Mad Max: Fury Road is the best movie of the year, hands down. There are those who disagree, of course. But then some people hate chocolate and love cauliflower, so there is no accounting for the variety of human incomprehensibility.
What is most incomprehensible is that Fury Road didn’t even win the box office the weekend it came out. Because we are a disgrace as a nation and no amount of chrome win us through the gates of Valhalla. This list is ten of the number one films of the year, along with how that film would have changed if it had been made by George Miller in the world of Mad Max.
1. The Hobbit: Battle of CGI Masturbation
On the first day, Miller would smash all the computers rendering crap. Then the dragon would win, would eat all the dwarves, and the people of Laketown would ride into the wasteland to fight orcs. They’d all die and Bilbo would be the lone survivor, wandering the wastes with his invisibility ring and madness.
2. Taken 3
“I have a very particular set of skills saving useless women-“
Liam Neeson is run over by Furiosa in a murder tank.
“We’re not your property!”
3. American Sniper
So much unironic chrome.
4. Sponge Bob
This movie would be completely unchanged.
5. Fifty Shades of Grey
The entire original storyline takes place entirely in an inner sanctum of the harem. Then Furiosa hangs Grey with his own sex swing and throws Bella-Stand-In into the War Rig with the other escapees and tells them to teach Anastasia how to grow a fucking backbone.
Chappie rides shotgun in the War Rig and teaches Max how to love again. Also, Chappie is worshipped by the warboys because he is literally already completely chromed. They think he is an angel warrior from Valhalla.
Fed up with her evil stepmother, Furioseralla firebombs her home, and then takes the harem to the ball. She then kneecaps Prince Charming and ascends the throne herself.
The divergent insurgents venture beyond the wall that protects them from the post-apocalyptic wasteland. They are all killed by the two-headed gecko in the opening scene of Fury Road.
9. Furious 7
This movie is exactly 16 minutes long as the crew airdrops in their cars in the opening scene, and is systematically ambushed by war boys.
10. Pitch Perfect 2
It turns out that Furiosa actually only rescued half the harem, because she couldn’t stand the ones that sang. But once Furiosa returns triumphant, it’s AWKWARD. Hijinks ensue. And by hijinks, I mean everyone dies.