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Let's Speculate Wildly About the Contents of Lindsay Lohan's Pink Bag

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | June 12, 2012 | Comments ()


lohan2012.jpg

If you have not been following the ongoing saga of Lindsay Lohan's latest automotive sketchiness, you, my friends, have been missing out.

Per usual, this story has emerged in layers as Lindsay and her entourage of bad creative writing students release nuggets of information. So, here's a helpful timeline for your convenience:

  • Lindsay Lohan rear-ended an 18-wheeler with her Porche.
  • The driver of the truck told TMZ that Lindsay's people got super freaked out when he tried to call 911, first offering to pay him off to not call 911, then collecting a pink bag of mystery, covering the bag with clothing, then asking him to not tell the police about said pink bag.
  • Lindsay says that the truck cut her off AND she only hit it because her brakes suddenly went out, because just one excuse might have bordered on almost believable so she needed a second to make sure we all knew bitch lies.
  • She also told the police that her assistant was driving. Bitch lies.
  • Dina Lohan stepped in with a third excuse -- Lindsicle was being chased by the paparazzi when the wreck occurred, forcing her to slam into a truck that cut her off while her brakes went out in the conservatory with the lead pipe.

The real question is: what mystical treasures were contained in Lindsay Lohan's pink bag? Feel free to add your own guesses.

  • Sea jasper and rose quartz
  • An extra syringe of lip and cheek filler in case she starts to deflate
  • Totally legitimately acquired necklaces
  • Mentos (she just likes Mentos)
  • Nicolas Cage's old hairline
  • Packages of Activia stolen from Jamie Lee Curtis
  • Chad Michael Murray
  • The Cœur de la Mer
  • The spoken word portion of "Oops!... I Did It Again" about the Cœur de la Mer
  • Jimmy Hoffa's head
  • A half-figured out joke about "pink bag" meaning "vagina"
  • The real Katie Holmes, not her Scientology robot
  • The real Slim Shady
  • Slim Jims
  • Slim Pickens
  • My baby
  • Your baby
  • That baby she hit with the car that one time
  • Any remaining semblance of pity from anyone still thinking she's a tragic figure and not an entitled twat in the vein of Charlie Sheen
  • And crack. Probably.


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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Blankverse

    a partridge in a pear tree! (what? It's almost Christmas in July)

  • RhymesWithSilver

    Vodka, tampons, a 6" piece of moleskin, coupons for free hugs, assorted carabiners, a lone Ugg, The Best of Queen, a Pentium 4 processor, a squeegee, 2 pairs of socks, elementally pure potassium, Care Bear pajamas, an original copy of the Magna Carta, a vise grip, Nutella, the inner ear bones of David Foster Wallace, a DVD of "Nights in Rodanthe", and lint.

    No, wait, that was my shopping list...

  • F'mal DeHyde

    I read that as "vodka tampons", no comma. That would make so much sense...

  • iamjames

    There's only one thing it can be... And it belongs to Marcellus Wallace.

    Say what again, I dare ya, I double dare ya muthafucka!

  • Hiro_the_Eighth_Samurai

    I say it held the guns or gun that was used to kill both Tupac and Biggie. I knew those murder cases would be solved eventually. Damn, Lindsay, why'd you do it?

  • Hiro_the_Eighth_Samurai

    That's kind of personal, isn't it? I really don't want to know what's been shoved into her pink bag... ohhhh, you mean, like an actual bag bag. Nevermind...

  • Matty

    Lots more money than you and I will ever have.

  • I'm gonna guess 3 burritos.

  • Jen

    Her career

  • FuckDisqus

    HAHAHA stupid whore. We are so much better than her and especially those regular people obsessed with famous people.

  • right

    I liked Pajiba better when it didn't talk about celebrities... especially ones who really don't deserve attention, good or bad. Giving it to them is like feeding a troll.

  • The spoken word portion of “Oops!… I Did It Again” about the Cœur de la Mer

    BUT I THOUGHT THE OLD LADY THREW IT INTO THE OCEAN AT THE END.

    *dying*

  • googergieger

    *looks at picture*

    See this is why I say senior citizens shouldn't be allowed to drive.

    (it's a joke senior citizens that frequent Pajiba. Are there any?)

  • JenVegas

    Fassbender's head.

  • space_oddity

    An even bigger mystery for me is how this woman still has a license to drive or can get car insurance with so many vehicular mishaps.

  • clatie

    Some really, REALLY compromising photos of the judges who keep giving her probation.

  • Penelope

    Gweneth's head in a box

  • Jessica

    Signed copies of Mean Girl and Freaky Friday with additional never before heard commentary from Lindsay Lohan that either spends it's time waxing nostalgic, coughing, trying to sell her spray tan to you and generally complaining about how people just don't understand her.

  • $27019454

    A Mazda, a Monza, A winnebago, hell -- a herd of Winnebagos -- we're giving them away, a heted kidney-shaped swimming pool, a Third Reich swizzle stick, Bob Dylan's new unlisted phone number, a dream date in kneepads with Paul Williams, a foolproof plan and an airtight alibi, a Las Vegas wedding, a Mexican divorce, and a baby's arm holding an apple.

    And Gwyneth Paltrow's head.

  • John G.

    What's in the box??

  • Archie Leach

    You know, I've got to say that lindsay looks great in that picture for a woman that's in her mid-50s.

  • Jezzer

    Sadly, Dina Lohan can now legitimately crow, "People say we look like sisters!'

  • It's not what was in the bag, but who it belonged to: Pandora. For, like a snail, Lohan carries her home around with her wherever she goes.

  • aureleus

    please don't start posting about Lindsay Lohan and such.

  • dizzylucy

    A non-functioning Emma Stone voodoo doll.

  • no one

    The cure to the zombie apocalypse.
    LiLo is a actually a medical genius who has selflessly given up her blossoming movie career and assumed the identity of a brainless twit in order to do her medical experiments in private. The semi-truck was actually planted in front of her by the zombie conspiracy to prevent the antidote from being delivered in time and now we are all doomed.

  • A straight to DVD sequel to I Know Who Killed Me.

  • Melody

    Meth. ALL THE METH.

    And the remaining shred of dignity.

  • Tinkerville

    Courtney, please never change. That's all.

  • bleujayone

    Nevermind the pink bag, how in heavens name will she explain the body in the trunk that she stole from Captain Kendrick's Memorial Hot Dog Wildlife Preserve?

  • L.O.V.E.

    In a fitting, Mad Men-esque metaphor, the bag was empty. (edited)

  • Sara_Tonin00

    bath salts.

  • John G.

    Perfect! If Lindsay is shot while eating someone's face while high on bath salts, I think TMZ might explode.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Guys need to lay off Lainey, here lies the real pants on fire

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    "..while her brakes went out in the conservatory with the lead pipe."

    Nice.

    I'm going to go with four midget hookers, a stuffed donkey, three vats of Vaseline, Jimmy Hoffa, a hard cover of War and Peace, a baker's dozen of orphaned African children, four and a half clowns, one grizzly bear (hence the half a clown) one pair of soiled underoos, a jack-in-the-box (both the toy and the fast food joint) an AK-47 with a half empty clip, a dead unicorn, fourteen litres of antiseptic and a Christmas tree from 1989.

    Oh, what was in her pink BAG? I misread the question.

  • I just wanna grab this girl and friggin' shake the ever-loving SHIT out of her...

  • -Her real face, and several others a la Return to Oz

  • Best answer!

  • caro

    coke? crack? heroin? meth? special K? rape drug? or worse Terrence malick's phone number!

  • Internet Magpie

    And baby wipes. Lots of baby wipes.

  • Amy Ransom

    Hawthorn wipes?

  • John G.

    How can a porsche rear-end an 18-wheeler?

  • How'd she rear end it and manage to not decapitate herself?

  • John G.

    She cannot be killed. The secret to her power was in the pink bag.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    You ever seen a really small gay guy and a really big, burly gay guy together? You'd be surprised at what can rear-end what.

  • John G.

    you get the upvotes for the obvious joke. Where's the love for the setup man?

  • TheOtherGreg

    A laptop with a half finished novel.

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