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The Thirst For ICEBae Is Real. So Predictably Real

By Brian Richards | Social Media | July 19, 2019 |

By Brian Richards | Social Media | July 19, 2019 |

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Hello, ladies. Do you like being constantly reminded that men are trash? Do you like being reminded that when it comes to what men want when they’re horny and what they’re willing to do to get it, their standards are so low they’d probably f**k a used ashtray from the set of Barney Miller if they could? Do you like being reminded that there are too many men who don’t give a damn about the world that they inhabit, as long as they get all of the (cat sound) that they want and that they feel they’re entitled to have?

If the answers to any of those questions are, “What is the goddamn point of these questions you’re asking us?” here is your answer.

By now, unless you’ve been spending all of your days watching Meghan McCain spew all kinds of infuriating sh*t on The View every morning and then spending your nights writing erotic fanfic about how you’d screw all of the gay out of that incredibly talented and charismatic soccer player who just won the World Cup and has never been shy when expressing her demands for equal pay and how she can’t stand the 45th President arrogant loudmouth Megan Rapinoe, you’re fully aware of the detention centers/concentration camps/unspeakable hellholes where at least 600,000 migrants are being held in captivity and also where all hope is practically abandoned. You’re aware of the over 600,000 people being held there in captivity and in conditions that would make most people flip every table in sight and bawl in their pillow for hours if these conditions involved animals and if footage of animals in these conditions appeared on their television screens set to the music of “Angel” by Sarah McLachlan, but because these conditions involve thousands of brown people who speak Spanish, they instead find themselves humming the chorus of “Cell Block Tango” from Chicago. You’ve read about politicians such as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez who have gone to visit these places, to see these conditions for themselves, and to witness the callous and vicious behavior shown towards these prisoners by the Border Patrol agents who have been assigned to stand guard over them, and whose behavior usually comes in the form of laughter and mockery and just utter cruelty.

But if you think that everyone despises these Border Patrol agents for who they are and what they choose to do with little to no reluctance or hesitation, guess again. Because earlier this week, one of those Border Patrol agents caught the attention of several men on Twitter who couldn’t help but find her attractive. So much so that they’re willing to ignore what she does for a living just like how she ignores the pleas of the men, women, and children torn away from their jobs, homes, and families who want nothing more than to be released and go back to living their lives. So attractive that they even gave this Border Patrol agent, whose real name is Kiara Cervantes, the oh-so-adorable nickname “IceBae.”

And here are just a few of the tweets from men showing how much they appreciate Kiara, and how much they appreciate the job she’s doing to keep this country safe. And also how much they’d like to make her cheeks clap like a Trump supporter at one of his rallies.

Of course, with Twitter being Twitter, it didn’t take very long for Kiara to take notice of all the attention and Twitter follows she was getting from her many male admirers, to enjoy all of the attention that she’s currently getting, and for her to respond to said admirers about how proud she is of her work..

It also didn’t take long for men to get defensive about their attraction towards Kiara and to call women out on social media for their supposed hypocrisy.

And for both men and women on Twitter to express their utter contempt towards Kiara as well.

So if you’re a woman out there who is single and looking for someone to be with and whose company you truly enjoy, and you’re wondering what more you can possibly do to gain the attention and affection of a man who will give you exactly what you’re looking for instead of gaining the attention of a man whose idea of being affectionate is slapping you in the face with his penis without permission during sex, don’t bother signing up for dating apps. Sign up for the United States Border Patrol instead, and do your part in making sure that children are not just taken away from their parents to possibly never see them again or even recognize them if and when they do see them again, but also see to it that you use these children to re-enact Sophie’s Choice. Do that, and you’ll have all kinds of f**kboys sliding into your mentions in no time.

And if that doesn’t work, you can always go to a bagel shop in Long Island and strike up a conversation with one of the men in line next to you, and hope that he’s actually a racist and misogynist with severe anger issues.

Either way…

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