Please Oh Please Oh Please Let This Story About Sean Hannity Be True
There have been a lot of amazing moments to come out of the first two days of the DNC: Michelle Obama’s speech, to be sure; Bill Clinton’s retelling of his own personal classic rom-com, for another. But the single best story set against the convention backdrop is one that is totally unconfirmed, and possibly/probably/almost definitely made up. But oh wow will your day be made brighter if we choose to believe it’s true.
Now, we don’t love reveling in the embarrassment of others (okay, yes, sometimes we really do), but just to clear your mind of any guilt here, this story is about Sean Hannity. Sean Hannity, who has made a VERY lucrative, fame-spiraling career out of saying pretty much nothing but privileged, destructive, obtuse bullshit. For example:
There are countless more examples of Hannity’s projectile word vomit, but that’s enough to get you not feeling bad about laughing at this man’s horribleness, right? Especially because this story isn’t really about anything that happened TO him— it’s all about what he does and who he is. It’s comeuppance for a man who loves to proclaim loudly that he’s being held down, without ever taking a step back to realize that he is the source of basically everything wrong with the world.
With that primer to absolve you of any schadenfreudic guilt, here is the single greatest story of the last few days, as retold on Twitter.
You know when you usually go to a Wawa (7/11, Royal Farms etc) nobody is really paying attention to you. Pay for your gas and go!— Emo 1 Guy (@EmoNegro1) July 26, 2016
Well, my source says Sean Hannity came up in the Wawa, cut everybody in the line & demanded they make him a cheesesteak hoagie. NOW.— Emo 1 Guy (@EmoNegro1) July 26, 2016
This WaWa is in downtown Philly so you might have business people, you might have crackheads, you might have tourists. A mix.— Emo 1 Guy (@EmoNegro1) July 26, 2016
But most people act right, according to my source. And they stand in line and wait their turn. Not Sean Hannity!— Emo 1 Guy (@EmoNegro1) July 26, 2016
So Sean Hannity cuts everybody in liine & starts demanding they fix him a cheesesteak hoagie RIGHT NOW & people weren't happy!— Emo 1 Guy (@EmoNegro1) July 26, 2016
Hannity told him he was in a hurry, he had a very important job to get back to & to let Tanikqua fix his sandwich so he can get back to work— Emo 1 Guy (@EmoNegro1) July 26, 2016
The Wawa worker's name was Ashley.— Emo 1 Guy (@EmoNegro1) July 26, 2016
Ashley told Hannity, sir my name is ASHLEY and he had to order his hoagie from the computer station & his number would be called when ready.— Emo 1 Guy (@EmoNegro1) July 26, 2016
The black guy in line said "What you not gone do is disrespect people up in here & what you not gone do is cut people in this line."— Emo 1 Guy (@EmoNegro1) July 26, 2016
So Hannity said "You sound like a Black Lives Matter guy, are you a Black Lives Matter guy? Are you from Ferguson? Are you from Baltimore?"— Emo 1 Guy (@EmoNegro1) July 26, 2016
That's when everybody head turned around. One lady said "Hey what does Black Lives Matter have to do with you cutting in the line?"— Emo 1 Guy (@EmoNegro1) July 26, 2016
Hannity said "This is the culture of lawlessness the Obamas & Black Lives Matter have taught you people."— Emo 1 Guy (@EmoNegro1) July 26, 2016
That's when it was on. One lady said "You people?" while somebody else said "Put some respeck on Barack name"— Emo 1 Guy (@EmoNegro1) July 26, 2016
And Hannity was hollering for the manager, but sadly for him the manager on duty was black and told Hannity to leave.— Emo 1 Guy (@EmoNegro1) July 26, 2016
No white people in the Wawa came to Hannity's defense, either. They all just looked away. They weren't trying to have their ass beat!— Emo 1 Guy (@EmoNegro1) July 26, 2016
The people started booing Hannity & telling him to get the fuck outta there.— Emo 1 Guy (@EmoNegro1) July 26, 2016
Hannity told them "Do you know who I am? I'm Sean Hannity!" Well that didn't help matters any!— Emo 1 Guy (@EmoNegro1) July 26, 2016
The manager told Hannity he needed to leave before he called the police & Hannity said Oh NOW you people want to call the police!— Emo 1 Guy (@EmoNegro1) July 26, 2016
My source says the manager gave Hannity a look like "You Tried It!" and hustled him out of the door!— Emo 1 Guy (@EmoNegro1) July 26, 2016
And that's the story of how Sean Hannity got ran up out of the Wawa in downtown Philly!— Emo 1 Guy (@EmoNegro1) July 26, 2016
Is this story true? I don’t know. Probably not. E. Mo Black (now “Emo 1 Guy,” inspired by Hannity clearly not wanting to write the word “Negro” when refuting this story) has “satirist” in his Twitter bio. (Although, his commentary through the DNC has been nothing but sharp and on-point.) Hannity WAS at that WaWa that night:
And he had an altercation with SOMEONE (while ordering a meatball sub)
LIE. One customer who seemed to be having a really rough night met me and my bodyguards, he shut up very fast. Lol https://t.co/U3w39t0geV— Sean Hannity (@seanhannity) July 26, 2016
Emo 1 guy, screaming at me as I was walking out!! That's it my friend, I ordered my meatballs and left in peace! https://t.co/dMfdi9i4lX— Sean Hannity (@seanhannity) July 27, 2016
So maybe the story is totally fabricated. But you know what that makes it? Really fantastic fanfic. The best fan fiction comes in stories that are made up by people who know the characters so well that the stories could fit seamlessly into their canon. And oh boy, does this sound like a story that COULD be true, as starring Hannity. So I’m going to file this away in my brain as— even if not factual— the greatest story ever told about one of the world’s worst people.
- What if 'Independence Day' with Will Smith is a Warning?
- With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility: Voting for the Pajiba 10 Begins Now
- The 10 Best Movies Of 2019 So Far
- Meghan McCain Wants to Quit 'The View' (WHY, GOD?!)
- 'Yesterday' Is A Love Letter To East Anglia