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Where In the F*ck Is That Tom Hardy-as-Elton John Biopic We Were Promised?

By Rebecca Pahle | Miscellaneous | February 19, 2016 |

By Rebecca Pahle | Miscellaneous | February 19, 2016 |

I don’t know if you remember this, but TWO AND A HALF WHOLE DAMN YEARS AGO you, I, and the world’s canine population was promised a movie where Tom “Brick Shithouse” Hardy plays pop royalty Elton John. One question for you, universe:


I get that movies take a long time, and I get that Tom Hardy is a very busy guy, who in addition to being an in-demand actor, has a lot of dogs to pet. I know that I shouldn’t look a gift-horse in its sequin-filled mouth. But we’ve heard virtually nothing about this movie since its existence was first introduced to the world in a cloud of glitter and mod glasses, and honestly, I’m starting to worry that I’ll never see Tom Hardy in a marabou boa singing “Crocodile Rock.” And I’m not sure that’s a world I want to live in.

Here’s what we know about the movie so far:

*It’s currently in development. (SO THEY SAY)
*It will be called Rocketman.
*Its director is Michael Gracey, one of those up-and-coming Hollywood commodities who hasn’t actually done anything yet, but whom the industry seems convinced will be the Next Big Thing. He already has two movies in the pipeline besides Rocketman: The Greatest Showman on Earth and a got-damned Naruto movie for Lionsgate. Come out, come out wherever you are, former 13-year-old anime trash commenters!
*Lee Hall (Billy Elliot) is writing.
*It may eventually become a stage musical, if you believe The Sun, LOL.
*Tom Hardy can’t really sing and has taken to wearing Elton John’s actual clothes (“he especially likes John’s iconic tracksuits”). COUGH. COUGH.


Cindy was not particularly enthused about this casting, because it’s fucking weird, but I am enthused, BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING WEIRD. Someone, at some point, said “You know who’d be a great idea to play Elton John? FUCKING BRONSON,” and I want to find out why.

Plus, The Greatest Showmann on Earth will star Hugh Jackman as P.T. Barnum, which is a pretty fucking perfect role for the sole guy chilling at the middle of the “song and dance man musical star” and “ANGRY SHIRTLESS SCREAMING superhero” venn diagram, so we have at least some indication that Gracey has an eye for casting.


Anyway, I just wanted to remind everyone that Rocketman is A Thing and we should all use our Power of Positive Thinking to will it into existence, or else to cause world peace and/or keep Trump away from the Presidency. Either/or.

I leave you with what I know you clicked on this post for: