The Finest Excuses in the History of Celebrity F*ck Ups
So, yesterday, some paparazzi recorded Lindsay Lohan purchasing a baggie containing a powdery substance. Naturally, she made no public response and the situation was quickly forgotten. Except this was Lindsay Lohan, so that didn’t happen at all.
Instead, our precious lamb’s publicist let Radar know that things were perfectly innocent. She was merely paying for a bag of “sea jasper, a meteor, rose quartz and quartz, all purchased by her pal from a store down the street.”
Our society is so cruel you guys. Here poor Lindsay is, walking around Venice buying a mixed bag of powdery healing crystals, you know, like you do, and we have the audacity to accuse her of doing illicit things? The terrorists have won.
In honor of this totally truthful and not at all fancy bag of bullshit, I thought we would take today to celebrate the best of celebrity excuses. These people are GOOD.
January Jones and Bobby Flay hide an obvious affair with remodeling.
Despite the fact that January Jones is the most boring creation this side of Elmer’s Glue—and at least with that you can pour it on your finger and peel it off once it’s dry and pretend it’s fun—this is my favorite news story of 2010.
Jannyfriend was driving home when her car struck three parked vehicles. She handed her license to a witness and booked it the hell home where she changed clothes and shoved a bunch of gum in her mouth. A sobriety test was never issued because she’s awful purdy.
But here’s the best part. After the crash, she called Bobby Flay to come aid her in her time of need, and he did so by being the person who told her to flee the scene. Yes, Bobby Flay. Iron Chef. Docile Food Network star. Husband of ADA Alexandra Cabot.
Instead of just ignoring this story and saying nothing, which would have made the witness look crazy or astigmatic, Bobby Flay spoke to TMZ.
“We spoke with Flay, who tells us he was watching the basketball game last night at The London West Hollywood Hotel with a group of people that included Jones. Flay says he saw her drink a beer but wasn’t really watching her alcohol intake. Flay says he had only met Jones once before, and last night she asked for his number because she wanted to redo her kitchen and give his number to her designer. Flay obliged, and says he doesn’t know why Jones chose to call him after the crash, but nonetheless he drove over to help her. He says he did not argue but just wanted to make sure she was ok.”
Okay, has any statement ever made it look more like someone was banging Betty Draper, or what?
Paris Hilton thinks cocaine is gum, brings beauty and excitement to our lives.
This one is a tie because this bitch is gold.
Back in 2007, Paris urged her legions (*shakes head no*) of fans to sign a petition against her 45 day jail sentence. The reason? The petition stated that Paris Hilton adds “beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.”
Then, in 2010, she was caught with a baggie of coke (probably just sea jasper). Unable to decide between excuses, she went with a combo platter of “this is my purse but it’s filled with other people’s stuff” and “this is gum, most certainly not cocaine.” Yes, she tried to will the police through sheer mindbullets into believing that a small bag of cocaine was, in fact, delicious Fruit Stripe.
I think this one speaks for itself.
That time Jeremy London became David Fisher.
I would be remiss if I didn’t include this one.
Apparently undone by the fact that he was supposed to be the star of Mallrats but all anyone cared about was Jason Lee, Jeremy London took to hard drugs. For reference, Jeremy is the one who is not in Dazed and Confused. That’s Jason. He’s okay. This is why twins should not become actors. It’s highly confusing to all involved.
I’ll let the mildly less ethical TMZ that is Radar handle this:
London’s nearly five-hour nightmare started on the evening of June 10: allegedly, the actor was changing a tire on his vehicle near Palm Springs, Calif., when a man forcibly put him in it. Sergeant Steve Douglas told Radar that the suspect “drove (London) around in his own vehicle, while terrorizing him at gun point.” …He then told the authorities he was “forced to smoke dope and then purchase booze and hand it out in a gang area of Palm Springs.” London’s car was later found in a neighborhood in Palm Springs near his alleged kidnapper’s home.
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