Not all news is bad. Some news is just very very dumb. Some news is so zany it feels like outtakes from The Good Place. So we’re rounding up the wackiness. Enjoy.
Florida Woman won’t let being drunken and disorderly and kicked out of a Red Lobster keep her from feasting fancy. On her way out of the restaurant, she snatched a live lobster from the tank and ran. But here’s the part that felt very Eleanor Shellstrop: “The police were called and found the woman, who denied knowing the lobster’s location.” (The Cut)
Now, you might get pedantic with me here and point out Eleanor isn’t a Florida Woman. She’s an Arizona Woman. Fine. To rep for the weirdness of Arizona, allow me to introduce you the latest member of the Avondale Police Department, a drug-sniffing Lizard.
Okay. So this one was a prank. But what does it say about Arizona that people were like, “A drug-sniffing lizard was given a police badge in Arizona? Sounds about right.” (ABC 15)
In other animal news, West Virginia humans were calling the cops on some disorderly raccoons, for fear the bandit-masked little buggers were rabid. Nope. Just drunk. Who amongst us hasn’t eaten fermented crab apples to take the edge off? Don’t judge us, DEBRA! (People)
Meanwhile in Texas, a woman celebrated her divorce with a party, centered around blowing her wedding dress to smithereens. The big moment involved $200 worth of Tannerite, a scoped rifle she fired to ignite it, and an explosion that could be heard for 15 miles.
“It was liberating pulling that trigger,” dress destroying divorcee Kimberly Santleben-Stiteler told the Star-Telegram, “It was closure for all of us.” (Global News)
And across the pond, this story is less Tahani and more Love Actually, because Christmas is all around. A three-year-old girl in Poulton-le-Fylde, England, was positively outraged when she was informed that she’d been asked to be an angel in a nativity play. She’d rather be Batman. (NY Post)
“Get me a Batman outfit—not a skirt one!” little Darcy Raine Cheshire demands, “A normal one with pants and a cape.”
Let the girl go as Batman! If Love, Actually has taught us anything, it’s that all are welcome to the birth of Jesus: octopuses, lobsters, even Spider-Man!