Turn off the tree. Shitcan your nativity. Burn your stockings. Shut it down. Shut everything the fuck right down. Because I am about to ruin your entire holiday.
The flawlessly titled “Kardashian Kristmas Special” has been canceled.
No, please, put the toaster down! Your bath is no place for it! SURVIVE!
Like an angry cane to the knee of poor, crippled Tiny Tim, this news is a true blow to all lovers of the holiday season. But, then, like the middle school bully whose daddy drinks too much, E! officials had to go and tell us Santa’s not real at all and there was never to be a special in the first place.
Of fucking course there was, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Divorce or no, Kardashian fans are goddamn idiots. Do you know how the Sunday premiere of their TV show, “Kardashian Show #9345” did? 3.2 million stupid people. That’s how it did. The best Kardashian kpremiere evker. Of course, now it has an additional train wreck factor. People will now tune in to see how this fake marriage fake fell apart. The viktim? Poor caveperson Kris Humphries, who thought he was getting into the sweet gig of marrying a famous person for five minutes, not realizing that when the public backlashed, his blushbutting bride would make every effort to turn it on him. I feel sorry for the idiot. Because, clearly, people with a working motor see these tricks of editing and poor writing, and these tabloid “source” [read: sourKe] slander stories as obviously falling out of a Kardashian asshole. But *they* don’t, you guys. They are simple hillpeople with simple dreams of the pretty Armenian girl finding love and loss. And E! took away their Christmas. THEIR KRISTMAS!
You fucking monsters. How kdare you.
At least we’ll always have this, last year’s Kardashian holiday card. Always.
Muppet sleeves, 2010. Never forget.