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Live Blogged: Lifetime's Lohansterbacle Liz & Dick

By Courtney Enlow | Film Reviews | November 25, 2012 | Comments ()


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10:02 - Well that was a shitstorm. But dammit if it didn't singlehandedly bankroll the ugly fake fur hat industry well into the next century. Thanks to everyone who played along at home. You are all my oceans and I drown in you or something.

10:01 - Did she call that lady mother, or did I mishear? Because that lady hasn't aged the whole movie. What the Dorian Gray fuck?

9:59 - Okay, last four minutes of the movie = no cancer, married again, it doesn't last, he dead, this hair. U cry evry time.

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9:58 - Okay, how are they pulling this one off? "Congratulations, guys!" *whomp whomp sound*

9:57 - "Fit as a fiddle." Words never used to describe Elizabeth Taylor, who was, like, the sickest person ever.

9:51 - There's nine minutes left. What is happening and why. Did we see or hear any indication as to why she's in the hospital right now. What is happening. THERE ARE SO FEW MINUTES LEFT.

9:49 - "A farm in Wales, a boat, something, I don't know." = how the writers began writing that line in their heads and then just wrote it down.

9:47 - That. BEARD. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a late-in-the-game Cinderella story. The best wig in the movie yet.

9:47 - ...Lifetime is producing a reality series about bra fitting? Yeah, that seems about right.

9:42 - What I like/love/hate most about these confessional interstitials is that they are the absolute laziest storytelling device in a two-hour celebration of laziness.

9:40 - Do you think the crying about no longer being a star was genuine and actually the most self-aware moment of Lindsay's entire life? Because she's not that good an actress. Even the craziest have their moments of clarity.

9:37 - "Whaht is yo-ah probe-lemm?" Lindsay. Babycakes. The accent. We need to talk about it.

9:36 - "My brother will never walk again AND I didn't win the Oscar? FUCKING SCOFIELD."

9:35 - Did Burton ever slip back into Welshness, or was this just another in a series of accent spazziness? Because his brother is the Welshest.

9:34 - Okay, props peeps, yes, that ring was big in real life. But it wasn't a goddamn cloudy Ring Pop. Rein it in.

9:31 - Remember that fur hat I posted earlier? When pap shots of that scene hit the circuit, everyone thought she was obviously wearing old lady aging makeup. She wasn't. That was straight up just Lindsay's face. No joke whatsoever. It's almost sad.

9:29 - Only a half hour left, guys. We're in the home stretch now. What happens next I wonder. HOW FAR ARE WE FROM THIS?

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9:26 - "Do you want to make them more beautiful?" I really thought that was heading into very awkward hand job innuendo territory.

9:25 - "Money's getting tight and bills are getting harder to pay." "THEN WE SHALL LIVE ON A YACHT." = every discussion my husband and I have about money.

9:24 - We're watching Lindsay Lohan's career flatline hilariously before our very eyes AND Chris Brown just deleted his Twitter? FETCH THE FATTEST GOOSE AT THE MARKET, BOY! This is the grandest Christmas of all!

9:22 - I want an entire movie of people whining about not staying in the theaahhtahh.

9:21 - I bet those kids had a lot of "awk-waaaard" moments in their lives.

9:19 - Cleo-fat-ra!

9:17 - Oh dear sweet holy Jesus, this is really happening, they're really re-enacting Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

9:13 - He just lost the Oscar and had to run after her and apologize to her because he got sad and it made her mad. ... I was going to snark, but first I should probably apologize to my husband for about 25% of all our fights.

9:12 - He should have bitten his knuckle. Why the hell didn't they have him bite his knuckle? FUCKIN' LEE MARVIN! *shakes fist*

9:11 - Steve Brady is owning Richard Burton all over this piece.

9:10 - Not to ignore all the Hamletting, but this is the best RT ever. Thank you, Real Eye Doctor Man on Twitter.

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9:07 - When they make the movie of the making of this movie, I want Martin Freeman to play Grant Bowler because the hair people were sure going for some Bilbo Baggins shit with him.

9:06 - That last comment was for my husband who actually entered the room ah-spoilering as I typed it. DAMMIT, JOHN.

9:05 - Also, NO ONE SPOIL "Boardwalk Empire" FOR ME. I'll cut you.

9:03 - FYIskies, we're dropping the Facebook commenting function because it was going over about as well as this movie. Disqus is the winner.

9:02 - Dustin just emailed me and said he's not watching this, but he's reading along during "The Walking Dead" and it totally works.

9:00 - This could only be better if Lindsay was pronouncing it "Van GOFF."

8:58 - As we enjoy this commercial break, let's REALLY enjoy this screencap from Sarah that I want to nuzzle and embroider on a throwpillow.

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8:54 - *horrible fight* "Elizabeth wants to play." *smooth Sergio sax* EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS MOVIE IS COMPLETELY RAPID CYCLING BIPOLAR.

8:54 - BOSSY BOOTS! *does a touchdown dance*

8:51 - Other theory: this entire movie is actually Lindsay Lohan's descent into madness. YOU GUYS. I think that's seriously it. A drug addled, delusional mess asshole of an actress thinks she's fit to play Liz Taylor, and they film a movie that is exactly a big of a mess as her very brain. META AS FUCK. Also, this hat.

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8:50 - Theory: this was originally a four hour film and they made the groundbreaking decision to only broadcast every other scene.

8:49 - "Hurry back. I want more." You can't write this stuff. You actually can't. And I'm pretty sure no one did. The script said "say things."

8:48 - Was that just shot in Lucille Bluth's condo? BECAUSE I THINK IT SO WAS.

8:47 - Maxwell Sheffield is a fitting casting choice, because Lohan looks way more like Fran Drescher than she does Liz Taylor.

8:43 - Did you catch the really red mouth just now? Is that a weird drug thing, or was she making out with a lumberjack before that take? I'm Team Lumberjack. Then again I'm always Team Lumberjack. People are all "Team Jacob or Team Edward" and I'm all "I'm Team Lumberjack." Always. In a related story, my eyeballs itch. My fingernails are talking. I swear, the madness took way longer to set in during Batman & Robin.

8:42 - Are they back together now? Did that happen off-camera? Is their relationship the Cloverfield monster? That would be a sweet twist.

8:41 - Oh, okay, but apparently that wasn't going to be a scene, so we're moving along...

8:41 - She's wearing her sneakier, more inconspicuous stole. Good idea.

8:40 - Let's take a quick minute and talk about Lindsay's cheeks. Is she, in fact, storing nuts for the colder winter months? And by nuts, I mean crack rock.

8:39 - Aw. I'm kind of sad there's no more busted Cleopatra wig, like if Raven from "RuPaul's Drag Race" ever had to really cut corners.

8:38 - "I'm bored. I'm so bored. What? I'm bored." ACTORATING.

8:35 - What accent is she doing exactly? I want to say it's old timey gal Friday mixed with present day Madonna mixed with uppers.

8:34 - Okay, Lindsay is awful, the set is awful, the wigs are roof stoof, but I think the score might just take the awful cake. It's superb in its terribility.

8:28 - *shuffles off like a four-year-old looking for Santa Claus, yet devoid of any emotion whatsoever* "I won't live without you."

8:27 - LOST IN AN OCEAN. I live.

8:27 - "Suicide, ah-yes!" The happiest paparazzo in the world to ever deliver awful news.

8:25 - Holy shit, you guys. That was literally just a picture of Rome they were acting in front of. Like, they put up a picture of a Roman street and had people stand in front of it.

8:24 - "You call yourselves journalists?" read with all the emotion of an over-lithiumed sheltie sadly wearing a Santa hat.

8:23 - He's wearing a toga. In case you were wondering, he's wearing a toga. It's fine. Explanation unnecessary.

8:23 - "We don't need a pool. I have a whole ocean in you." I literally just spit wine all over my laptop.

8:21 - See, when famous people were dicks back then, it was romantic and glamourous. But that's because they had CLASS. They ran off to take bubble baths. Lindsay usually runs off to her "sea quartz and jasper" dealer.

8:16 - And with that we have a fittingly stupid cut to commercial. Good times.

8:15 - This is like a confetti gun of horrible hair. I want to snuggle the screen.

8:14 - "You were vulnerable after Mike's death." Condescending Richard Burton is condescending.

8:13 - CREED. Capisce!

8:13 - Lifetime blowjobs: things that happen just north of the belly button.

8:09 - Oh, this scene of Elindsaybeth reminds me. Did you read this amazement? "Elizabeth was drunk on sets. I've never been drunk on set, ever. I did my time and respect the law." SHE SAID THAT, GUYS. LINDSAY LOHAN SAID THAT.

8:08 - I am living for the inept audacity of having her actually do Taylor's scenes. My heart. It swells. Spilling white heart bosom heart swell.

8:07 - "Spilling. White. Hot. Bosom."

8:03 - I'm already in about seventeen kids of heaven. The black-on-black director's chairs "Real World" confessionals? The most budget set this side of Showtime after midnight softcore? Lohan's Lohanic voice without the slightest hint of adjustment, with the addition of the best pseudo accent I've heard on TV this season since every episode of "American Horror Story" this year? Guys, I am in love.

8:02 - LOOK. AT. THAT. HAIRLINE. Oh, sweet Dickie B. Apparently he was part Ewok.

8:00 - "Based on a true story." Just in case you weren't sure. Also, what a glamourous parade of production stills. I love a credit sequence you could do in Adobe Premiere in under ten minutes. Also, I want the Faux Richard Burton holding the Yorrick skull as my desktop background. Good lord of magic wonder.

7:58 - In other news, if you, too, have been accidentally watching this Winnie Cooper, Lea Thompson, Guy-I-Thought-Was-Zack-Levi-At-First-But-Isn't nonsense, you are probably already experiencing a terrible lactose intolerance of your standard Lifetime cheese. Jesus. That is rough.

7:55 - YOU GUYS. After what feels like years of waiting, it is almost upon us. An o holy night, like that of the coming of the christchild, were that the christchild had a nose lined with the residue of a thousand tightly composed lines of white powder. Before us lay a magical world of romance, fame, intrigue, featuring a whole bevy of stars, such as Mr. Sheffield from "The Nanny," Miranda's husband Steve from "Sex and the City" and a guy who appeared in seven episodes of "True Blood" as the character Cooter. Also? Creed Bratton.

But the star shining most brightly tonight, if for no other reason than the glowing sheen of years of cocaine use, is one Lindsay Morgan Lohan, she with the delicate liver spots of a girl half her age (she's 72, right? No? 26? Bullshit.) and the dulcet, soothing voice of that time I dropped a whole bunch of lemon seeds into the garbage disposal. Tonight will be her most spectacular moment.

And, if I may be completely genuine, I'm not actually sure this movie is going to be embarrassing enough to bump her final interview from the top of the list of "things most offensive to the memory of international treasure, Elizabeth Taylor." Because as bad as this will be, that was worse. (If you haven't read it, you must; it will simultaneously make you love Liz Taylor even more and hate Kim Kardashian even more, though you may not think it possible to do either. "You are my idol. But I'm six husbands and some big jewels behind. What should I do?" UGH. Fuck you, Kim.)







Are you following Pajiba on Facebook or Twitter? Every time you do, Bill Murray crashes a wedding.


Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Sirilicious

    Sometimes I see celebrities' faces and there is a wrongness radiating from them. Lohan has it, Rourke has it (in ridiculous abundance) and tonight when i saw Stockard Channing like that, it finally dawned on me. They have turned themselves into ventriloquist dummies, quite literally. And noone likes a ventriloquist dummy.

  • lowercase_ryan

    *speechless*

  • F'mal DeHyde

    The photo in car the car looks more like a puffy faced Joan Collins.

  • From the sound of the article and comments (like HELL was I going to sit through that travesty -- Taylor/Burton is my ultimate OTP and I won't have it raped by any network, basic or otherwise), it sounds like someone was trying to reimagine Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? but dragged it through a very large vat of tapioca-flavored shit.

    It frightens me that LiLo is a month older than me. I also would like to meet the person who thought one cosplay session for photographers meant this crap should be spawned. Another part of me thinks, "Well, at least they waited until they were dead." You know Taylor wouldn't have stood for this at all. That's what Hollywood is missing these days: old-fashioned sass, class, and ass.

  • 'Is their relationship the Cloverfield monster?'
    I love you

  • yocean

    On that interview; it's like there is a glistening sheen of fake between Kim Kardashian and humanity that is preventing her from feeling or expressing anything genuine. And even Elizabeth Taylor with all her love and passion and sweetness just slid right off that vacuous composite of ass and face. I shuddered for Liz.

  • I've been reading this while watching football, and was deeply confused by the repeated references to Richard Burton. The only Richard Burton I knew was the British explorer featured in Riverworld. I kept wondering how I had missed that he had been married to Elizabeth Taylor, thinking that there was some inside joke in the books that I had missed. Wikipedia set me straight. It took me this long to look it up because Aaron Rodgers has a profound child molester mustache going on.

  • LaineyBobainey

    I hope Dustin gave you a bonus for doing this, Courtney. Or that TK owes you FOREVER for doing it so he didn't have to.

    Gahd, this movie blew. I mean, I didn't expect it to be *good*, but I expected it to be entertainingly bad!

  • e jerry powell

    Lifetime. Too much to ask.

  • Jezzer

    Wait, TK's pain was an OPTION?

  • Rochelle

    There wasn't merely enough Creed Bratton. I would have loved for the whole movie to be Creed Bratton as his Office character interviewing 'Liz' and 'Dick,'. Although these last 4 minutes have been priceless.

  • apsutter

    Did she even attempt to sound like Liz during this entire damn movie?! I mean, how awful..why is her voice so gravelly?!? She sounds like Lily Aldrin in that episode of How I Met Your Mother when she was smoking again!

  • mswas

    And now they're playing the Whitney commercial? Trainwreck trifecta in play!

  • VonnegutSlut

    It's unnerving to me how much Lohan looks like Carol Channing in those director's chair confessionals.

  • Bodhi

    Who is Henry & why is she in the hospital? I am ever so confused

  • LaineyBobainey

    I don't know who Henry is, but I think she had back surgery?

  • Bodhi

    Oh, thats right. She got hurt filming National Velvet & had back issues for years.

  • Bodhi

    Maybe? Too lazy to google, finally watching tonight's walking dead!

  • LaineyBobainey

    There are only 15 minutes left, but I don't know if I can hang with it. I just. don't. care. Plus, don't they need to get divorced and then get married again? I mean, it seems like a lot of stuff needs to happen still.

    This movie sucks.

  • LaineyBobainey

    Plus, she's supposed to get fat. Is she going to get fat or not?

  • Jezzer

    She'd have to lay off the cocaine first.

  • VonnegutSlut

    I would have loved this movie even more if Faux Burton never took off that frou frou fur coat and Liz-han wore only those extremely loud print muumuus.

    P.S. What in the holy fuck is wrong with this movie that Burton's beloved brother dies and they can't fucking wait to cut to Lohan bashing the shit out of his memory? (File that under Liz & Dick What the Fuckery Item #24,458.)

  • VonnegutSlut

    I decree that, henceforth, I shall only be formally addressed as "Miss Pudgy Digits." And you can only do it in your best Richard Burton accent.

  • mswas

    In tribute, it should be your worst Richard Burton accent.

  • LaineyBobainey

    We don't have any money, so we'll get a yacht, bring along a personal photographer, and get me a big-ass ring!

  • Genevieve Burgess

    I can totally see LiLo's bra in those black box scenes and it is NOT period appropriate.

  • Bodhi

    Who let that many small children around LL?

  • LaineyBobainey

    This movie was giving me a headache before the pan with the wooden spoon scene and the yelling.

  • Fasha

    This is terrible. I LOVE IT.

  • LaineyBobainey

    I think that was actually the real bellman from the Marmont trying to ask Lindsay if she was going to pay her damn bill and again, the film crew decided to just go with it...

  • Bodhi

    ThesBian

  • Bodhi

    ??

  • Pretty Hate Machine

    Was Elizabeth Taylor really this needy and moronic? I admit, I really don't know that much about her except for her characters in movies and multiple marriages.

  • PDamian

    My mom is an ETaylor fan, and has a few biographies about her, some of which I've read. She had issues, yes, mostly as a consequence of her time as a child star, but no-one ever accused her of being stupid. She was a pretty shrewd jewelry collector/investor, and knew how to harness her star power to make money, both for herself and her causes. She was also very compassionate, and also occasionally vulgar to the point of crassness (she appreciated a filthy joke like no-one else). Reducing her to a pallid recreation of her tabloid worst is an abomination.

  • Bodhi

    Do people who cheat on their spouses talk about the cheated upon that often? I'd think it would be a topic best avoided

  • LaineyBobainey

    "Tonight we forget about Eddie" - Eddie hasn't even been mentioned in the last 40 minutes. I ALREADY forgot about Eddie!

  • mswas

    Holy crap, I thought the Flashdance commercial was part of the Liz & Dick movie!!!!

  • LaineyBobainey

    Shit, it could be for all the weird continuity issues this movie has.

  • LaineyBobainey

    Thank God, fb and texting and Twitter weren't around when Liz was younger. Man, she would have been drama llama ALL the time and vaguebooking like a mothah.

  • LaineyBobainey

    Oh, Mistah Sheffffield!

  • jM

    "I'm bored! I'M SO BORED!"

    That's my line, Linds.

  • LaineyBobainey

    I think the whole "I'm BORED" thing was just Lindsey sitting around semi-lucid on set one day, so they filmed it and threw it in and pretended it was part of the movie.

  • Erin S

    The only accurate thing about this is how short Marc Antony's skirt is.

  • Erin S

    "Hey,
    you know what sounds like a great idea? Let's take one of the most
    passionate and exciting affairs in Hollywood history and make it a
    boring series of shallow moments of exposition starring an uncaring
    trouty-mouthed train wreck." -The Folks at Lifetime

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Hey, she's no trouty mouth, and it's an insult to trouty-mouthed people to say she is (like... I've only got that kid from Glee?). She's a guppy mouth, At. Best.

  • michaelceratops

    I don't have cable so I thought all was lost, but through nefarious ways, I am now watching this and I AM GIDDY. I don't always advocate this (i.e. I watch Project Runway and the Soup at a friend's house) but this is LIZ AND DICK. I just can't.

  • Trouble

    I'm not even bothering to watch. I'm just reading Court's live-blog. This way, I won't need to bleach my brain afterward...

  • LaineyBobainey

    OOOOOOH, Rob Lowe's in another Lifetime movie? YES! "I'm untouchable, bitch." God, that movie was awful and he was even awfuler in it. I loved it so much!

  • apsutter

    I got sooo excited when I saw the commercial for his new movie!! He is absolute gold in Lifetime movies. Glad that he's doing cheesy stuff while also playing the spectacular Chris Traeger.

  • LaineyBobainey

    That "Rome" background was AWESOME. I can see Lifetime shelled out the big bucks for this one!

  • Bodhi

    LL's Chateau Marmont bill cut into the budget

  • The insurance on her alone had to be more than Lifetime makes in a year. I'm amazed it's not a finger puppet show.

  • Bodhi

    They could borrow my toddler's collection & I would totally cut them a break

  • e jerry powell

    No more than 10%, I hope...

  • Genevieve Burgess

    Lohan's wig is about on par with the wig I bought for Halloween this year that cost $23 on Amazon. And that's the least troubling thing about what's going on.

  • Bodhi

    OH THE PILLS!!

  • Jezzer

    I don't get it. Is Lindsay supposed to be playing Liz at the END of her career?

  • SittingPat

    I think she's Dick in drag.

  • LaineyBobainey

    Ohmygod, I'm not even kidding, her laugh is filled with phlegm. How much does this chick smoke that at 26 she already sounds like my grandma?!

  • Genevieve Burgess

    That woman has been through more in the 26 years the both of us have been on the planet than I will go through in the remainder of my life. I hope.

  • Bodhi

    But, but she is a CHILD qouth Dina Lohan

  • LaineyBobainey

    Oh, the wacky hijinx have ensued!

  • Tracer Bullet

    Shit. I hate myself for not having cable. I mean, I hate myself for a lot of reasons, but for right now, it's for not having cable.

  • I don't even have Lifetime, but I'll be reading this LIVE.

    Also I wonder how much of the ratings for this trainwreck will come from people liveblogging it for shits and giggles.

  • Jezzer

    *scoffs at Facebook comments* Nowai.

  • LaineyBobainey

    Ok, I don't even know which comments section to use - THE DRAMA of this is already making me wish I had some of Linds's pile o'pills on-hand!

  • Tinkerville

    All I can say is, thank you for doing this Courtney. I was apathetic about this whole Liz & Dick thing until they announced you were live blogging it. Now I'm excited as fuck.

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