Old School. Biblically Independent.
By Dustin Rowles | Film | December 11, 2023
Sometimes, I get a bug in my head — even an obvious one — and I can’t let it go until I can exorcise it through a post. I’m sorry that you all have to be subjected to it, particularly when it comes to the Golden Globes, which are meaningless, no matter who owns them.
And yet, I can’t get over this new category for “Box Office Achievement.” Here are the nominees again:
Cinematic and Box Office Achievement
“Barbie” (Warner Bros.)
“Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3” (Disney)
“John Wick: Chapter 4” (Lionsgate Films)
“Mission: Impossible — Dead Reckoning Part One” (Paramount Pictures)
“Oppenheimer” (Universal Pictures)
“Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse” (Sony Pictures)
“The Super Mario Bros. Movie” (Universal Pictures)
“Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour” (AMC Theatres)
The problem I have with the category is that it’s NOT EVEN ABOUT BOX OFFICE ACHIEVEMENT! One would imagine that an award for “box office achievement” would reward the films with the biggest box office achievements. That works in the case of Barbie, The Super Mario Bros. Movie, Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3, and Oppenheimer, which are indeed the five highest-grossing films of the year.
But where every other category has been expanded to six nominees, this one is expanded to eight, and the other three aren’t even the biggest box-office hits. I’ll grant John Wick, because it’s the eighth biggest film, even though it’s obvious it is only on the list because it might mean that Keanu Reeves will come to the ceremony (Poor Paul Rudd, passed over).
Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour is a tough one because it’s the 10th highest-grossing film of the year, but probably the most profitable because Swift didn’t work with a studio middleman and she netted most of the profits herself. That is a box-office achievement, though not a cinematic one, and it’s clear that she’s only in the category on the off chance that she shows up at the Golden Globes. She’s actually the least likely to show up because she’s the least reliant upon Penske Media publications to maintain her career.
But if they’re going to award Taylor Swift for her unconventional box office, they have to award Sound of Freedom, too, which was the ninth highest-grossing film of the year — ahead of Taylor Swift — and the miracle of that film is its box-office achievement was all a grift! Half the box office came because, at the end of the movie, Jim Cavizeil asked his audience to pay it forward by buying more movie tickets for audience members that did not exist! That’s an achievement! Phantom moviegoers!
But really, the biggest problem is the inclusion of Mission: Impossible — Dead Reckoning Part One, which was a box-office dud. The budget was nearly $300 million, and it only earned $172 million domestic. The film did poorly enough that they’re delaying the sequel, which won’t even be Dead Reckoning Part Two because they’re trying to pass it off as a separate film because not enough people saw Part One. That’s not a box-office achievement.
Five Nights at Freddys is a box office achievement! That movie cost only $20 million to make, it was available on Peacock the day it was released into theaters, and it still made $288 million worldwide. What’s even more remarkable about that is Five Nights at Freddys is a terrible movie. God awful! The most boring horror movie I’ve seen in years, and yet it still earned nearly $300 million on a $20 million budget. That’s an achievement!
In any case, why would anyone show up to receive a dumb award designed to trick Taylor Swift and Tom Cruise into showing up to the Golden Globes to lose to Barbie, which is the only acceptable winner since it outgrossed every other film of the year, both domestic and worldwide? This is a dumb award, and the nominees are dumb, and the Golden Globes are dumb, and I hate it. This is my Patrick Mahomes pointlessly shouting at the refs moment!
