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Boris Johnson: 'Master Of The House'

By Hannah Sole | Politics | July 25, 2019 |

By Hannah Sole | Politics | July 25, 2019 |


GettyImages-1157624331.jpg

What do we do when we’re doomed? We sing a little song, that’s what! Our last edition of British Politics Karaoke was Theresa’s Horrendous Technicolour Brexit, which you can find here if you missed it. To convey the level of misery required at the dawn of the Boris era, there was only one real choice of musical. But the aim here is to try and cheer you up, so I picked the least gloomy song. Are you ready? Press play on the video, sing along, and don’t forget the accents!

Welcome, my friend, sit yourself down
And meet the worst damn people in town.
Look at these schmucks, all of ‘em crooks:
Robbing the poor and cooking the books.
Seldom do you see
Such depravity!
And the mop who’s at the top
Is content to be

Master of the house, thinks that he can charm,
Ready with some bullsh*t and a greasy palm.
Tells a sexist joke, makes a racist slur,
Thinks that he’s an entertaining raconteur.
Here to do his friends a favour,
Don’t expect him to be nice.
He’s gonna do a Brexit
But he’s somewhat hazy on the price.

Master of the house, loves the ERG,
Ready to propel us into misery.
Calling for alliance while stoking up the hate,
Drops so many random quotes we can’t think straight.
Everybody loves a Boris!
(Everybody’s round the bend.)
He’s in it for the glory,
Tories! Won’t he bleed us in the end!

Master of the house, does it on the fly,
Never wants a photoshoot to pass him by.
Lurching to the right, Britain’s Donald Trump,
A bumbler, a fumbler, and total flump!
Everybody’s drunken uncle,
Everybody’s Eton chum!
A cautionary story,
Tories! He’s a rancid little plum.

Back in the day, when he was the Mayor,
He seemed like a harmless chap with bad hair.
But it was an act, he’s desperate for power,
The ‘silly old Boris’ thing really went sour.
He tries to pick and choose
Which team’ll win or lose,
There’s nothing he won’t barter,
Compromise or use.

Tries to seem less threatening by messing up his hair,
Waves a bloody kipper and pretends to care,
Ego of a king, odour of a stoat,
Positively ursine and a randy goat.
Compliments are more than welcome,
Traitors will be ostracised,
Tries to speak in sound bites,
Plus some pompous swagger on the side.

Blunderer extreme, loves a daily gaffe,
Never does his homework coz it’s too much faff.
Spaffing up the wall (an actual thing he said,
Like “piccaninnies”, “bumboys” and “letterbox” head.)
Geography is not his forte,
Anybody know what is?
Got a PhD in snoring? Decency ignoring?
Tories! This has got to be a swizz!

Master of the house, does it on the fly,
Never wants a photoshoot to pass him by.
Lurching to the right, Britain’s Donald Trump,
A bumbler, a fumbler, and total flump!
Everybody’s drunken uncle,
Everybody’s Eton chum!
He’s sponsored by furore,
Tories! And there’s even worse to come.

He tries to hide that he’s as thick as mince…
He peaked in high school, it’s been downhill ever since…
Master of the house? If only that was it.
He picked a bunch of eejits for his cabinet.
Cunning little plan to sweep Farage away
(By doing all that Nigel wanted anyway).
What a crappy party system landed us with such a louse!
The world’ll think we’re bluffing, with this big sh*tpuffin in the house!

Master of the house!
Why, God, why?
Charlatan extraordinaire,
We’re all gonna die!
Danger to us all, hazard to the state,
Fantasist and liar and a reprobate.
Who’d have thought we’d miss Theresa?
Who’d have thought we’d end up here?
Everybody raise a glass!
Drink until you fall on your arse!
The nation’s gonna tumble with this apple crumble in the house!

(I apologise for besmirching the good name of apple crumble.)



Hannah Sole is a Staff Contributor. You can follow her on Twitter.


Header Image Source: Getty Images


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