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Morning Briefing: The Girther Movement Is Hilarious, But It's Also Bullsh*t

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | January 17, 2018 |

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | January 17, 2018 |


Hi, and good morning! Yesterday, the amazing Chrissy Teigen offered to pay the $100,000 fine for former Olympian McKayla Maroney if she decided she wanted to break her non-disclosure agreement and testify against USA Gymnastics team doctor Larry Nassar, who has been accused by 140 women of sexual assault. Kristen Bell and Mike Schur offered to third the cost with her.

That was a pretty amazing moment of solidarity on celebrity twitter.

Meanwhile, James Gunn offered $100,000 to charity if Trump would step on a scale.

That’s pretty funny, and it also mirrors the bullshit that Trump pulled on Barack Obama when he offered $5 million for evidence that Obama wasn’t born in the United States. Given the way Trump treated Obama, he deserves the ribbing.

But you guys know it’s also bullshit, right? Donald Trump really is 6’3 and 239 pounds, and no matter how many athletes he’s compared against, it’s not going to change. As much as we have a hard time believing the results of Trump’s physical yesterday, the guy who administered it, Dr. Ronnie Jackson? He’s legit. He was Obama’s physician. He’s above board.

I’m not saying that you should knock off the conspiracy theories — because they are fun — but just know that they are conspiracy theories. Folks wear their weight in different ways. Muscle is more dense than fat, and Donald Trump doesn’t have an ounce of muscle on him. But if pushing the #Girther movement annoys the hell out of a racist idiot without a speck of compassion, then keep it up!

The physician also said that Trump was in good mental health, which … OK. That means we can’t blame his irrational decision making, his incoherence, his constant contradictions (often in the same sentence) and his rambling on his mental health. The man is just staggeringly dumb, and he doesn’t know what he’s talking about because he’s too lazy to learn anything that’s not delivered to him via Fox News. So, I guess we can shelve those 25th Amendment conspiracies, too, because lazy and dumb do not qualify as grounds, unfortunately.

For those looking for a respite from Trump, however, we still have Mueller. He has subpoenaed Stephen Bannon to appear before him, and while Bannon refused to say much to the House Intelligence Committee yesterday (citing executive privilege), word is that he plans to fully cooperate with Mueller. I don’t know that Bannon actually knows anything, but I bet he can help point Mueller in the right direction where it concerns Jared Kushner, and ultimately, the second best thing to ousting Donald Trump is making everyone in the Trump Administration regret the hell out of winning the Presidency.

Failing Mueller, we’ll just have to rely on the good old fashioned ballot box, where this November we’ll be casting ballots in the midterms. Republicans have been retiring in droves, and privately, most Republicans have conceded that they will lose the House in November, it’s just a matter of by how much. Last night gave Democrats more good news when, in a special election in Wisconsin, a Democrat won a State Senate election by 9 points in a reliably red district that voted for Trump by a 17-point margin in 2016. That’s a big swing.

All of which is to say: We have options! That Happy Meal Shithouse won’t necessarily have dominating control of the government too much longer. So hang in there, folks. There’s only 292 more days until election day, and while that sounds like an impossibly long time, we have somehow survived the 435 days since Trump was elected.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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