Oh, Arnie. I know you think there’s some Justin Lin as the director? Didn’t we try this when producers handed Terminator: Salvation over to McG, who deserves some kind of medal, say a hand grenade, for finding a way to be so inept he is best compared to Bret “insert expletive” Ratner.
Screw it, let’s go ahead and do another one. But first, here are 5 bloated corpses I’d rather give a mouth-to-mouth revival to before The Terminator.
1) Easy Rider 2: Wildest Hogs Drive Angrier 3-D
Wyatt (Peter Fonda) returns from Hell, towing behind him George’s (Jack Nicholson) upper torso in a bloody sleeping bag. The pair proceeds to indulge in a magically never-ending bag of Mary Jane, save Mardi Gras from The Man, and replace the local police with Steppenwolf. But when another group of bikers try to roll on through, Wyatt brutally beats Martin Lawrence, John Travolta, and Tim Allen with a lead pipe. Bill Macy atones for his sin and we remember he’s an alright guy and pretty good actor.
Defining Moment: The dispersing of Dennis Hopper’s ashes into a twelve-foot pile of hookers, liquor bottles, and cocaine. Also, each movie comes with a hit of acid instead of a ticket stub.
2) Buckaroo Banzai Against the World Crime League
Peter Weller is the man. A man for all times. He dwells in the light-hewn pantheon of modern renaissance men. Charismatic Actor. Enlightened Scholar. Robocop. We need to bring back Buckaroo Banzai, we need an idol that is equal parts Han Solo and Rock n’ Roll Light Show. Oh, they’ll green light Clash of the Titans 2, but we don’t get another dose of Buckaroo. With, of course, John Lithgow allowed to act however stark-raving insane he so wishes.
Defining Moment: Taking a quick detour, Buckaroo and the Hong Kong Cavaliers do a show in the first ten minutes of Avatar 2, and distract us until the good parts, when Jim Cameron makes things go “BOOM”!
3) Cobra 2: Snake on a Plane
The original Cobra was a typhoon of 80’s stereotypes that got stuck in a tanning bed with Sylvester Stallone, melting into his skin with aloe vera and bronzer. Renegade cop. Gag-inducing one-liners. Sexy modeling montage. A montage that unfortunately starred the “Celebreality Psychos” starting shortstop, Brigitte Nielsen.
(As Read by Don LaFontaine): “Crime is a disease…but Zombie Squad detective Marion Cobretti is the cure. His toughest run…transporting a street-smart street-walker headed to lockup…together, they must navigate a state-wide gauntlet of cutthroat murderers and thugs…led by the mysterious cult leader, “Warlock”…Stallone…Sheen…Lohan!…Cobra 2!”
4) The Four Musketeers Ride Again!
Nerdboy fodder like ninjas and airships aren’t going to fool me when the next iteration of The Three Musketeers comes out. Paul “W.T.F.” Anderson is not fooling me, either. I’m talking about bringing back the (not really) original Musketeers, with Michael York, Oliver Reed, Frank Finlay, and Richard Chamberlain. Although we should find a way to include the three men that will have played Cardinal Richelieu; Charlton Heston, Christoph Waltz, and Tim Curry.
Defining Moment: Comes when the boys drop a fuse-tapped gunpowder keg on Chris O’Donnell and Kiefer “never seen a bar he didn’t want to get kicked out of” Sutherland. Oliver Platt, however, you stay.
5) Conan the Conqueror
An actual Schwarzenegger film I wouldn’t mind seeing. The Barbarian was a camel-punching, claymore-swinging testosterone party, followed by a second film best described as “moderately entertaining”. I’m not buying Jason Mamoa, and I submit that he’d be better off playing Conan as Khal Drogo, rather than bothering to talk. Also, whatever happened to my adolescent boy-crush, Olivia d’Abo? CROM! TO HELL WIT YOU! Go back to the original formula; thunderous drum beats, ponderous silence, sexy witches, and a horse trough of HGH.
Defining Character: The film is still narrated by Mako, using clips from his run as Aku on “Samurai Jack”. He was a wise, wrinkly little Yul Brenner lookalike, with touches of Gandalf and Master Oogway.