There's Not Enough Bleach In the World to Erase The 'TMNT' Porn Parody From Your Brain

If you’ve been looking at the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboots of the last few years and thinking that franchise couldn’t hit a rockier bottom, then surprise! You were wrong. Because the eternally cruel folks over at WoodRocket (the people behind every H. Jon Benjamin porn parody) took what Rebecca deemed “the single worst movie moment from the last five years“—

Jem may be bad, but it's not Michelangelo telling April he gives her a turtle-boner bad.

— Rebecca Pahle (@RebeccaPahle) October 25, 2015

And decided to extend that into a full porn parody. It was only a matter of time, I suppose. The story of “a horny dude who worked at the nuclear power plant” who let his “radioactive sperm” spill into the sewer, thereby causing four turtles to grow (“especially their lower shell area”), is too terrible to not have eventually been thought up and put out into the world.

The trailer for Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles (I know) isn’t totally NSFW— there’s no sex, but there’s a good deal of sexual profanity, and maybe more importantly, a lot of really terrible puns that you might not want anyone (including yourself) to hear. Puns like:

—“Heroes in a cock swell”
—“Ninjutsukaki”
—“Cumabunga”
—“50 Shades of Green”

Oh, and our heroes (Michelangeblow, Dongatello, Raphallus and— wait, what’s Leonardo’s name??) are joined by Master Spreader (Of the Footjob Clan), Master Sphincter, Casey Bones.

Get the brain bleach. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

H/T Uproxx.