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The Three Musketeers Trailer: All For One, And One For What The F*ck?

By TK | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (42)

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Some day, we’ll have a great modern film about the Three Musketeers. We’ve had some near-successes, and some absolute disasters. But some day, we’ll have something great.

This is not that day.

Here’s the trailer for Paul W. S. Anderson’s The Three Musketeers. The cast is pretty slick — Matthew MacFadyen, Luke Evans and Ray Stevenson as the Musketeers, Logan Lerman as the young D’Artagnan, Christoph Waltz as the villainous Cardinal Richlieu, and Milla Jovovich and Orlando Bloom (OK, mostly slick) as his evil partners in crime. It also stars Juno Temple, Mads Mikkelsen, and Til Schweiger.

And here’s the first trailer:

Yeah. So that’s pretty goddamn ridiculous. It looks like many of Anderson’s films — colorful, action-heavy, imaginative… and melodramatic and ri-goddamn-diculous. The cast looks like they’ll have some fun, but the action and set pieces remind me of blather like Jonah Hex — unrealistic, goofy and way too over the top. Which means that while it may be a light, sometimes fun movie, it’s going to be a shit adaptation of Dumas’ novel. And that dialogue… oof. Oh well. It’s nice to see Matthew MacFadyen getting work (I’m a recent “Spooks” convert), I suppose. Honestly, Orlando Bloom (and seriously, we need to talk about that hair) aside, I love everyone in the film. I just fear that they’ll be wasted here.









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Comments

I want to see this film, even before I learned my friend is, as she put it, "shtupping the screenwriter."

Posted by: duckandcover at March 28, 2011 11:04 AM

...colorful, action-heavy, imaginative… and melodramatic and ri-goddamn-diculous.

I just watched Anderson's D.O.A. with Jaime Pressley and Devon Aoki this weekend. This is a perfect description of that movie, too.

Posted by: Meander at March 28, 2011 11:14 AM

I don't know. I don't think I like the anachronistic weapons and martial arts moves, but I'm not sure this could be exciting without that stuff. (I'll admit, I'm not a big fan of that era of history, partly because the weapons were so lame.)

Posted by: Todd at March 28, 2011 11:22 AM

'Say goodbye to your campy Musketeer balls' - Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz.

The best moment not in this film.

Posted by: zeke the pig at March 28, 2011 11:23 AM

Orlando Bloom (and seriously, we need to talk about that hair)

Oh, we really, really do. Are we "re-imagining" hairstyling via The Jersey Shore, now? COME ON.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at March 28, 2011 11:25 AM

So. It's called "The Three Musketeers", but it has absolutely nothing to do with The Three Musketeers.

Fuck this. It is way too early for this shit.

Posted by: figgy at March 28, 2011 11:27 AM

WHAT? NO.

(That's all I've got. It played on an endless loop in my head from the beginning of the trailer onwards. Some days, there is just no eloquence to be had.)

Posted by: Nat Kittyface at March 28, 2011 11:28 AM

a. Costume porn. Huzzah!

b. McFadyen has a voice of "plum-coloured velvet".

c. If I find out that they didn't do all of their own sword play, duelling and fight scenes, I shall pen a curt letter to my local constituency office and I will not mince my words.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at March 28, 2011 11:29 AM

I just want to say right now that if anybody here counts anyone other than Aramis as the best musketeer, that person is wholly wrong and needs a stern talking-to.

Posted by: Caspar at March 28, 2011 11:29 AM

Is that... is that a mullet on O. Bloom? Okay, so the period equivalent of a mullet, but damn.

And is this set in some steampunk version of the period? Something seems a bit off about, well, everything.

Also, I've worn dresses like that, and if it's not alternative history, you can't drop and slide in those without large bits of your foundations doing horrible things to your ribcage and other bits sticking straight up in the air. Sure is pretty to look at, though.

Posted by: Reba at March 28, 2011 11:30 AM

This movie will be great! Especially if you enjoy:

--Unnecessary grumbling delivery.
--Women schooled in the Pete Townsend way of the Powerslide.
--Hollywood continuing to push someone that doesn't really have any talent. Sorry Logan Lerman, but I'm not drinking the Kool-Aid.
--Borelando sighting!
--Airships. Because like all of us who've played any of the Final Fantasy series, we always wonder why you can't just take two hot air balloons and tie a deck between them.
--Technical innovations that would have revolutionized the world if they had actually been invented in that time period!
--French ninjas! What's the word for it? Ninjeuse?
--Nonsensical taglines: "For Every Legend...There Is A New Beginning...Because We've Run Out Of Original Shit To Do..."
--Asymmetrical tricorner hats and flintlock blunderbusses!

Wow, I almost sold this to myself...

Posted by: D-Day at March 28, 2011 11:34 AM

Oh duckandcover, many is the night I have dreamed that I could say I was schtupping the screenwriter. If Mr. Julien ever gets so much as a toenail in the door, we will both be yelling "SELL OUT!" at the top of our lungs as he rushes towards a pay day.

In the meantime, who needs script coverage? www.scriptguy.com Check out the testimonials. They speak for themselves.

(Was that inappropriate? My apologies, and a promise it won't happen again.)

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at March 28, 2011 11:35 AM

That trailer was like a metallic dick-fart in three dimensions.

Posted by: Kballs at March 28, 2011 11:41 AM

Has Orlando legally changed his name to Fancy Dan Bloom? Or Beau Brummell? Is he allergic to all clothes except those made of wool and linen?

Logan Lerman as the young D’Artagnan

Lerman is now... wait... 19?! "Jack and Bobby" was so very long ago.

Posted by: branded at March 28, 2011 11:47 AM

I loved Peter Hyams martial-arts infused version so I'm pretty sure I'm going to like this one, especially if Orlando Bloom gets sodomized by a cannon.

Posted by: Adam C. at March 28, 2011 11:59 AM

Holy Christ, did *that* suck.

Congratulations, Anderson, you have managed to make Disney's abomination look good.

Posted by: jthomas666 at March 28, 2011 12:02 PM

They should've brought back Chris O'Donnell.

I'M JUST SAYIN'.

Posted by: figgy at March 28, 2011 12:04 PM

Figgy, they should have brought Oliver Reed and Douglas Fairbanks back from the dead to play Athos and D'Artagnan respectively, found where Oliver Platt is to play Porthos and gotten Sir TigerBlood himself back in as Aramis.

That would have been the ultimate 3 Musketeers.

Posted by: Fredo at March 28, 2011 12:22 PM

The Three Musketeers: The story of four men who go on an adventure and fight evil primarily with swords (musket battles are over too quickly and we have 87 minutes to fill).

YAAAAAY!

Posted by: superasente at March 28, 2011 12:27 PM

And yet no one has weighed in yet mentioning Raquel Welch?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at March 28, 2011 12:31 PM

Oliver Platt was just glorious as Porthos. And I'd pay to see Tim Curry as Richelieu again.

Charlie Sheen as Aramis, though. Holy shit.

Posted by: figgy at March 28, 2011 12:37 PM

c. If I find out that they didn't do all of their own sword play, duelling and fight scenes, I shall pen a curt letter to my local constituency office and I will not mince my words.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at March 28, 2011 11:29 AM

----------

If you weren't a Mrs. already, I'd make you one now.

Posted by: zeke the pig at March 28, 2011 12:52 PM

I was going to mention Raquel Welch, but Mrs. Julien beat me to it.

Also, I thought Darth Vader was doing a Lady of the Lake thing in that opening scene. But they pretty must lost me when the airship flew over and the lady was doing a ninja kick in the air while sword fighting in a corset and petticoats. Those fuckers are heavy and don't allow you to breath, let alone move.

I lied, they lost me at "3-D."

Posted by: BWeaves at March 28, 2011 12:55 PM

If no one is going to bother to make sure that people's accents are consistent, I'm just going to watch Man in the Iron Mask again. At least that went from so bad it was good back to bad and then somehow took a sharp left and veered into endlessly entertaining as a mockery of itself territory.

Plus, Depardieu.

(But in all honestly, I'll probably see this in an altered state of mind and be content)

Posted by: That Girl at March 28, 2011 1:25 PM

That Girl--The secret to enjoying The Man in the Iron Mask is to skip every scene with DiCaprio.

As for the Musketeers, the Richard Lester movies are the only way to go.

Posted by: jthomas666 at March 28, 2011 1:49 PM

That Girl--The secret to enjoying The Man in the Iron Mask is to skip every scene with DiCaprio.

So very true. The casting for the musketeers was flawless, yet again. I find that a big problem with most of the adaptations (of one of my favorite books of all time) is that they cast some pretty boy lameo with zero charm and charisma as D'Artagnan, and put him at the center of the film. D'Artagnan is supposed to be a charmer and a badass, and you just can't keep casting these girly boys at the center of the movie.

Posted by: figgy at March 28, 2011 2:24 PM

And, in the case of The Man in the Iron Mask they cast Leo freakin' DiCaprio at his most GirlyBoy as the central character and he was terrible.

Posted by: figgy at March 28, 2011 2:26 PM

I'm sorry, was that an airship?! Are they steaming up the Musketeers now?

I... I don't know how I feel about this. I'm so confused.

Posted by: lizzieborden at March 28, 2011 2:34 PM

Matthew MacFadyen & Ray Stevenson? I'm in.

#tituspullotituspullotituspullo

Posted by: dammitjanet at March 28, 2011 3:43 PM

Thirteen!!

Posted by: Phedre at March 28, 2011 4:10 PM

where the hell is Mads Mikkelsen in that trailer?

And Orlando Bloom looks like a chick dressed as a popstar in some Victorian era music video. With a tiny gun.

Posted by: sailboat at March 28, 2011 4:49 PM

I hate Orlando Bloom with the fire of a thousands TK's watching a Lifetime movie marathon.

Posted by: TWoP_Fan at March 28, 2011 5:38 PM

What the fuck did I just watch? This looks like some Steampunk meets Resident Evil junk.

Posted by: Snrub at March 28, 2011 6:06 PM

Looks like stupid fun. Not a great "film" experience, but loud and flashy and stupid and entertaining.

Like the Expendables. Or Ironman 2.

Nothing wrong with that every once in a while.

Posted by: bachelor at March 28, 2011 6:21 PM

This really does look terrible. I giggled when I watched it and not in a good way.

Posted by: Jones at March 28, 2011 8:30 PM

Needs more codpiece.

Posted by: Uriah Creep at March 28, 2011 9:07 PM

Well, that was an imperfect balance between "meh" and "what the hell". And, really, WHAT part of that needs to be 3D?

Posted by: Shane at March 28, 2011 10:02 PM

What figgy said.

The Musketeers are usually pretty damn good, but the D'Artagnan character usually sucks. Waste of damn fine material, I tell you!

The opening clash with D'Artagnan vs all 3 is one of the most entertaining parts of the novel -from the witty dialogue to the fight scenes. Why is this usually effed up!?!

Posted by: Four Eyes at March 28, 2011 10:49 PM

Ok. I just saw the trailer.

What the fuck was that?

Posted by: Four Eyes at March 28, 2011 10:51 PM

Since I have to watch anything Mads Mikkelsen is in, guess that means this mess too.

Posted by: silchas ruin at March 29, 2011 3:30 AM

3D? Kiss my ass.

Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at March 29, 2011 5:47 AM

How are they going to explain a flying ship in the year 1625? I`ll go see it just for that.

Posted by: loufalce at April 19, 2011 11:48 PM