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MCU Needs A New America's Ass And I'm Here To Make The Tough Decisions

By Jodi Smith | Lists | May 14, 2019 |

By Jodi Smith | Lists | May 14, 2019 |


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SPOILERS FOR AVENGERS: ENDGAME.

It’s no secret that Captain America’s booty has been a rallying point for the Avengers and their thirsty fans alike. In Endgame, Scott Lang finally said what the world had been thinking ever since Captain America: The First Avenger hit theaters in 2011: that’s America’s ass.

Now that Cap has grown older and passed his shield on to the next phase of the MCU, Vulture correctly asserted that a new butt must be chosen to take on the mantle of America’s ass. Although I don’t agree with most of their list and the pictures that accompanied it, I do agree that there is hard work to be done and I am up for the challenge.

My list takes into account the acquisition of Deadpool into the MCU with Disney’s purchase of Fox, so you may be thinking that the list is just one entry. No! I am multi-layered, like that weird trifle Rachel made for Thanksgiving on Friends, ready to surprise you with meaty sweetness and stomach cramps. Without further ado, my finalists to take on the heady title of Avenger with America’s Ass.

Deadpool

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I said he wasn’t the only one on the list, not that he wouldn’t be on it. I’ve already written about Wade Wilson’s wibble-wobble in previous posts.

Deadpool’s ass is wonderful and tight, probably pockmarked with cancerous lesions like the rest of his banging body, but still a very, very nice ass. It is just poured into that bodysuit that probably smells like cheese doodles and blood, but we aren’t talking about that right now.

And don’t come at me with that “he’s from Canada” shizz. This is my list. MAKE YOUR OWN.

Captain Marvel

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She’s the most powerful being currently in the MCU and her shapely buttocks are no exception.

Ant-Man and The Wasp

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Sometimes you have to share things with someone else because of the burden. This is the case with Ant-Man and the Wasp. Of course, Cap could carry the booty banner on his shapely legs alone. He’s a super soldier! TEAM WORK! BUTT WORK! UNITED STATES OF HINDER!

Thor

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Technically Asgardian, Thor’s adopted country is obviously America. This is why his ass is on this list. It’s a very good list. Full of freedom and fannies.

Spider-Man

Yes, he is 15-years-old in the movies, but Tom Holland is 22. The character has time to grow into his title as America’s Ass just as long as Sony doesn’t screw up by pulling him back into their Marvel-free movies.

It’s a close race, but I think the new bottom of the MCU should be Thor. He’s earned this, people. With every fiber in his fantastic body, he has earned this honor.

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Jodi Smith is the Associate Trade News Editor at Pajiba. You can email her or follow her on Twitter.


Image sources (in order of posting): Marvel, FOX, Paramount


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