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Snap Impressions from the Weekend's First Slate of NFL Games

By Alexander Joenks | Miscellaneous | September 9, 2014 |

By Alexander Joenks | Miscellaneous | September 9, 2014 |

The NFL is back, which I’m sure is news to you. It’s so very easy to miss, what with the subtle way that professional football stays in the background of our lives, hardly noticed amid our societal obsession with things that really matter. I mean, good thing football’s back, the public almost cared about war in the Mideast. Our own Lord Castleton posted a gif-tastic summary of the first week yesterday including obscure Star Trek: The Next Generation jokes because that’s the way we roll here.

The following are my utterly objective impressions of the first week of the season:

Packers and Seahawks: I was rooting for the Packers, because having lived in Wisconsin I have an abiding love for fried cheese curds and beer. Unfortunately the Seahawks are war criminals, vicious and terrible abominations to all that is decent and human. I say this with the complete journalistic integrity of a 49ers fan.

Saints and Falcons: In their defense, the Saints honestly thought that this was a bye week.

Bengals and Ravens: There were more field goals in this game than shits given nationwide.

Bills and Chicago: Losing to the Bills is terrible enough. Losing to the Bills when they just run it up the middle in overtime should be especially embarrassing for a team whose unofficial motto has been “we might be mediocre, but at least you can’t run on us.”

Redskins and Texans: I wish someone would write an editorial insisting that the nickname “RG3” was racist. Not because it is. But because then they might stop using it. It’s more annoying than those nicknames like “A-Rod” or when the announcers call the quarterbacks by their first names as if they’re in the same carpool.

Titans and Chiefs: How will the Chiefs’ powerhouse offense recover from their humiliation in the postseason? Massacred by the Titans, you say? Must still have PTSD.

Patriots and Dolphins: I’ve always sort of liked Brady and Belichick, but I can perfectly understand the chorus of “suck it Brady!” that roared out across the land, in the same way that I’d appreciate Yankee stadium falling into a sinkhole.

Raiders and Jets: This game was so uninspired that Raiders fans only violated three international treaties after the game.

Jaguars and Eagles: After going up 17-0, the Jaguars so checked out of the game, that they didn’t find out that they lost until they got back to Florida, since none of them were willing to pay the exorbitant fees for in-flight internet access.

Browns and Steelers: All the Browns had to do was kick a 54 yard field goal to win. Of course they punted it; they’re Cleveland. Any other team’s fans would have been devastated by the last two minutes of the game, but Browns fans have been so abused into nihilistic withdrawal that they can undergo major surgery while conscious so long as the Browns game is on in the room.

Vikings and Rams: Were there any Adrian Peterson highlights? No? Other than that even Marshall Eriksen can’t remember what happened in this game.

49ers and Cowboys: At half time, Tony Romo only had one incompletion if you counted balls caught by BOTH teams. Also, the second half featured so many illusory penalties that when they brought in Mike Pereira to get his take, he admitted that the refs sometimes do that just to establish dominance, and says he regrets the monkey documentaries shown at the annual referees’ workshop this summer.

Panthers and Buccaneers: Congratulations Bucs fans! You just lost to a backup quarterback so shitty the Browns didn’t even want him anymore.

Colts and Broncos: Ever notice that Andrew Luck looks like Neville from the Harry Potter movies? Which means that Peyton Manning is Harry Potter. And I’m not going to show all my work here, but I assure you that the Cowboys are Slytherin and Jerry Jones’ Super Bowl rings are his horcruxes.

Giants and Lions: I imagine that for these games, Tiki Barber calls Barry Sanders to see if he wants to hang out, a little early-retirement-running-back get together so to speak. Sanders doesn’t answer. He never answers. Because no one likes Tiki Barber.

Chargers and Cardinals: If you take the average of all NFL games over the last fifty years, Chargers and Cardinals will be the most precisely mediocre.