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Christmas is Canceled: There Will Be No Kardashian Kristmas Special. Please. Remain Calm.

By Courtney Enlow | Posted Under Celebrities Are Better than You | Comments (41)

kim-kardashian-jenner-family-christmas-card-1-492x362.jpg

Turn off the tree. Shitcan your nativity. Burn your stockings. Shut it down. Shut everything the fuck right down. Because I am about to ruin your entire holiday.

The flawlessly titled “Kardashian Kristmas Special” has been canceled.

No, please, put the toaster down! Your bath is no place for it! SURVIVE!

Like an angry cane to the knee of poor, crippled Tiny Tim, this news is a true blow to all lovers of the holiday season. But, then, like the middle school bully whose daddy drinks too much, E! officials had to go and tell us Santa’s not real at all and there was never to be a special in the first place.

Of fucking course there was, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Divorce or no, Kardashian fans are goddamn idiots. Do you know how the Sunday premiere of their TV show, “Kardashian Show #9345” did? 3.2 million stupid people. That’s how it did. The best Kardashian kpremiere evker. Of course, now it has an additional train wreck factor. People will now tune in to see how this fake marriage fake fell apart. The viktim? Poor caveperson Kris Humphries, who thought he was getting into the sweet gig of marrying a famous person for five minutes, not realizing that when the public backlashed, his blushbutting bride would make every effort to turn it on him. I feel sorry for the idiot. Because, clearly, people with a working motor see these tricks of editing and poor writing, and these tabloid “source” [read: sourKe] slander stories as obviously falling out of a Kardashian asshole. But *they* don’t, you guys. They are simple hillpeople with simple dreams of the pretty Armenian girl finding love and loss. And E! took away their Christmas. THEIR KRISTMAS!

You fucking monsters. How kdare you.

At least we’ll always have this, last year’s Kardashian holiday card. Always.

KARDASHIAN-CHRISTMAS-CARD.jpg

Muppet sleeves, 2010. Never forget.









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Comments

Man, the baby Jesus must love cleavage.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at November 29, 2011 2:12 PM

That 2010 Kristmas Kard kills me every time.

Posted by: Angeleno Ewok at November 29, 2011 2:14 PM

Da da da dum *click click*

They're kreepy and they're kooky,
Mysterious and spooky,
They're privates sick and ooky,
The Kardashian family.

Their house is a museum.
Paragons of hedonism.
Empty skulls like mausoleums.
The Kardashian Family.

Deceit

Bicycle seat

Skeet skeet!

So get a witch's shawl on.
A dumb prick Kim can crawl on.
Hope there's a land mine they can walk on
The Kardashian Family.

Da da da dum *click click*

Posted by: Baba O R'lyeh at November 29, 2011 2:14 PM

What the hell are they going to do with the hundreds of "KKK" monogrammed towels and sheets?

Posted by: the other courtney at November 29, 2011 2:16 PM

I still don't even know what a Kardashian is.

Posted by: lubeg at November 29, 2011 2:16 PM

These people are dillholes.

Posted by: sunny at November 29, 2011 2:17 PM

lubeg: it's what you name a blood clot when you're not sure if you've miscarried or not.

Posted by: the other courtney at November 29, 2011 2:19 PM

Fuck you for printing this article. Seriously. You mock them and yet you still post articles about them.

You want them to go away? STOP TALKING ABOUT THEM!

Posted by: maka at November 29, 2011 2:20 PM

Muppet sleeves!

Posted by: MM at November 29, 2011 2:21 PM

I hate these morons and the even stupider people that watch, but it may all be worth it just for this sentence: The best Kardashian kpremiere evker.

Posted by: TylerDFC at November 29, 2011 2:21 PM

You mock them and yet you still post articles about them.

She's an entertainment writer on an entertainment site. How else is she supposed to mock them? Telepathically?

Posted by: Ghisent at November 29, 2011 2:29 PM

They all look like painted whores that were painted by a whore while whoring for paint to paint the whores in the painting.

So, to review: Whores. Painting.

Exam on Friday.

Posted by: admin at November 29, 2011 2:33 PM

Plus it gives us full rein on the bitch and scathe front.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at November 29, 2011 2:34 PM

iconfesstohavingwatchedpartoftheshowoutofprurientinterestandschadenfreude

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at November 29, 2011 2:36 PM

This story is only important in The Darkest Timeline.

Posted by: TheOtherGreg at November 29, 2011 2:37 PM

So admin, will there be a bonus point section on "jades, faithless"?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at November 29, 2011 2:43 PM

Just looking at that photo, I can smell piss--can't you?

Posted by: Jerce at November 29, 2011 2:45 PM

That second picture looks like a Madame Tussaud's mockup of the the Voldemort Family Christmas (Now With Extra Eyerape!)

Posted by: Ghisent at November 29, 2011 2:48 PM

Baba O R'lyeh for the motherfukking win! EE is locked up for this week folks!

Posted by: PissBoy at November 29, 2011 3:10 PM

“source” [read: sourKe]

Nice.

I recommend the Koffee Kup Kafe if you ever pass through Hico, Texas.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at November 29, 2011 3:25 PM

No, Mrs. Julien. However there will be extra credit for Bob Ross quotes, anecdotes and glorious fros.

Posted by: admin at November 29, 2011 3:30 PM

Shouldn't that be "Please remain Kalm?"

Low-hanging fruit, I know.

Posted by: Jerry at November 29, 2011 4:06 PM

Have Brody and Brandon evaporated? I think they must have gone into hiding after Kim's "wedding."

Posted by: Jerry at November 29, 2011 4:19 PM

I'd have figured someone with the handle Pissboy would be excited about a Kardashian post.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at November 29, 2011 4:39 PM

So, that's true Mrcreosote? The guy actually relieves himself ON HER in the video?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at November 29, 2011 4:42 PM

Damn it, why does everyone come to me for their porn questions? And yes.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at November 29, 2011 4:55 PM

Because you seem so knowledgable. And ew.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at November 29, 2011 5:00 PM

I'm old enough to remember when Bruce Jenner was a respected athlete, who additionally looked human.

Good times. Good times.

Posted by: Groundloop at November 29, 2011 5:06 PM

Just give it 5 years: She'll be like Paris Hilton: unwanted, forgotten and herpes-ridden. Famewhores never last.

Posted by: severine at November 29, 2011 5:43 PM

Twat? I kunt hear you?

Posted by: Agogagogo at November 29, 2011 6:06 PM

Kourtney?

Ahem...I mean Courtney? I love you. Never change.

Posted by: greer at November 29, 2011 6:19 PM

Oh boy oh boy oh boy!!! Break out the Wheaties and Valtrex!!!!

Butthole Day came TWICE this year!

We must have been especially snarKy assholes to deserve this! High Five and a High Ball!

I'm getting all verKlempt....*KOFF KOFF

Posted by: bleujayone at November 29, 2011 7:00 PM

Nice work Baba O R'lyeh

Posted by: OldSchool60 at November 29, 2011 8:36 PM

Titslit. Never forget.

Also, I'd just like to point out that you're being unfair to Hill People. They might have sex with their cousins and/or dogs, but they do not watch the Kardashians.

Stupid, vapid rich girls watch and love the Kardashians. They want to be like them, and they probably have the means to do it.

Then there's people like Kolby and Sofia, who watch it because they're insane. Poor dears. You have to account for those people.

LEAVE THE HILL PEOPLE ALONE.

Posted by: figgy at November 29, 2011 10:07 PM

Ewww.

Posted by: klingonfree at November 29, 2011 11:23 PM

I blame O.J.

Posted by: , at November 30, 2011 1:17 AM

I remember when these people first soiled the television, I thought it was the Cardassians from Star Trek Next Generation series. I believe we all wish this was the case, it would have made for better viewing. The hell of it is, Bruce Jenner almost looks like the alien species from the show.

Posted by: richmac at November 30, 2011 1:54 AM

Where is Thing? Typical Nouveau Riche, they never credit the help

Posted by: kirbyjay at November 30, 2011 7:32 AM

Dude, don't blame it on the hillpeople.

We don't want them, either.

Posted by: dahlia6 at November 30, 2011 9:22 AM

lubeg: it's what you name a blood clot when you're not sure if you've miscarried or not.

Posted by: the other courtney at November 29, 2011 2:19 PM

OOOOOOOH, ok. Thanks The Other Courtney.

Also, Baba O'Rlyeh for the definite win.

Posted by: lubeg at November 30, 2011 10:33 AM

Bahahaha! This comment chain is TOP NOTCH, you guys, TOP NOTCH.

Courtney, I fucking love you.

The Other Courtney, ditto.

Baba, I fucking love you too.

KKK, out.

Posted by: Sinclaire at November 30, 2011 5:09 PM