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You Say You Want Diamonds on a Ring of Gold: What Would You Like Santa to Drop Down Your Chimney?

By Cindy Davis | Posted Under Comment Diversions | Comments (64)

alexs.jpg

Okay people, Thanksgiving is over; it’s time to kick this holiday thing into high gear. As you can probably tell by your television, the extra traffic jams and a strong desire to kill yourself, it is never too early to start celebrating Christmas…Hanukkah…Kwanzaa…Festivus…whatthefuckever holiday makes you put up twinkly lights and eat unidentifiable peppermint flavored objects. Let the wild rumpus begin! We did some outdoor decorating yesterday, even though most years we usually wait so long that we end up saying, “Screw it” and not putting out anything at all. Either peer pressure or subliminal brainwashing has gotten to me and I’m jazzed to get things over with going, so let’s put our own little Santa lists out to the universe and see what happens. Santa reads Pajiba, right?

I see that a lot of people are dazzled by the latest electronics and gadgets, with the Kindle Fire being at the top of a lot of lists (alongside the iPhone 4S).

Is this what you really want?

KFire.jpg

Or is it something intangible like A Better Year Than Last Year or For Us All To Get Along?

How about a cure for that dickheaded asshole, cancer and some kind of health care coverage so Aunt Josephine can actually get it?

A giant tin of carmel corn? A job, a car, a new sex toy? Speaking of which…

Here’s what I want:

skarsgård.jpg

How about you?


Cindy Davis is in her bunk right now, waiting for “Santa.”










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Comments

If we're talking pie in the sky, I would like a guarantee that I'm not going to get laid off from my job. Then I can buy whatever else I want.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at November 27, 2011 3:17 PM

Is that Skarsgard? (No sarcasm intended; the guy at the bottom looks a little chubbier than Skarsgard)
If it is, I have finally seen a pic where he resembles his papa.

Posted by: severine at November 27, 2011 3:30 PM

Divorce papers, with a guarantee that my kids will be okay anyway. sigh. Being a grown-up sucks.

Posted by: Edith at November 27, 2011 3:31 PM

The promise of a productive year at work, the end of the short sale process on our old house, to pay off one of our cars, and a Kindle. And a pair of the hot new Doc Martens stiletto boots. That wouldn't hurt either.

Posted by: stardust at November 27, 2011 4:12 PM

Time alone. I'm a high school teacher with two kids very active in sports and a husband who is usually not home until after 6:30 most nights. I've got people and tasks pulling at me every waking minute. What I would not do to have a Timeturner so I can just sit in silence, not talking, for an hour each day.

Posted by: Kati at November 27, 2011 4:24 PM

My brother and I have inherited our father's house. Brother does not want it, I do. Brother is ok with me having it. I hope to move in soon, but the house needs work. I've been collecting bids on painting, floor refinishing and mold removal. I learned quickly that serious home improvements are not cheap. If Santa would like to drop some home repairs in my Christmas stocking, I would be really glad. I would also like an iPad, too. Oh, and job security and world peace.

Posted by: rlr260 at November 27, 2011 4:32 PM

I don't celebrate holidays, but a sudden influx of wealthy private clients needing me to bartend their parties would help me out right about now.

Posted by: Rest In Peace at November 27, 2011 4:32 PM

I just want to see the world burn...

Posted by: Wembley at November 27, 2011 4:49 PM

Rashida Jones, Rachel McAdams, a water bed, whipped cream, and chocolate sauce.

Also, Christina Hendricks and some Matchbox cars. We could have a lot of fun.

Posted by: maka at November 27, 2011 4:54 PM

I would like a job. And lots of money. And a sex slave. And maybe also a pair of jeans from Gap.

@severine, that's him. He's skinny but that's muscle.

Posted by: Joy at November 27, 2011 5:01 PM

I want to fall in love and enjoy it for once.

Posted by: Lucas at November 27, 2011 5:07 PM

25 Years.

Posted by: John W at November 27, 2011 5:22 PM

I don't get the Askars love. He just does absolutely nothing for me. I'd rather have his buddy, Joel Kinnaman. That is one ridiculously good-looking, tall, sexy man. With an accent. Mmmnh.

*takes a short break for dirty thoughts...*

Other than that, I wish for job security, a decent fuckbuddy (or HomieLoverFriend) and for the world not to end in a year. It ain't perfect, but it's ours and I like it just the way it is!

Posted by: jayem at November 27, 2011 5:32 PM

What Lucas said.

Also, a job would be nice. Preferrably one in translations.

And a decent place to live...

Posted by: FabMax at November 27, 2011 5:34 PM

Job I love, check
Truck paid for, check
House paid for, check
Boat paid for, check
Kids good, check
Health good, check
Charlize Theron, not checked
OK then.

Posted by: clancys_daddy at November 27, 2011 5:53 PM

A new shoulder, a job, I would say a new relationship but I'm pretty down on the love thing at the moment...so I guess an iPad. That will probably be more fulfilling anyways.

Posted by: Freller at November 27, 2011 6:00 PM

I would like Santa to pay off my mother's house so she will not worry so much about retirement.

And world peace.

And an Android tablet. (Yes, I know iPads are cooler, but I have an Android phone, so it would probably be better if they match.)

Posted by: MM at November 27, 2011 6:08 PM

Diamonds would be nice, if only because it would mean we could afford to blow money on frivolities (and then feel guilty about them).

I would like Santa to deliver some financial stability. Our financial situation is tenuous and some (any) consistent months when we had more than is strictly required would be nice. We are strangely lucky in that we always have just enough to cover our costs, but spending time with my awesome sister-in-law on the weekend and watching her buy Dunkin Donuts coffee twice in one day without blinking showed me just how limited our situation is.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at November 27, 2011 6:22 PM

I would like some willpower. Willpower to stick to my diet, willpower to save more, willpower to do what needs to be done.

And I'd like to find a good friend with benefits. I don't need a big ol' sturm und drang romantic passionfest in my life right now (the kind that comes with tears and tantrums), and I don't need someone who's constantly pestering me for kinky shit in multiple positions. But I'd love to find someone with whom I could enjoy an occasional evening of intelligent, informed conversation, fine food, and excellent cuddling. Say, about once a month.

Significant health care reform and jobs for all would be nice, too.

Posted by: PDamian at November 27, 2011 6:43 PM

Right now I want a new roof that does not leak that we can afford....short of that I'd like Benedict Cumberbatch to come take me away from it all.

Posted by: Jules at November 27, 2011 6:44 PM

Could Santa bring me a 32 inch waist line? That's what I'd really like for Christmas. Or what clancys_daddy has . . . I've come to terms with not sleeping with Charlize Theron - or any other movies star, so I'd be more than happy with the rest.

Posted by: Mavler at November 27, 2011 6:48 PM

Skarsgard has the douchiest smile I've ever seen. (ref: Melancholia).

Posted by: haplo at November 27, 2011 7:00 PM

A full time job, that includes health insurance, that lasts longer than ten weeks, and just a few precious minutes of the peace that comes with knowing the bills can be paid, the kids will sleep peacefully and our parents are safe and sane.

Also, I want every American to smarten the f up and realize that our country is in the shitter and *someone else* isn't going to come along and fix everything for us. We're gonna have to think and act with some intelligence and compassion and maybe, just maybe put some people in charge who understand that working for the 1% screws everybody—eventually.

Posted by: Zombie Mrs Smith at November 27, 2011 7:19 PM

i want metal gear solid 4 with a ps3 delivered by david hayter himself.i'd also like the fourth book in the eragon series and tickets to breaking dawn

Posted by: Utah Dynamo at November 27, 2011 7:33 PM

A job in Houston so my boyfriend and I don't have to drive 3 hours to see each other.

Posted by: Jordan at November 27, 2011 7:46 PM

I would like the latest Chuck Palahniuk book, a full time job that pays a little more than minimum wage, and a season 4 of Community.

Posted by: wuggle at November 27, 2011 7:54 PM

Peace on earth and good will toward men

Posted by: logan at November 27, 2011 8:06 PM

I want my fucking dog back!

Posted by: Candee at November 27, 2011 8:29 PM

Posted by: Candee at November 27, 2011 8:32 PM

I am thankful for my friends, family, health, new job, and cozy apartment.

That said, I would like a gift card to Victoria's Secret to continue buying expensive, beautiful bras to keep the sweater puppets looking their best. Seriously, the $45 one I have on makes me want to caress my own chest. I would also like to find a guy that is not an alcoholic or in the process of getting a divorce. Seriously have gone on dates with nothing but problem drinkers and men still fighting with their ex's. Ask me out when everything is signed and notarized and you've gone your separate ways, not before. I'm on the market if anyone is looking.

Posted by: scorzi at November 27, 2011 8:39 PM

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMM!

Also, just ham. I love ham.

But, a new job for my husband would be nice. And a new car, and the lottery.

Also an ipod and a new computer.

Posted by: figgy at November 27, 2011 8:41 PM

Well, I'm gonna rain puppies and rainbows over all y'all's doom & whine fest.

I got what I want already. My mom's health is improving after a rough patch that started week 2 of September. It's been a while to get a handle on it, including 4 nights in critical care early this month plus some really obnoxious drugs. (For her. They're not giving me enough drugs.) She'll require extra home support from sis and I at least through mid-January, but she's OK.

So, whew.

I could whine. BUT this particular brush with badness has SuperWoman actually accepting help, organizing meds and contact info and similar, and letting us reconfigure the house.

Just to make it interesting, while mom was crashing I got pinged about The Perfect Job Ever (for me). Guy who knows me. Pretty much my job to lose. That's dead given my being otherwise engaged. Tech-trendoid types are not ... forgiving.

So, do I whine? My mom's alive.

Besides, last week mom got the coolest cane ever. I got one too, so, come spring we can go walking together, well armed in case the local bear is feeling feisty. (Not kidding about the bear.)

Wishing for the impossible it would be that the tech types who pinged me would grow their hearts three sizes and let me come play anyway. Given that the douchery in The Social Network was downplayed for ratings, that ain't gonna happen.

But my mom's alive, and we have matching walking sticks. How awesome is my life?

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at November 27, 2011 8:50 PM

Zombie Mrs Smith, I think I love you.

But I want to know for sure.

So c'mon and hold me tight.

Ooh, you move me.

Posted by: Mavler at November 27, 2011 8:56 PM

I would like a time machine. I could go back a couple years before my mom had her stroke and shake some goddamn sense into her. Tell her to stop guzzling Coke and downing Hersheys so that the diabetes she had had for 20 some odd years that she refused to acknowledge or take care of didn't render her the helpless,child like,dementia addled 65 year old she is today. I'd get my mid 20's back that way too,since those have now been devoted to taking care of her.
Also, I'd go back and not let someone go.

Oooooh,oooooh,ooooh,also I'd love to go to all of my I Want To Go To There places on my Pinterest board!!!!

Posted by: Lil Cynnie at November 27, 2011 8:56 PM

I would like a time machine. I could go back a couple years before my mom had her stroke and shake some goddamn sense into her. Tell her to stop guzzling Coke and downing Hersheys so that the diabetes she had had for 20 some odd years that she refused to acknowledge or take care of didn't render her the helpless,child like,dementia addled 65 year old she is today. I'd get my mid 20's back that way too,since those have now been devoted to taking care of her.
Also, I'd go back and not let someone go.

Oooooh,oooooh,ooooh,also I'd love to go to all of my I Want To Go To There places on my Pinterest board!!!!

Posted by: Lil Cynnie at November 27, 2011 8:58 PM

Also I'd go back in my time machine to before I angrily posted my previous comment. I'm hungry,you see,and nothing makes me more bitter and angry than a rumbling in my tummy. I guess you could say I'm hangry.

Posted by: Lil Cynnie at November 27, 2011 9:02 PM

A job. Health insurance. The economy not to go to hell. No war with Syria and Iran. The ghetto assholes that moved in next door to actually be convicted of the robbing my house. The Avengers movie not to suck. If you want to throw in Deborah Ann Woll and Emila Clarke, I wouldn't object too much.

Posted by: Sean at November 27, 2011 10:42 PM

A relationship, or just a fuckbuddy. A decent rainy day fund. And a boobjob. I lost a ton of weight this year, and the sweater puppets look a bit like sock puppets now. And it would really be the cherry on top for my transformation.

Posted by: Xoch at November 27, 2011 11:34 PM

I would like to get a better job than my current one (hate,hate,hate)
The grieving process over my mothers death is crippling me, and I would like to have Christmas day off from crying. Shit, now I'm crying.
And I really, really ,really want Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

Posted by: hippyherb at November 27, 2011 11:56 PM

1. Skarsgard, RDJ, and Marilyn Manson all together for one hell of a night full of sexytime.

2. To discover oil in the backyard and become wealthy.

3. And then the world peace and all of the children of the world coming together a la Steve Martins Christmas wish. And the month long orgasm.

4. Patience not to refer out loud to slow moving people in front of me in public as "walkers". Apparently other people watch "The Walking Dead" and are not amused...

5. A pony. Never got one despite it being number one on my list from the age of 5 to about 15.

6. An immediate cease and desist order for anyone playing "Feliz Navidad" or "Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time". Non compliance with the order will be punishable by death.

7. Minions. Lots of them to do my bidding.

That is all.

Posted by: The Woo at November 28, 2011 12:06 AM

Kristin Kreuk. Community to not be canceled. More Firefly. The Avengers and TDKR to be as awesome as we hope they will be. The Republicans nominate Newt Gingrich. My job interview in a few weeks to go well. And if it doesn't, another extension on my student loans.

Posted by: Dave at November 28, 2011 12:33 AM

1. Skarsgard, RDJ, and Marilyn Manson all together for one hell of a night full of sexytime.

Wow! That's ambitious. All together? I mean, how about on consecutive nights or something?

Posted by: MM at November 28, 2011 1:05 AM

Well hell... I'd like to love myself the way I am... but I'd rather the Blue Fairy just whisk away the 45 lbs of "baby weight" I'm desperate to lose. Also, I wish for some magical way for my husband & I to go back home, back to school, work AND spend loads of time with our little dude. Or do all that & not work.. hmmmm

Or, while we're wishin' away... a gajabillion dollars(tax free!) so hubs & I can take care of our parents forever & ever amen.

Oh. And Colin Ferrall with a side of Micheal Fassbender

Posted by: Bodhi at November 28, 2011 1:45 AM

As Santa's Chief Advance Scout for the U.S.A., I thank you for posting your wishes where I come to read anyway, but I have to tell you, there are some miserable motherfuckers here. The Boss is a sensitive soul, so I may not pass along all of your wishes to the old fat guy. Next time, ask for something more upbeat.

Bierce, look for a special gift under your tree.

Posted by: Elf #1 at November 28, 2011 6:08 AM

Someone to write me a check for like, ten million dollars so I can get my mother, kid sister and myself away from our abusive dad. And then Wolverine to kick the shit out of him while I watch.

Posted by: Ozioma at November 28, 2011 8:00 AM

I'd like to win an Oscar so I can finally give that acceptance speech I've been practicing since I was 12 - the one in which I thank everyone briefly and then dedicate the damn thing to the fascist math teacher who made me stand up in class just so he could tell me to learn how to cook and sew because I would never amount to anything. (Mind you, I was acing everything else. He also said girls don't have the brains for math in general. 30 years later and he still makes me mad.)

Posted by: cinekat at November 28, 2011 8:47 AM

I would like to feel powerful and have the luxury of choices.

Posted by: Agogagogo at November 28, 2011 9:47 AM

Oh, and not worry about being a homeless family of 5.

Posted by: Agogagogo at November 28, 2011 9:48 AM

I could stand to lose about 15 pounds. Sooo, give me it.

Posted by: the new transported man at November 28, 2011 9:57 AM

Yes, severine, that Askars - the orange mocha frappucino years.

I want Metta Ron Artest.

Posted by: Adrien at November 28, 2011 10:05 AM

I would like one breast implant. I only need one, and it should match the side that's real.

Posted by: BWeaves at November 28, 2011 10:40 AM

Having the stamina to walk across the room like most people would be good.

Having the stamina to RUN would be GREAT.

Not being tethered to oxygen would be awesome!

And while you're at it, how about you...

* Fix my hernia

* Shead some of my pounds

* Shead some of my wife's pounds

* Send me a working Green Lantern ring (working does not mean "lighting up"...yellow weakness optional)

* Bring the world a little needed hope and joy

Posted by: Green Lantern at November 28, 2011 10:41 AM

I'd like to be a colonist for the first off world colony. A place where we try to leave behind our differences and start over. And there should be dragons...(Thank you, Anne McCaffrey.)

Or David Tennant with a big red bow. ;)

Posted by: Bob Frapples at November 28, 2011 10:55 AM

- A cure for my baby sisters' broken heart.
- A quick and easy moving out process for my ex boyfriend and his son.
- A plane ticket to Jamaica to join the rest of my family for New Years
- For my ill advised perm to calm down already

Posted by: Wormer at November 28, 2011 11:39 AM

1) Alexander Skarsgard and Joel Kinnaman and me in a filthy week-long sandwich.
2) a better job
3)for someone to invent the cure for cancer because so many people around me are suffering
4) world peace

But I'll settle for #1, easily.

Posted by: astounded at November 28, 2011 11:56 AM

Courage.

Posted by: the other courtney at November 28, 2011 1:03 PM

A job. A full time job. Please Please Please Santa, God, Mohammad. I am asking for everyone's help.

Posted by: Haystacks at November 28, 2011 2:29 PM

For all the interning and education and student loans to actually become WORTH IT.

Posted by: PerpetualIntern at November 28, 2011 2:53 PM

All I want is you, because you used my favorite U2 song for your Headline....

Posted by: RedbeardSamurai at November 28, 2011 4:55 PM

I just want my health back. I know it's lame but you never miss it till you lose it.

Posted by: Irina at November 28, 2011 5:43 PM

for my employer's establishment to burn down.

I have the job security many of you are in search of here, and that's just a nice way of saying: "This is a shit job that will suck your soul, your health, and sanity and make you wish to die. Every second of every day. Merry Christmas!"

Posted by: annie711pm at November 28, 2011 8:04 PM

I would like to not lose my house. So...a job would be nice. Or a big lottery win.

I'm gonna go with lottery. I think my odds are a lot better there.

Posted by: DeadBessie at November 28, 2011 9:03 PM

I would very much like to be healthy once again, and no longer be poked, prodded and stuck with needles while the doctors try to figure out why I've been vomiting explosively and unable to eat for months.

Failing that I'll have some clothes like Ming on Awkward would wear, to go with my huge weight loss (so there's a sorta silver lining) for when I'm finally able to leave the house again.

Posted by: Bumwee McGee at November 29, 2011 2:54 AM

Skarsgard. And to win the lotto so I can buy whatever I want and take care of my mother. Mostly a new life- there's a store for that right?

Posted by: littlealbatross at December 6, 2011 11:24 AM