Old School. Biblically Independent.
By Dustin Rowles | TV | August 7, 2025
South Park returns after a one-week hiatus, and as promised, the episode takes aim at ICE. Mr. Mackey is fired as school counselor because the government is cutting unnecessary expenses, and the only counselor the kids need now is Jesus. He’s recruited to ICE, which has zero standards and lots of perks: “We don’t ask for experience, just show up,” goes the ICE marketing jingle. “We don’t care if you’ve read a book or grown up. If you’re crazy or fat and lazy. We don’t care at all! If you need a job, it’s a job … to have!”
Kristi Noem runs the orientation video and begins, “A few years ago, I had to put my puppy down by shooting it in the face because doing what’s important is doing what’s hard.” Then she repeatedly shoots puppies to death. And that’s the entire video. “Now, please step through to your first raid.”
The first raid is a *Dora the Explorer* concert … where Noem shoots another puppy. Then Noem’s face melts off because her Botox wears off.
Elsewhere, a liberal protester insists that there are “many, many Latinos in Heaven,” so ICE conducts a raid in Heaven. “Remember, only detain the brown one,” Noem says. “If it’s brown, it goes down.” And then she shoots another puppy. “NO more brownies in Heaven.”
Mackey is so (reluctantly) good at rounding up Mexicans that he’s rewarded with a trip to Mar-a-Lago, which is a Fantasy Island parody with JD Vance in the role of Tattoo. Mackey is offered the position of “the new face of Homeland Security” because Noem’s face freaks the President out. But when Mackey meets Satan, he freaks out and starts opening doors in Mar-a-Lago, only to find old men being massaged by young girls — including Dora the Explorer.
There, he also encounters Clyde, who has become an effective right-wing podcaster by taking over Cartman’s “master debater” schtick — much to Cartman’s chagrin (Cartman spends the episode “master debating” with college girls). Mackey counsels Clyde and reaffirms his desire to return as the school counselor. They decide to escape, and Superman’s Krypto arrives to rescue him — but Kristi Noem shoots him, too.
Nevertheless, Mackey, Clyde, and Dora escape, and as the credits roll, Noem — whose face repeatedly escapes her body throughout the episode — enters a dog salon and opens fire.
These guys are not subtle. Kristi Noem shoots puppies; ICE has zero standards for applicants and arrests innocent people; Mar-a-Lago is staffed by young girls who give old men massages; and Trump and JD Vance hang out with Satan, who himself seems appalled by what they’re doing. Sounds about right.
