It was announced yesterday that Ryan Gosling will star in Guillermo del Toro’s not-for-kids Haunted Mansion movie. Yes, Baby Goose, former Baby Mouseketeer, has come full circle back to Disney. Though, while I love me some Gosling, and I really love me pretty much anything Disneyland-related, I have to say… Haunted Mansion? Really? I’m not just skeptical because it’s only been 12 short years since Eddie Murphy tried to ruin that would-be franchise.
No, that’s fine. Don’t stop trying to ruin that even more. My hesitancy only comes from my curiosity as to why we don’t give in and ruin everything. As we’ve established previously though the use of truly terrible photoshopping, the specific reasons why many of you out there are are Gosling detractors (philistines) are the qualities that make him so well suited to be cast in any movie ever made, ever for the rest of time. His beautiful, expressionless face is perfectly suited to any franchise, so why not mount them all? Just a few suggestions for other options, if we feel we’ve truly run out of 80s movies, board games, and food products to turn into movies, and must now turn to (even more) Disneyland rides to cinematize.
Now, right off the bat, let’s get Space Mountain out of the way. We’d all love this movie, right? But George Clooney has dibs on all of Tomorrowland, so we’ll stay out of there entirely.
Indiana Jones: The Movie Based on the Ride Based on the Movie
It’ll be terrible. And a huge fucking hit. Upsettingly huge.
The story of one attractive young man forced tell the same jokes on a loop for all of eternity. It’s basically every Twilight Zone episode, extended to 100 minutes.
The bane of my season pass-holding existence is that every time I go to Disneyland, the Matterhorn is shut down for maintenance. From now on I’m going to assume that that’s because the yeti, as played by Ryan Gosling, has broken loose from his confines and is running amok, terrorizing guests.
Just one cool guy (and maybe his four cool clones/quintuplets/time-traveling selves?) on a mission to nail that ultra-casual drop photo.
Ryan Gosling = Lyle Lanley. This is the role he was born to play, people.
Vivian Kane’s ring came off her pudding can. GOOD THING RYAN GOSLING IS THERE TO HELP.