We’re still not over the desperately pandering decision to rename foreign-owned Budweiser “America.” It’s maybe the stupidest marketing nonsense ever. Like, actual ever, not the hyperbolic ‘ever’ I throw around here all the ever. You know what’s more American than drinking that swill? Lots of stuff. Like:
Haagen Dazs is giving out free ice cream today. I don’t know how it will make you feel more American, but it has to do at least as good a job as some renamed bottled sewage water. Plus, it’s ice cream.
Celebrate our New National Mammal
The bison is the new official American National Mammal. Pictured here in statue form being humped by a big moose. ‘Murica.
We’re a bit late to this one, but Tuesday, May 10th was the official Whacking Day. No one here (OBVIOUSLY, OKAY?) advocates actual killing of actual snakes, but in theory, and in cartoon form, this Simpsons holiday based on a real holiday from Texas is maybe the most American day imaginable.
Use a Bathroom
The Department of Justice has filed a lawsuit against North Carolina in response to the state’s attempts to keep trans people relegated to the restroom that matches the gender on their birth certificate. In regard to this blatant discrimination, Attorney General Loretta Lynch declared to the state’s and the entire country’s transgender community on behalf of the DOJ and the entire Obama administration, “We see you; we stand with you; and we will do everything we can to protect you going forward.” So go use the bathroom that matches your gender identity. It’s fucking American.
Build a Deadpool Statue
I’m sorry, are we going to let Japan be the biggest Deadpool fans? Of course not. But they built this giant sexy Deadpool statue, and now you have go out there and do your ‘Merican duty by building an even bigger, even sexier statue to drive around your hometown.
Listen to Nickelback
An I’m sure very scientific poll recently revealed that Americans, in general, prefer a lot of things to Donald Trump. Things we prefer to Trump: lice, root canals, jury duty, Nickelback, hipsters… We apparently do not prefer cockroaches or hemorrhoids to Trump. So go out there and listen to some Nickelback. If my understanding of science and America is correct, it’s as good as a vote.
Go Fight Some Aliens
Or be tricked by a marketing campaign into joining the army. They’re both equally ‘Murican, I think.
This is maybe literally the most American thing you can do. Anything. Listen to the soundtrack, go down a YouTube rabbit hole, anything. Here. Here’s
Daveed Diggs Thomas Jefferson saying a bunch of words real fast.