When I heard that Tom Cruise’s hirsute and bechubbed Tropic Thunder character was getting his own film I just snorted and rolled my eyes and muttered something like, “Of course he is.” But when I read via Film School Rejects that a script has been completed by one of the Scott Pilgrim vs. The World writers, my eye rolls turned to daggers. Did Cruise’s Les Grossman make me laugh? Sure, why not. Does he deserve his own movie? No way. Should someone who is obviously talented (Scott Pilgrim was one of my favorite films of last year, haters) waste his time writing Diet Coke and iPhone jokes? No. F*cking. Way. Here are some recent supporting characters I’d rather he wrote a script for. Speaking of Scott Pilgrim, let’s start with:
Kim Pine—“Scott Pilgrim vs. The World”
Why? She’s ten times bossier than Les Grossman.
Proposed Title: I Am Sex Bob-Omb
Arthur and Eames—“Inception”
Why? They look better in vests.
Proposed Title: Dare to Dream
Rosemary and Dill Pendergast—“Easy A”
Why? Think of all the untapped herb jokes. No, seriously, think of some. I couldn’t.
Proposed Title: “T” Is For Tallywacker
Dan and Box—“Going The Distance”
Why? Did you see the movie? You didn’t, did you? Just skip through to all of the Sudeikis/Day scenes. Trust me.
Proposed Title: Must Be This Tall To Ride This Moustache
Proposed Prequel Title: The Loom of Destiny: Destiny Looms
Pavel Andreievich Chekov and Hikaru Sulu—“Star Trek”
Why? We need more yellow in our lives. What? I’m talking about their Federation shirts. Racists.
Proposed Title: “V” Is For Wictory
The Pale Man—“Pan’s Labyrinth”
Why? Because my nightmares aren’t nightmarish enough.
Proposed Title: Eye See You
Why? He shows more range of emotion than Grossman ever could.
Proposed Title: GERT-E
Bianca—“Lars and the Real Girl”
Why? Her breasts are more life-like than Grossman’s.
Proposed Title: They’re Real and They’re Spectacular
That Cattle Gun—“No Country For Old Men”
Why? Tell me you didn’t light up every time it was on screen.
Proposed Title: The Cattle Gunslinger
Joanna Robinson realizes she should never be in charge of naming movies.