Hey-ho there, campers. Please to enjoy this delectable list of Eloquently Eloquent Comments. Please to be forgiving the lack of daily updates, as yours truly just started a new job and can’t get home in time to post sometimes. But I am that committed to this noble cause that I read through comments anyway and here’s the best for you right now to get you over the Sunday blues. And I think I lost my train of thought there for a second but I’m feeling slightly schizo from this heat. And as a bonus, I’m now including links to all the original threads on which each comment was posted so you can waste a few hours reading more articles and threads. I am so good to you.
[The Easter Bunny’s Jellybean-pooping antics inspired two great comments on Monday’s Box-Office Round-up . PissBoy won the top spot for the day, and you get a bonus from Kballs:]
“What happens when the Easter Bunny gets the runs, anyway? You get some kind of rainbow river of sludge?”
The contents are taken and molded into fruit roll-ups.
Come on, take it easy. Hop is directed at kids anyway, and how often do we get an Easter-related movie? My mom took my 3 year old to see it and they had a great time. My daughter was dancing and laughing, so eff your selfish ideas about what kind of entertainment value a G-rated movie should have for a mid-30’s-aged movie-obsessed feminist who forgets what it’s like to actually believe that a talking rabbit could really exist and that you might meet and hang out and maybe, just maybe, that little fucker might leave a big pile of jelly beans for mom and dad to eat because EATING SHIT IS FUNNY GODDAMNIT!!!!!
[Tuesday’s Review of “The Kennedys” mentioned the sins the show committed against Boston/Kennedy accents. Tammy (or Tawmmy) showed us how its done:]
OWAH POLITICAL RED SAWX DID NAWT CHEAT, YOU KNOBGOBBLAH. THEY SUCCEEDED THANKS TO THE POWAH OF THE BAWSTAHN FANS. YOU FACKS DO NAWT UNDAHSTAHND HOW MUCH HAWT WE HAVE FOAH OWAH BELOVED KENNEDYS. NO ONE DENIES THIS.
[That’s even funnier if you imagine Mayor Quimby saying it. Also from Tuesday we have a little poem about that one Pajiba Love with all the diseases. The link to that thread is the first one in this other Pajiba Love. I love the love in the Love.]
We all had diseases,
And enjoyed the word play.
As we reveled in sickness
All that long, long Friday.
We talked about syndromes, scleroses and cysts.
We scoured Wikipedia to augment our lists.
No joke was too low, no reference to dark:
Black humour with tumours and typical snark,
Pustules and thetans, the whole PDR.
Ne’er did we worry that we went too far.
But one frequent writer, as she toiled away,
Wondered if PaddyDog was heard to say,
“What is all this bullshit? Fake immunologia?
It’s all wrong! I hate it! Where’s my apologia!”
To that all I say is, “We did it with style,
It allowed us an afternoon away to all while.”
[Mrcreosote’s Plans for Revising History from this thread won the top spot on Wednesday:]
You know what I want to do? I want to study quantum physics, break new and innovative ground, perfect a method of time travel that overcomes the myriad of problems involved and use that breathtaking technology to GET AEROSMITH TO BREAK UP RIGHT AFTER THEY STOP DOING DRUGS!!!!
Here at the Cresosote Institute of retroactive musical criticism, we endeavor to provide you with the finest time travelling services to prevent musical atrocities. Our current list of tasks includes:
The Aerosmith project
Billy Ray Cyrus Castration station
Kevin Federline leg breaking Rube Goldberg device
The Musketeer Massacre
The Woodstock re-zoning and enforcement initiative
Please feel free to contribute. You too can prevent Wavy Gravy.
[I had to work late on Thursday, so I didn’t get a chance to post a Comment of the Day, but if I had, this one from the post on Val Kilmer (oh, Val. You were Bat—wait, that never happened) would’ve easily taken the top spot):]
Ever wonder if Val Kilmer has a picture of a beautiful and toned young man in his attic?
There ya go, folks. A great week overall, though maybe not such a great one for actual movie releases. Seems like everything being reviewed lately stinks to high heaven, except maybe Hannah, and I’m happy for that, because Eric Bana is on my Freebies list and I like to see my boys happy. Now I must retire to take another cold shower, and no, it’s not because of dirty thoughts regarding Mr Bana, but rather because we just hit 90 degrees for the first time in Dallas, and I am melting and also too cheap to turn on the A/C before it’s even goddamn May. Though I gotta say I’m glad it’s not snowing on me, and also that I have a job now, if only because now I can afford to turn on the damned A/C without going broke paying the power bills. I’m ranting. I might have heatstroke. Have a good week, everyone.
Figgy realizes the futility of complaining about the weather in Dallas and she promises to not do so again, but still, this is madness. You can read more of her ramblings (not weather related!) at her blog or follow her on twitter.