Perhaps you’ve heard the news that the song “Hey There Delilah” is being turned into a TV series. If just reading the words “Hey There Delilah” does not IMMEDIATELY jam that song into your head for the next three hours, then you can refresh your memory here at your own risk:
Now, I’m not here to knock the concept of pulling stories from songs. There’s a proud tradition of storytelling through song, particularly in genres like country, blues, and bluegrass along with many songs we’d consider “standards.” I understand the Canadians have an entire genre of story-songs just for tragic shipwrecks. Sometimes you get crossover hits to the mainstream. However, I feel very comfortable saying that “Hey There Delilah” is NOT a true story song and is apparently written to a woman who was never actually romantically involved with the singer. So. We, the Pajiba staff, got to thinking up other pop songs that would make a better template for a TV show, and since I spent a whole summer making up TV shows to prank the 5 Shows After Dark readers, I decided to take a few out for a spin. If you are a network executive interested in any of these clearly satirical pitches, I assure you I can get deadly serious about any of them very quickly.
One of the selling points for “Hey There Delilah” is the “characters” it “introduced to a multigenerational audience” but if you’re looking for a pop song with crystal clear characterization, look no further than this tune by The Offspring from 1998. This series would pick up with the titular white guy as he leaves suburban Connecticut to try to make it as a rapper in the Bronx, against the wishes of his parents who just want him to go to UConn. Hilarity ensues as cultures clash. Airing on CBS this fall.
Following in the tradition of the Animal Planet series Animal Precinct, this new scripted show will follow animal investigators as they chase a mystery criminal obsessed with opening gates and letting dogs out. The stakes are… pretty low. All the dogs are OK, because who would make a show about dogs getting hurt? But a city lives in mild concern that they could be next.
This winter on PBS Ken Burns brings his talents to the 20th century with this new, multi-part series on the history and events of the recent past. Lasting two weeks of 2-hour installments, each decade gets its own episode to explore what made it memorable. - h/t Kayleigh Donaldson
A new post-apocalyptic drama starring Josh Holloway as a Government agent desperately trying to hold together one of the few remaining true settlements left on the East Coast, in what used to be Manhattan. But will the stress eventually make him realize that the very people he’s been serving are the ones behind the current chaos? Nicole Beharie co-stars as the rebel leader he teams up with to learn the truth. Unrelated to the Todd Solondz film of the same name.
Hallmark’s newest holiday movie follows a man and woman who seem to keep missing their moment, right up until Christmas Eve in a supermarket with only one turkey left! Melissa Joan Hart stars as Casey, the busy career woman who can’t find time for her own happiness and Eddie Cibrian is Sam, a widowed father ready to find some Christmas magic. And a Christmas turkey.
Literally, we just turn the lyrics into a script. It’s long enough to be a pilot already.
Investigation Discovery confronts accused criminals with clear evidence of their wrong-doing to see how long they will continue to insist on their innocence. Can they persuade people to ignore the evidence in front of their eyes if they keep up the lie for long enough? -h/t Kristy Puchko
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