It’s been quiet this week. Too quiet. As if something has been missing on a visceral, almost spiritual level. The afternoon arrives, and our souls instinctively brace for the piercing, nasally cry of “I’m John McCain’s daughter” in a context where it has no business being whatsoever — but it never comes. And it may never come again. (I swear to god, I’m not trying to make this sexual. At least right away.)
In an explosive report that has caused an alarming number of people to check on my well-being like I’m going to smear lipstick all over my face and scream “MY FATHER” at squirrels — I shouldn’t be alone right now — sources have told The Daily Beast that Meghan McCain wants to quit The View because she feels like a “caged animal.” Which is an interesting way to describe making millions of dollars to squawk at your co-hosts who are presumably forbidden from saying, “Bitch, you’re married to The Federalist” and ending your ass right there on the spot.
Naturally, Meghan declined to be interviewed by The Daily Beast despite working there for years as a columnist, but top producers for The View agreed to talk, and shockingly, they seemed very interested in keeping Meghan on the show? *rubs eyes* Excuse me?
“We don’t want people to attack Meghan. We’re happy to have Meghan there,” Hilary Estey McLoughlin, the show’s senior executive producer, told The Daily Beast. “I think she does want to be there. I think she wants to be on the show. She realizes it’s a very good platform for her and we love having her there. I feel like she will come back.”
However, as McLoughlin acknowledged, “these stories don’t seem to go away.”
“What happens with Meghan is that because she’s so passionate about what she’s talking about, and she feels very strongly that she’s carrying this mantle for the conservative perspective, and what she wants to talk about is so important to her, I think that’s the part that’s the most draining for her,” McLoughlin said.
By “these stories,” McLoughlin means numerous tabloid reports like the one where Meghan cursed out a producer and is generally goddamn napalm in a mayo jar behind the scenes. So here’s the part where the petty gossip-hound inside of me started cackling with glee because what initially started as a trade report on Meghan possibly exiting The View quickly became a schadenfreude dive into backstage drama. I may have licked my lips at one point. This is the stuff right here, folks.
In contrast to many of her colleagues, who spend weekends in the Hamptons, McCain likes to spend her time off at home in Arizona, “hanging out in the creek and doing Jell-O shots and shooting guns,” this person said.
*grips desk* Oh mama…
And that was just a taste. There’s an entire section on how Jell-O drunk Annie Oakley tried to get a makeup artist fired for liking an “anti-Meghan video” on social media. It didn’t work. So go ahead and add that to the massive pile of evidence that the hair and makeup people hate the shit out of America’s Creek-Dwelling Princess, and it shows every single time you see her face.
But where things really get wild is the not very subtle allegation that the source of the tabloid leaks is Sunny Hostin.
It also didn’t go unnoticed by Team McCain, however, that Sunny Hostin began following cartoonist Eli Valley on Twitter shortly after he posted a grotesque caricature of a cross-wearing Meghan in March lampooning her supposedly hypocritical support for the Jewish people and state of Israel. McCain herself tweeted at Valley: “This is one of the most anti-semitic things I’ve ever seen. Also, this reveals so much more about you than it does me…”
The 50-year-old Hostin, a former Justice Department lawyer and federal sex-crimes prosecutor who also works as a legal analyst for ABC News, clashes regularly with McCain on the air, and members of Team McCain speculate that Hostin, who keeps her cool on camera, has been a source of some of the negative publicity—though not directly. (Indeed, while Hostin declined an interview request, two members of her inner circle, responding to emails sent to Hostin from The Daily Beast, shared unflattering comments about McCain.)
So not only is Meghan hell on wheels to people who barely make a fraction of her salary to shellac her face for the cameras, but she’s apparently locked in a cold war with Sunny in addition to her out-in-the-open blitzkrieg against Joy and Whoopi. In other words, she’s barely a notch above a Real Housewife, so of course, producers are scrambling to keep that fire burning because, no, The New York Times, The View is not “The Most Important Political TV Show in America.” It is a trash-maw of drama where Meghan McCain and Joy Behar literally scream at each other about penises and vaginas. (Like a good conservative woman, Meghan hates the latter and will kick every single one that isn’t hers because she’s a being of pure patriarchy who sometimes looks like a sofa.)
If you subjected yourself to that clip, I’ll be forming a support group later today. In the meantime, if you’re curious as to why Meghan got immediately pissed at the notion of female politicians crushing their male counterparts, in her defense, she did have a very up close and personal look at Sarah Palin. If there’s one person who could make even the most die-hard of feminists think maybe women should stay out of politics, it’s Wolf Shoot Barbie. Plus Palin mortally wounded the campaign of a “great man” who not only doesn’t have a vagina, but often called his wife a derogatory euphemism for one. So no wonder Meghan hates ham wallets. She learned how to from the best.
At this point, it’s anyone’s guess if The View can even survive without a never-ending barrage of nepotistic grave-humping that brings literally nothing to the table except for outbursts that sound like Roseanne pretending she knows how politics work when she very clearly does not. “Can I just say, Dan, that if the Democrats think they’re going to win by peeing sitting down, HA! My father is John McCain.” Except I’m actually being serious, and I will do anything to make that never go away. Anything. I’m talking no longer living in Meghan’s crawlspace if that’s what it takes. I’ll have my tools out by morning. My precious tools…
Header Image Source: The View/YouTube