“I have one simple request. And that is to have toilets with frickin’ laser beams that don’t touch my dick, okay?”
Acting Attorney General Matt Whitaker looks like Thanos and Wilson Fisk made a baby with a thumb for a face. But apparently no one wants to grapple with the obvious fact that Marvel characters have crossed into our world and started boning, so here’s some business about Whitaker being involved in the shady marketing of a toilet seat for dudes who are 100 percent lying about the size of their penises. Full stop.
Mother Jones reports:
In November 2014, a Miami Beach-based firm, World Patent Marketing, announced the “marketing launch” of a “MASCULINE TOILET,” which boasted a specially designed bowl to help “well-endowed men” avoid unwanted contact with porcelain or water. “The average male genitalia is between 5″ and 6″,” the firm’s press release said. “However, this invention is designed for those of us who measure longer than that.” In the same release, World Patent Marketing also touted the recent appointment of “Matthew G. Whitaker, former Iowa US Attorney and Republican candidate for United States Senate to the company’s advisory board.”
So right off the flesh bat, I was going to make a joke that the Gigundo Cock Toilet is the real reason why Trump chose Whitaker to fill-in for Jeff Sessions. “People are always saying I need one of those because it’s not the size of a mushroom. Kellyanne, tell them.” But because our president is a goddamn moron, he already blurted out that Whitaker was absolutely hired to stop Mueller.
Note that just yesterday, two Daily Caller propagandists lobbed Trump a softball about potential Whitaker replacements, and Trump, unprompted, confessed that Whitaker's appointment was all about Mueller. pic.twitter.com/23Q4vpxdAe— Brian Beutler (@brianbeutler) November 15, 2018
As for how this ties back to the smooth and natural move of impressing the ladies with a toilet bowl that doubles as a jacuzzi, Mother Jones reports that Whitaker’s time at World Patent Marketing mostly involved fighting back allegations of fraud, which is usually what happens when you take a bunch of money for inventions that will never see the light of day.
It marketed a slew of oddball inventions, including a “theoretical time travel commodity tied directly to price of Bitcoin.” Called Time Travel X and marketed as “a technology, an investment vehicle and a community of users,” the cryptocurrency never materialized. The firm also pitched Sasquatch dolls, promoting them with a video claiming that “DNA evidence collected in 2013 proves that Bigfoot does exist.”
If you’re starting to question the legitimacy of an acting attorney general who allegedly used his power and status to provide cover for a company that tried to sell Bitcoin, but you know, for time travelers, this is why elections matter because Democrats in the House are all over that shit.
Washington, D.C. (Nov. 14, 2018) — Today, Reps. Elijah E. Cummings, Jerrold Nadler, Frank Pallone, Jr., and Adam Schiff, the Ranking Members of the House Committees on Oversight and Government Reform, the Judiciary, Energy and Commerce, and Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence, respectively, sent seven letters requesting information relating to Acting Attorney General Matthew G. Whitaker’s involvement with World Patent Marketing, a company that allegedly bilked millions from consumers and suppressed criticism of their activities.
I guess Matt Whitaker learned that if you’re going to drop your big dick in the toilet, make sure the water isn’t… blue.
And I’m going to kill myself now. Please pretend that last sentence didn’t happen. For the love of God.
Header Image Source: Getty