We’re only a few short weeks from the end of the summer TV doldrums. As Dustin pointed out, a whole slew of new and returning dramas are just around the corner. And, seriously, it’s about damn time. Because this has been the summer of the Bleak Crime Drama, and I’m tired of having nothing to ship except a Box Of Kleenex and My Face.*
And for all of you who roll your eyes at the concept of shipping, go ahead and bugger off to another post. There’s nothing wrong with a mixing in a little yearn with your televisual enjoyment. So brace yourself for 2013/2014, people. Things are about to get mighty yearnsome.
Schmidt and Cee Cee — “New Girl”: Now that the main duo of this adorable cast are all locked up in each other (for now), it’s Schmidt who got the classic will they/won’t they cliffhanger this year. During the finale I was very much Team Maybe Not The Hottest Girl In The Room But Very Cool Seeming Elizabeth but having just rewatched Season 1, I think I have to go back to being on Team Hottest Girl In The Room Who Is Also Quite Cool Cee Cee. But it’s a tough one, maybe one of the tougher triangles I’ve seen in awhile. Returns September 17th.
Amber and Ryan — “Parenthood”: These kids struggled through some believable and not at all overwrought melodrama last year. My investment in these two is really a testament to how much I adore Mae Whitman because while I was never a fan of Matt Lauria on “Friday Night Lights,” I was all-in with this couple from the start. And Lauria was gangbusters as an ex-soldier grappling with some PTSD. I wouldn’t mind if Amber and her fella got married and had, like, a million babies. Returns September 26th.
Cosima and Delphine — “Orphan Black”: We are way way way too far away from new “Orphan Black,” but I think we can all agree that not only do we need Cosima to overcome whatever mysterious clone disease she’s come down with, but we also need to see a lot more Hot French Scientist snuggles. Return TBA.
Luther and Alice — “Luther”: This one, however, is so close I can almost taste it. The Luther/Alice Morgan pairing is, of course, one of those deeply dysfunctional ships that you feel a little twisted about rooting for. But you have to admit that while Series 2 of “Luther” was fantastic, the absence of Alice was keenly felt. The ad campaign around Series 3 is “She’s Back.” About damn time. Returns September 3rd.
Melinda and Phil — “Marvel’s Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D.”: I recorded a sort of long, rambling podcast last night about Joss Whedon that touched upon the nature of shipping. And I mean, there is no better shipbuilder than Joss Whedon. Just looking at the comely cast of this new show, the possibilities are endless. But my money’s on these two. I could be way off the mark. Anyway, the good news for all of us is that while this is a Whedon Joint, it’s helmed by The Slightly Lesser Whedon And His Preternaturally Talented Wife, so it’s possible any ship we cling to might not end in death. Probably. I mean they can’t kill Coulson AGAIN. Probably. Premieres September 24th.
Daya and That Puppy Dog Guard — “Orange Is The New Black” I don’t know how Daya’s story is going to end, I haven’t read the book. Is Daya even in the book? Anyway, this situation seems impossible, no? What I do know is that I want to watch her and that Puppy Dog exchange doodles and brutally sweet vulnerabilities forever. Return TBA.
William and Virginia — “Masters Of Sex”: I do, however, know how this story ends given that it’s, you know, based on history. And while I’m not rooting for the dissolution of a marriage to bring these two together, I do know that Lizzy Caplan is downright irresistible and Michael Sheen ain’t so shabby himself. I’ll be excited to watch them bangsily flirt their way through the sexual revolution. Premieres September 29th.
Adam and Hannah — “Girls”: Haters to the left, I’m one of the few who enjoyed the ending of Season 2 and think these two deeply deeply dysfunctional people are capable of making each other better. Or safer. Or something. Return TBA.
Fitz and Liv — “Scandal” Okay, another couple I probably shouldn’t be behind. Especially given the way History’s Most Handsome POTUS behaved at the end of last season. But I can’t help it. The pull between these two is violently unavoidable. So go for it, kids. Wreck everyone who gets in your way. Tear the nation apart. I’m rooting for you. Returns on my birthday, October 3rd.
Robyn and Kalinda — “The Good Wife”: What, I’m supposed to be rooting for Will and Alicia? I am, I am. Relax.
But that’s the long game, and I’m a little fatigued on it for the moment. And yes, I know, Kalinda has a new love interest and I’m supposed to be rooting for her. And given the cuteness of that pizza-eating scene last year they’re probably trying to sell me on Carey and Robyn. But f*ck it, I don’t care. I ship Kalinda and everything. Kalinda and Baseball Bats. Kalinda and Boots. Kalinda and Her Intrepid Investigator Notebook. Returns September 29th.
Danny and Mindy — “The Mindy Project”: Maybe my favorite comedy ship in a post-Ben & Leslie/post-Nick & Jes world. Did you know that they filmed a kiss during the finale last year? No I don’t know why, probably to mess with The Feeble Minds Of Tumblr. Anyway, with apologies to the lovely Anders Holm, I can’t wait for these two to be back on my screen sparking and sparring. Returns September 17th.
Kathy Bates And The Business End Of A Sledghammer — “American Horror Story: Coven”: This is pure speculation. I don’t have any insider info. But I do know that the immensely talented Bates will be playing a character loosely based on a real life serial slave killer. Serial. Slave. Killer. So I imagine we’ll all be rooting for her demise. Things are about to get delightfully weird again. Returns October 9th.
*And, fine, okay, Don and Sloan.