Instead of the 'The Crown,' Watch These Docuseries About Scandalous European Aristocrats

By Alberto Cox Délano | TV | December 28, 2023 |

By Alberto Cox Délano | TV | December 28, 2023 |

Well, that was a bust. Over the last two seasons, The Crown went from a true 20th Century Epic Melodrama to a gloomy, boring and trite show about some very small people pretending to be something bigger than themselves. And then came season six, which straight-up sucked, but not so much as Peter Morgan sucked the Monarchy’s [OVERLORDS: ALBERTO! NO!].

It’s not just that Morgan omitted relevant episodes in recent British History, like the Good Friday Agreement (Tory Blair’s one single achievement), The Beatles, and 60s-70s counterculture, or the strikes of the 80s. The problem is that he was too cowardly to even deliver on the many, many, many, many JUICY scandals the Crown has gotten itself tangled in. Always coyly alluding to Philip’s affairs, glossing over Andrew’s fuckedupness, and he made Charles look like a daddy by casting Dominic West. Instead, all we got were two interminable episodes of “When Willy Met Katie,” which made me say, “Her?” Arrested Development-style multiple times.

So instead of wasting your time watching something that those Lifetime movies about the Royals could do better, let’s instead cross the Channel and check out what’s going on in the Continent, where most countries had the good sense to either get rid of their monarchies or just limit them to cutesy, hygge “bicycle monarchies” (one of those very-British insults that, this time, fails and becomes a compliment). Unfortunately, you can’t just get rid of centuries of generational privilege like that, so they do have an even bigger crowd of aristocrats getting into shit.

And boy, do Continentals Aristocrats know how to get into shit. Their scandals are *chef-kisses* perfection. And not British *chef-kisses*, which usually is a way to say “I managed to cook a non-toxic stew”, but *chef-kisses* by people that actually know how to cook. Yes, even the Germans. Nevertheless, Continental Aristocrats are placed in a more awkward position than their British cousins because even though they are well-shielded from consequences by their privilege, the plebs in Continental Europe are much less forgiving than the average Brit.

So, allow me to present you with three docuseries, all of them three episodes long, about some of the worst things Continental Aristos have done, all of which you can devour in one or two afternoons of Holiday food coma. They are shocking, they are juicy, they are not censored by injunctions and they involve people who are substantially sexier than the dour British Aristocrats.

The King Who Never Was

Available on Netflix, and directed by none other than Beatrice Borromeo … Oh, I need to explain that..? OK, so Beatrice Borromeo is an Italian journalist who has specialized in investigative reporting of the Mafia. She is also a member of the House of Borromeo and is currently married to Pierre Casiraghi, grandson of Grace Kelly and member of the royal family of a money-laundering strip of land. Perhaps to compensate for that, this documentary focuses on the lurid life and crimes of the last Royal Prince of Italy, Vittorio Emanuele, Prince of Naples and Duke of Savoy.

See, in one of very few times they have made the right choice, Italians voted to become a Republic in 1946, which meant that the fascist-enabling King Umberto II and Vittorio, then only nine, would have to go into a gilded exile, ironically in republics such as France or Switzerland.

Cut to the summer of 1978, when a group of young and attractive Italians were having fun visiting the French island of Cavallo, just off the south of Corsica, where Vittorio had a holiday home. After someone took his dinghy, he went out at night with a rifle and shot up the boat where the Italians were sleeping, wounding and eventually killing a young man, one Dirk Hamer. The documentary takes off from there, exploring his shady links and all the ways he managed to escape accountability for his actions while reminding us of the humanity of his victim via the words of his sister, Birgit Hamer. But when it comes to the scandal, this docuseries includes: Vittorio’s links to a far-right masonic order, the mafia, weapons trafficking, corruption within Italy, corruption within France’s judicial system, a strike by prison guards, threats, witness tampering, quack-medicine and Vittorio snitching on himself several times. It’s available on Netflix. Could’ve gone for longer.

The Billionaire, the Butler, and the Boyfriend

Republic have their own Aristocracies, too, and the Example of the Modern Republic, France, pretty much re-defined the notion of what Aristocracy means in a Republic. This definition usually means “Ownership over a Major Economic Sector.”

This docuseries’ title can be summed up in two words: “L’affair Bettencourt, which is actually three if you count the article. The Bettencourt Affair is one of the biggest political and business scandals in the recent history of France, one with Succession-level stakes combined with Westerosi palatial intrigues and just a tiny dash of Mommy Dearest. Liliane Bettencourt, the sole heir to the founder of the L’Oreal group and main shareholder, was the richest woman in the World for a long time, with a net worth of around $45 Billion. And she was a shitty old lady, daughter to a shitty, fascist man and married to a shitty, fascist husband. Shitty old ladies tend to end up alienating their relatives, in this case, her only daughter Françoise; and in a country like France, where direct descendants have priority over inheritances, they also end up lonely and vulnerable as their relatives wait for them to die.

And lonely and vulnerable is how one François-Marie Banier came in touch with her. A photographer and consummate social climber, he managed to wrap his tentacles around Liliane, becoming his confidant, assistant, executor, and bridge troll to access her. As payment for his services, he might have received up to 1.4 Billion Euros in various gifts, including artworks by Monet and Picasso. Flying too close to the sun, Banier tried to make himself the sole heir to Bettencourt’s fortune, resulting in a lawsuit by Liliane’s daughter and grandsons. The scandal would eventually reveal her illegal funding of French right-wing politicians, including former president and convicted felon Nikolas Sarkozy.

I cannot tell you more about it because I would have to do it in Stefon’s voice, and I am not that good. It’s also available on Netflix.

Saving the King

I’m double-dipping here because I’ve already written about this docuseries before. But if you’re going to discuss scandals by European Aristocrats, you can’t leave aside the messiest yet most powerful Continental Monarchy: Spain, the House of Bourbon, and former King Juan Carlos I.

What can you say about a guy who was chosen and groomed by Francisco Franco as the heir to the throne, mostly because he was the only healthy one of his cousins? Who came of age by accidentally shooting his younger brother? Whose fortune was never fully accounted for? Who had way too many close links to the Gulf’s Petromonarchies? Who was a well-known philanderer, but only got exposed after taking a selfie with his lover in front of a dead elephant he poached?

But perhaps the most shocking reveal of this documentary series is that during the failed coup of February 1981, King Juan Carlos I was less a hero of democracy and more someone who had some knowledge of the operation and took a “wait and see” approach.

Saving the King is available on HBO MAX, or MAX or whichever name David Zazlav chooses for it next year.

I was going to finish with a comment about how the French had the right idea about what to do with Royals and Aristocrats, but with the whole Bettencourt affair, perhaps we just need to be thankful that at least these scandals get reported.