Fighting, Finding Jesus and Biting the Hand that Feeds You: This Week in Child Stardom

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | November 29, 2012 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | November 29, 2012 |

Well, my friends, it has been a banner week for child stars, let me tell you.

• On Sunday, we had the amazing wig parade that was the premiere of Liz & Dick on Lifetime.
• On Monday, Angus T. Jones (the titular “Half” on “Two and a Half Men”) professed his devotion to a church that believes Jay-Z is a satanic Freemason, Obama is Hitler and the pope is behind a New World Order conspiracy, responsible for the death of Michael Jackson. So, things are going well for him.
• Last night, Lindsay Lohan (she’s had a big week) was arrested for punching a woman, allegedly without much provocation, and all over a boy bander she saw open for Justin Bieber earlier that night.

We’ll start with Young Angus.

Oh, buddy.

Long story short from THR, for those who’ve managed to miss this story or don’t feel like watching the video:

“Jake from Two and a Half Men means nothing. He is a non-existent character,” Jones says in a video for the Forerunner Chronicles, a Christian group. “If you watch Two and a Half Men, please stop watching Two and a Half Men. I’m on Two and a Half Men and I don’t want to be on it. Please stop watching it and filling your head with filth. People say it’s just entertainment. Do some research on the effects of television and your brain, and I promise you you’ll have a decision to make when it comes to television, especially with what you watch.”

Jones continues with the testimonial, intimating that the show is part of the plan of “the enemy” — presumably Satan. “If I am doing any harm, I don’t want to be here,” he says. “I don’t want to be contributing to the enemy’s plan. … You cannot be a true God-fearing person and be on a television show like that. I know I can’t. I’m not OK with what I’m learning, what the Bible says and being on that television show.”

Here’s the thing. Be it drugs, alcohol, sex or being subjected to Charlie Sheen, something always goes wrong with these kids. Always. The exceptions are either just that, or they’re better at hiding it or got help. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again and again until the day arrives when milk and cookies becomes the new Hollywood fad, fame and the world of celebrity is wholly unnatural, and will fuck you up. It is not a matter of if. It’s a matter of how and when. For some, it’s blowing rails in a club bathroom (we’ll get to her in a second); for some, it’s the lord. Why do you think so many celebrities buy into the Wonderful World of Xenu? Because they are susceptible. They are weak, ruined by an extended period of nothing but “yes,” “more” and more “yes.” When everything is so, so easy, the brain cannot possibly process hard or “no.” So, when they inevitably experience some kind of rejection or disappointment, something has to cushion the blow. Angus chose whatever that us up there.

Lindsay has chosen lots of things. This week, it’s beating bitches down. Also, she’s being charged on three other accounts, related to that time she crashed a Porsche into a big rig and lied about it.

Everything’s coming up Lindsay! *throw confetti*

Ever just want to grab someone, shake them and scream “GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER”? That’s how I feel about this chick. As much as I think she’s an entitled asshole, absent of any and all mental illness, addiction or excuse that leads to this repeated behavior, she’s still “one of them.” She really is like this for a reason. Not a *good* reason, mind you, and by no means is that an excuse for her actions again and again and again and again and so on and so forth. But, still. It’s not like I want to see her OD in an alley or anything.

So, um, this was depressing. Let’s end on a high note.