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Theresa-May-GettyImages-1135199238 copy.jpg

Theresa And The Horrendous Technicolour Brexit: A Musical Update

By Hannah Sole | Politics | March 28, 2019 |

By Hannah Sole | Politics | March 28, 2019 |


Theresa-May-GettyImages-1135199238 copy.jpg

I’m not saying that this Brexit process has broken me (entirely. Not yet anyway.) but Brexit news manages to be constant and somehow always the same, so it’s time to mix things up a bit. This week, the House of Commons has seen another ‘historic but not in a good way’ development, with MPs fighting to use indicative votes. These votes presented a range of different Brexit options to the House, in an attempt to come up with some sort of coherent plan after Theresa May’s deal was emphatically rejected twice, alongside No Deal, and assorted other complications like the Malthouse compromise. May is not bound to follow the outcome of an indicative vote process, and was mostly just livid that they were taking place — even after her furious speech last week, where she called on MPs to say what they want, rather than just talking about what they don’t want. She sat out of the indicative vote process, desperate to bring her deal back to the House for ‘Meaningful Vote 3’. It was a long night. But what happened? The answer lies in karaoke, my friends. Karaoke set to some tunes from my favourite musical (don’t judge).

Are you ready? Do your vocal warm up, then press play and sing along!

Narrator:
So…back in Britain the future looks rough
And the Tories are finding it tough.

Tories:
For this Brexit has caught us unprepared,
May has run down the clock,
We are getting scared.
It’s enough to make anyone weep.
We are down to our very last week.
Folks will starve if we don’t take the deal!
But we can’t quite decide how we feel!
We can pout, we can shout, but we’re out of luck,
If we run out of time
We’re completely f*cked.

Narrator:
So backbenchers decided to try
To pin down where the preferences lie.
And on Wednesday they tested them out.

MPs:
Mighty House, give us all a way out!

Narrator:
And they voted on 8 different plans because
No-one knew what the best effing idea was.

Theresa May:
I shall now sit and sulk out of the way!
After all they have RUINED Brexit day.
I dreamed that in the fields one day
While running through the wheat,
The time would come when everyone
Was bowing at my feet.
I dreamed I saw the Parliament
Submitting to my will.
But now the gits won’t vote for me,
Let’s move in for the kill.
Why d’you think that we will solve this with
Indicative votes?
We all know that if we fluff this
We should all get our coats.
Can’t we vote on my deal again?
Why d’you think that I should help you?
What’s in it for me?
Why on earth should I allow this?
I’m Team MV3.

Narrator & MPs:
Brexit, Brexit, hard, soft, in, out,
Brexit, Brexit, figure it out.
Brexit, Brexit, Leave or Remain?
Brexit, Brexit, shall we ask them again?

Opposition parties and Tory backbenchers:
Suddenly we are united,
We want our say too.
Though it’s not legally binding
And it’s still down to you.
We don’t want your stupid deal!
Life is slowly ebbing from us,
Hope’s almost gone!
Let’s file your deal in the shredder
To make sure’s it’s gone.

Narrator & MPs:
Brexit, Brexit, Hard, soft, in, out,
Brexit, Brexit, figure it out.

Theresa May:
I rather hate the way you’re talking,
You treacherous scum!
How dare you think that you can rule me?
They voted; I won.

MPs:
This is what you wanted, May!

Theresa May:
Yeah, I said that you should tell me
What you thought I should do,
But that was just to rile the masses
Against all of you.

Narrator & MPs:
Brexit, Brexit, Hard, soft, in, out,
Brexit, Brexit, figure it out.
Brexit, Brexit, Leave or Remain?
Brexit, Brexit, shall we ask them again?

Part 2:

Narrator:
Bercow handed them papers to vote,
And they wobbled with gammony bloat.
Then unseen, MPs nipped out around the back
And voted for how to take the country back.
With just hours ‘fore we were meant to go,
Bercow turned to them all with his terrible voice and said

via GIPHY

Bercow:
“Stop! You buggers! Stop braying like a prat!
All of you have voted, and that’s the end of that!”

Narrator:
Bercow started reading through the different bits.
(Can we all agree that Brexit’s getting on our tits?)
What’s the deal, what’s the deal? what’s the deal, what’s the deal?
Is it No Deal? NO
The Common Market? NO
Is it EEA? NO
Should we Revoke? NO
Is it Labour’s plan? NO
A People’s Vote? NO
Is it a Customs Union? NO
But fairly close.
2 year delay? NO
A border unicorn? NO
Was that a real one? NO
Is that it…?

Could it be, could it be? Could it be, could it be? Could it be, could it be?
Are we possibly still BREXITING?

YES YES YES

via GIPHY

Narrator:
BREXITING, for goodness’ sake,
Is not an easy thing to do.

Bercow:
Never in my whole career
Have I shouted ORDER this much before.
Same time Friday? Answers? Who can tell.
Let’s do this on Monday night as well.

Narrator:
Think of the writers, oh Parliament please.
We’re out of jokes now, we’re down on our knees.
You can’t keep doing this, you must think again,
If there’s no consensus, we should Remain.

Next time on Brexit: The Musical — a jolly calypso number featuring such poetry as “Brexiting is stupid as three Rees-Moggs” and “Why you don’t revoke it is a mystery”.



Hannah Sole is a Staff Contributor. You can follow her on Twitter.


Header Image Source: Getty Images


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