In dubious honor of the upcoming American Reunion — which follows two American Pie sequels (American Pie 2 and American Wedding) as well as four entires in the direct-to-DVD spin-off market — this installment of the franchise has prepared itself for release in grand style with a red carpet premiere that seems like an illustration of what happens when a semi-promising young cast indulges within varying degrees of substance abuse, head-shaving, and the hiring of prostitutes.
So let us celebrate as well. Here are the highlights of the movie’s major players and a brief reflection upon what each one of them has been doing since the the original movie was released in 1999. In most cases, these accounts are neither lengthy nor notable. So let’s just start off with the guy who fucked the pie, shall we?
Jason Biggs (as Jim Levinstein): He’s done several terrible romcoms like My Best Friend’s Girl and Over Her Dead Body plus a bunch of one-off appearances in various sitcoms and a season of “Mad Love.” Someone also let him do one episode of “The Good Wife.”
His Next Move: Biggs and his wife, Jenny Mollen, will pitch a reality series based upon that time they hired a whore.
Mena Suvari (as Heather): She seemed like a sure thing after starring alongside Kevin Spacey in American Beauty, but then Suvari decided she’d had enough of being a pretty chick. She shaved her head; uglied herself up for subsequent roles in Spun, Factory Girl, and The Mysteries of Pittsburgh; and basically became an eccentric to no effect.
Her Next Move: Some Hollywood exec will eventually have the bright idea of attempting to engineer a comeback by revisiting her Beauty character.
Seann William Scott (as Steve Stifler): He’s done a lot of stuff — Dude, Where’s My Car?, The Dukes of Hazzard, Mr. Woodcock, Cop Out, and the Ice Age movies — none of it very good at all.
His Next Move: Something called Coxblocker, and I don’t even want to know what that means.
Jennifer Coolidge (as Stifler’s Mom): She’s continued her trek through a mediocre character actress career arc with the Legally Blonde movies as well as Zoolander and Date Movie. She’s also found lots of television work including stints on “The Secret Life of the American Teenager,” “Nip/Tuck,” and “2 Broke Girls.”
Her Next Move: Since Coolidge is utterly recognizable and impossible to disguise, her prospects are limited, but she’s found steady work thus far and will continue to do so.
Chris Klein (as Chris “Oz” Ostreicher): Sadly, this guy slid into alcoholism that was (also sadly) accompanied by two DUIs and a stint in jail. Career wise, he’s done several movies that you’ve never seen including the unintentionally hilarious Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li.
His Next Move: Klein will go on to be a spokesperson for Hair Club for Men.
Tara Reid (as Vicky): She was supposed to be the next Meg Ryan or something. Instead, Tara ended up exposing herself as a terrible actress who dabbled in subpar liposuction and still continues to do dumb things like partying until her tooth falls out. Her career highlights (if you can call them that) include Josie and the Pussycats, Van Wilder, and playing, like, a really smart character in a Uwe Boll movie (Alone in the Dark).
Her Next Move: Tara will eventually be absorbed as part of the Jedward Twins. To quote Bill Murray’s character from The Razor’s Edge, “[S]he will not be missed.”
Eugene Levy (as Jim’s Dad): Unsurprisingly, he’s starred in every one of the American Pie spin-off movies and also counts The Ladies Man, Bringing Down the House, and Night of the Museum 2 among his cinematic achievements.
His Next Move: Without being too cruel, let’s just say that Levy’s future includes a great amount of voice work.
Natasha Lyonne (as Jessica): She had a pretty rough road (after brief continued success alongside Ryan Reynolds’ abs in Blade: Trinity) and stumbled into heroin addiction that was extensively documented by Gawker in gory detail that culminated in a collapsed lung and threats of dog molestation. I sort of blame Party Monster.
Her Next Move: Lyonne was at one time a very talented actress and deserves to make a comeback. Her recent episode of “New Girl” seems like a promising start, right?
Thomas Ian Nicholas (as Kevin Myers): He’s perhaps the least recognizable main player of the original cast and went on to do some “Party of Five” episodes along with L.A. D.J. and Please Give. Snore.
His Next Move: Maybe Nicholas would get a really bitchin’ face tattoo, which is the only thing he could possibly do to gain anyone’s attention.
Shannon Elizabeth (as Nadia, the foreign exchange student): For a little while, she managed to carve out a living as “the hot chick” in stuff like Scary Movie and several episodes of “That ’70s Show” and “Cuts.” Nowadays? No one cares.
Her Next Move: Elizabeth will eventually reprise her role as Justice in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back … Again, which will happen one day after Kevin Smith inevitably runs out of money and gets tired of making hockey movies.
Alyson Hannigan (as Michelle, a.k.a. “Band Camp Girl”): She remains the object of many a geeky man’s affections and has enjoyed much television success including several seasons of both “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “How I Met Your Mother.”
Her Next Move: The small screen shall continue to be Hannigan’s oyster.
So who’s the winner of the gang? Don’t make me articulate it, mates.
Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at Celebitchy.