dating app, regardless if it literally melts mere human’s minds, as you’ve stayed single and hid yourself long enough. No more hiding in the shadows, in a meat bag suit that dampens your true essence. No, friend, you came to us from another world and it’s time to be yourself.
This is also a fantastic time to diversify your investments. You didn’t hear it from me dear Aries, but I heard that the beef jerky market is due for a massive boon soon, so I suggest you park your money in Slim Jims, as it’s also rumored that Macho Man Randy Savage is going to reveal his death as a hoax. You’ll want to be on the ground floor of the dehydrated meat market when that happens. Good luck Aries!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Taurus, I’ve spoken quite a bit about the werewolf hunters that will be out on the full moon this month, on Friday, September 13th. You, however, should stay home, regardless of your family’s lineage as werewolf hunters, as it takes place on the unluckiest day of the year for you, my bull friend, Friday the 13th. As I’m sure you’re aware, an evil druid priest was killed by his village for his alleged slaughter of the town’s prized bull thousands of years ago. You’ll also know that while the priest was responsible for many foul things in the village, he was not at fault for this particular crime, and as he was sacrificed in the peat bogs, he promised the world that every Friday the 13th, he would rain hell (literally) on anyone born under the bull’s sign.
I’m sure you’re sick of the sulfur stains on your clothes that come with every Friday the 13th, so sit this one out, let the other hunters take over, and save big on your dry-cleaning bill!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20th)
Hello there, my twin friend. This month’s full moon won’t have much of an effect on you, no, friend, your big happenings occur at the end of the month right as we slip into Libra season. I expect big things for you, literally, as it’s fated for you to find a magic pebble that will turn you into a giant.
With that, you can finally strongarm your way into that promotion you’ve been wanting, scare off the town bullies, and even get your local council to enforce the code violations your neighbor has been getting away with, for so long.
Don’t get too cocky though, Gemini, as I foresee you only staying a giant for approximately three weeks, so build that into your schedule, and perhaps stake out a few beanstalks to call home during this time.
Your power color during this month is chartreuse. Wear it wisely.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Cancer, my crabby friend, I have good news for you this month. As you’ve always suspected, you are the doppelgänger for an obscure European monarch, and this month is the month you finally pull off a Parent Trap! Don’t be surprised when you meet your “twin” when they’re trying to go incognito in your town, and you bump into each other (literally!) You’ll both notice the instant likeness between you two, then off to the races you go! Don’t worry, they’ll provide all the wardrobe you need to pass as them, but I must warn you Cancer—they are going to be a better love match for your partner than you are, so this will ultimately lead to heartbreak. However, that will mean that you’re free to live as the European monarch indefinitely so run up those credit cards while you can, friend. Soon it will be someone else’s problem!
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
Oh, Leo your birthday month ended too soon, didn’t it? Don’t worry, I’m here with happy tidings. An HR glitch at your job will mean that Karen, the office busybody, will insist it’s your birthday again this month, even though you already got an office cake for it last month. Lean into it, free cake is free cake! Sure, it might annoy you that someone is claiming to know your life better than you, but I urge you to not dig too deep on this one, as it may turn out your family has been keeping secrets from you, and you’re much older (with a different birth date) than you were initially told.
No, dear Leo, just accept this one at face value, unless you’re willing to face a lifetime of hurt and broken promises. Let Karen be right this one time, and accept the free cake at face value.
Additionally, now is absolutely the time to get drunk and text your exes. Which one? All of them! Trust me Leo, the fall out will lead to something unexpected, and possibly shameful—but when has that ever stopped you, or any of us, for that matter?
Well, friends, there you have it. Your official Pajiba horoscope for September 2019. Join me next month when I share an award-winning banana bread recipe and knowledge of what star sign is due to be transformed into a massive, killer rabbit.
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