Delicious Eggs Palpatine and the 10 Best Comments of the Week

By Prolixity Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | December 2, 2011 |

By Prolixity Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | December 2, 2011 |

Eloquent Eloquence is a compilation of the ten best comments of the week. Comments in film reviews are not eligible for inclusion.

10. I once mentioned an earworm I was suffering from to a coworker. I worked in housekeeping for a large hospital and I told that colleague at 6:30 in the a.m. that I could not get the damn theme to the “Beverly Hillbillies” to stop burrowing in my ears. The banjo bridge is especially a killer in the head.

By mid-morning break three hours later, I passed at least 6 people in the hallways humming that song. It is evil incarnate. - NeoCleo

9. Wow, thanks Paramount for protecting the copyright on a clip from a 20+ year old movie. Wouldn’t want anyone getting intrigued and going to find the whole thing.

You might lose… fifty cents. Somehow.

(I do love Pieces of April .) - twig

8. What the hell are they going to do with the hundreds of “KKK” monogrammed towels and sheets? - the other courtney

7. Judas at least had the good sense to hang himself when he regretted what he had done. Peter inflicted the papacy upon us.

And then there’s that douchebag Doubting Thomas.

One of my favorite Bible stories is the one about the two guys walking along a road and discussing the events of the crucifixion who are joined by a third guy who asks them what they’re talking about. And essentially they say, “Dude, where have you been? Don’t you know ANYthing about the bad shit that went down?” And they go on and on about what a numbskull their new traveling companion is, until suddenly it dawns on them they’re talking to Reanimated Jesus, and POOF! he disappears.

And the two tools are like:

” … I knew it was him.”

“Yep.”

“Uh-huh, knew it all along, couldn’t fool ME.”

“Me either.”

“Right, dude, hey, let’s go score some He-Brew, the Chosen Beer, that shit ROCKS, man.” - Posted by: ,

6. If they were friends after seven years, he shouldn’t have to ask. So either you’re right, he’s a total dick and the muppet guy didn’t ask him because he didn’t give a fuck, or the muppet guy is a dick and didn’t ask his buddy to do a cameo. Or they’re both professionals and don’t have to inject their possible friendships/enemyships into every work decision. There are a myriad of possibilities (probably not that many).

“Enemyships” by the way, is not a word, but you’re reading Pajiba and probably knew that already. I’m going to use that word on a Twilight message board somewhere and see if I can work it into the zeitgeist. “Edward and Jacob have a violent enemyship. They really don’t care for one another at all.” And then I’ll amend it again while talking about my sister’s friends and see it morphed into “frienemyships.”
Oh, a world of endless possibiliy opens up before me, like the ageless and infinite existence of Lovecraftian Gods!

So, I’m bored at work. - superasente

5. Formula for success:

Japanese Production + Japanese tale + Story centering on a specific number of warriors + Samurai = Frakking win.

Extra credit added for casting the wonderful Toshiro Mifune.

Citations:

Seven Samurai (score* = 107 + 1)
13 Assassins (score = 93)
Chushingura (score = 101)

Formula for fail:

Gaijin playing either Samurai** or Ninja.

Citations:

The Last Samurai (score = 1; manages to maintain a barely positive score for casting the wonderful Ken Watanabe)

See also: Every American Ninja movie ever made starring Michael DooDooCaca (score = negative 50, one point deduced for every U.S. state where some kid thought the movie was cool in the 80s and bought shuriken or nun-chaka at the flea market as a result)
Extra Dishonorable Mention: That Ninja TV show with Lee Van Cleef (score = -747: 0 - number of episodes - (Clint Eastwood * Sergio Leone) - Eli Wallach * 2 (for The Good, The Bad, The Ugly & The Magnificent Seven )

* Scores are absolutely arbitrary based on my whim and the number of warriors around which the tale revolves. Calculations are not accurate in any way, shape or form.

** John Blackthorne, while in service as Samurai and given the titles thereof, was never an experienced and formidable Samurai warrior. He was an outsider who got lucky on the occassion he was forced to use the Katana given him. Shogun is therefore exempted. - lubeg

4. I love this show more than my firstborn. - Janey

When I watched the episode originally, I saw Beetlejuice-dude walk by the window after Annie said it, but hadn’t realized that was the third time it had been said. Ah. Mazing.
If I had a firstborn, I’d love this show more than it. - Anna von Beav

I too would love this show more than my hypothetical firstborn.
As it is, I love it more than Janey’s firstborn.
No offense, Janey. I just don’t know him/her that well. - zeke the pig

And yet, two broke girls with copious jokes about rape and cheap stereotypes is CBS’ new hit. I blame Janey’s unloved firstborn. - Mrcreosote

Firstborns are notoriously unlovable. Just ask mine, or Janey’s. - admin

Dawned!!!

Fucking—Janey, we, we talked about this! I said, ‘Janey, when your baby busts the Duggar girls out of TLC, make sure that it remembers to leave the bronzed booties and stem cells in gaffa aspic at home, they won’t understand’.

And you reported, ‘look, ‘Jo’, if you have any damn mind, you would’ve picked Stumpy Pepys over Jo ‘Mama’ Besser!’

Well, that couldn’t stand.

‘Fuck your science mind!- else I shall reveal the clogging force supreme, the saltpeter, the lowered credit rating naptha of my violence, Mamon, for surely you know that those bitter, then candied herbs of our degredation are the only ratings in our own calloused and talcum powedered talons! Tortures of the damned.’

That was probably me who said that thing.

Words followed, and though the leeks were a little overcooked, there was reconciliation, but my warnings remained.

Now I’m hearing that some baby foiled the plan to restore Community to its full vitality with that umbilical breath of life because some double banged dames of the prophecied Final Net sect of the Crypto Nymphos (they had you fooled, but your gullability has jeopardized the integrity of internal affairs too many times, I now know) went wicker manned the stem cells. What a boon for civilization! We’re blossoming like Tuscany under the Medicis, yes, we most assuredly luxuriate in the flowering, the sagging fecundity burbling in the cherry ambered, urban spiced, paprika syllabubed and wine-sopped porridges to come. Great baby.

So, what is your AWOL and delinquent bundle going to do for my country, now? Does it even know poutine-flavoured butter tart is? I live in Canada, I can’t control this ratings…Madoff—um, shit. NBC doesn’t listen to my tribe, you know…the idicted, right? Corruption of minors, corruption of minors, I keep saying, I keep saying, ‘I can’t cross the boarder because of my corruption of minors conviction.’ I guess I should’ve put my neck out on this line a little more, because now we now what ‘conviction’ means to your baby. Just put it on longboat and immolate it, because our hope is dead, now! Why is your baby always killing the hope? It doesn’t believe in organized hopefullness? What kind of neo-Byronic, existential flim-flam is that?

Am I going to hear that he sold us out to the Xenuphobic subsidiary of the Little Golden franchise? Hubbard Hears A Who? To Supress A Mockingbird? Gone With The Audit? 120 E-Meters of Sodom—is that even a sentence? Fantasic Mister Thetan? Under The Volcano? The Last Miscavige? The Indianetic In The Cupboard?

This is the end. Your baby has failed us. In time, do not reproach it for the dearth-drunk emptiness that it has housed upon us in its misrecognizing a scarred, frozen and windchapped tundra for the tranquil still of a petaled vista with the balmied breezes endeavouring no caprice but to beacon an errant blossom in its missive: aloft, and stay—but to yield only at that time when your presence meets mine and the communion that follows resets the very axis of Heaven and it spins by no design but ours!!!!! We are the conductors, we are the metronomes of the universe, follow no beat but OURS!!! But not soon.Babies need to learn patience, I’m 27 and I still don’t know how drive a car…or a bicycle.

*sniff*
There will be no care package. - Jo ‘Mama’ Besser

3. As Santa’s Chief Advance Scout for the U.S.A., I thank you for posting your wishes where I come to read anyway, but I have to tell you, there are some miserable motherfuckers here. The Boss is a sensitive soul, so I may not pass along all of your wishes to the old fat guy. Next time, ask for something more upbeat.

Bierce, look for a special gift under your tree. - Elf #1

2. Tauntaunaissance sounds like some kind of warm, gooey breakfast sauce.

Oooooooooo, like on some delicious eggs Palpatine. - Jast

1. Da da da dum *click click*

They’re kreepy and they’re kooky,
Mysterious and spooky,
They’re privates sick and ooky,
The Kardashian family.

Their house is a museum.
Paragons of hedonism.
Empty skulls like mausoleums.
The Kardashian Family.

Deceit

Bicycle seat

Skeet skeet!

So get a witch’s shawl on.
A dumb prick Kim can crawl on.
Hope there’s a land mine they can walk on
The Kardashian Family.

Da da da dum *click click* - Baba O R’lyeh