Subway and Cadbury Team Up to Ruin Creme Eggs

I hesitate to file this story under “Food Porn,” since it’s the opposite of arousing. Cadbury, best known for their delicious confections of milk chocolate and creamy fondant, and Subway, the sandwich chain best known for bread that isn’t, have teamed up in what I assume is a Tory plot to ruin Easter for the British. On Good Friday, select Subway shops in the UK — specifically London, Liverpool, Swansea, and Glasglow — will serve up Cadbury’s Creme Egg SubMelt, a sandwich featuring melted Creme Eggs on Subway’s toasted Italian “bread.” Only 500 will be sold, presumably because making more runs afoul of British cruelty statutes set down in the Magna Carta.

Subway came up with the idea, which makes sense. Only an American company could ‘Murica this hard overseas, and Subway branching out to ruin British dessert like it has sandwiches makes some sense. Maybe it’s revenge for the War of 1812 or James Corden. If so, Cadbury fell for it. Charlotte Docker, brand executive for Cadbury Creme Egg, said, “When Subway approached us to create this eggs-traordinary Submelt, we simply couldn’t resist.” This pun failed to earn her the prison time it deserved and she continued, “The highly anticipated Creme Egg season is in full swing and we’re so excited to launch this innovative product with Subway as a final hoorah of the Easter season. We can’t wait for the response of those lucky enough to try this surprisingly delicious merging of sweet and savoury.”

Their obsession with putting the letter U where it doesn’t belong aside, the British deserve better than this. Wasn’t the Blitz enough? No matter what the nay-sayers would have you believe, the Creme Egg is a perfect mixture of decadently smooth milk chocolate and gooey fondant; it’s a delicious sugar high just waiting to wreak havoc on your glucose levels. It’s not that I’m against a blend of sweet and savory. After all, I’ve done my best to popularize the grilled fluffernutter. And the toasted Nutella sandwich isn’t far behind. But this is just wrong. First off, according to the Supreme Court of Ireland Subway’s bread contains too much sugar to be legally defined as anything other than confectionery, so is it really a sandwich if it’s wrapped in something other than bread? Secondly, it’s a poorly-engineered monstrosity waiting to ooze body-temperature chocolate all over your favorite hoodie. There’s no containment, no dam to keep the chocolate strata inside the sandwich when applying bite pressure to top and bottom. It’s like putting egg salad between two slate slabs.

If you want to turn the Creme Egg into an amalgamation of British “cuisine” and ‘Murican ingenuity we have to go west. Leave behind the Earl of Sandwich and head to Cornwall, birthplace of the Cornish pasty. Wrap the Creme Egg in a sturdy pie crust and seal it tight to prevent leaks. Chill it thoroughly in the freezer. Then go west again to the American East Coast and head to the nearest state fair to plunge that egg into hot oil as we have so many other desserts like Oreos and Twinkies. If we can fry a Snickers bar we can fry a Creme Egg, by God. The pastry shell holds in the molten chocolatey goodness and, unlike Subway’s loaves, contains no recycled particle board. The Cadbury Creme Egg is perfect on its own but, if we have to mess with success, let’s at least do it right.