A lot of folks have been preparing for weeks for tonight’s debate, stocking their liquor cabinets and refilling their Xanax prescriptions. For many of us, alcohol will be necessary to get through this debate, but for the teetotalers among us, alcohol is not an option. But just because you don’t drink doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to participate in drinking games.
We here at Pajiba have a lot of respect for our sober friends, so we’ve developed a drinking game that will allow them to get through the entire debate without ever having to take a drink!
Here are the drinking rules:
1. Drink every time Donald Trump tells the truth.
2. Drink if Donald Trump manages to say “LGBTQ” like an actual human being.
3. Drink if Donald Trump respectfully refers to Hillary Clinton as “Senator Clinton” or “Secretary Clinton” instead of simply “Hillary” or “Crooked Hillary.”
4. Drink if Donald Trump can successfully explain to the audience, using actual numbers, how he plans to compel Mexico to pay for his wall.
5. Drink if Donald Trump takes responsibility for the birther movement.
6. Drink if Donald Trump denounces his white nationalist supporters.
7. Drink if Donald Trump can answer any question on one of his many scandals without redirecting the question and making it about Hillary Clinton’s scandals.
8. Drink if Donald Trump offers a credible alternative to the Affordable Care Act.
9. Drink if Trump goes five minutes without saying “believe me.”
10. Drink if Donald Trump can formulate a coherent response to any policy question.
11. Drink if Donald Trump denounces Vladimir Putin.
12. Drink if Donald Trump apologizes. For anything.
We feel that this drinking game will allow you to enjoy the privileges of participation while maintaining your sobriety. Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do about your inability to appropriately black out after the debate.