9:58 - Well, another year, another MTV Movie Awards, another five, maybe six awards given out. Thanks for watching with me. I need to go be alone with that Fright Night preview again. Good night!
9:56 - Seriously. If they’d put Taylor Lautner in Avatar they wouldn’t have needed a stitch of makeup.
9:54 - Re: Busey, I like my crazy, semi-special celebrities to just be crazy and semi-special on their own. When you pull them out and put them on MTV, it just feels impuren and like the joke is on them. I like the joke on them where it belongs: behind their backs.
9:52 - See, if you want people to really care about your human/vampire affair, you gotta make with the banging. Buffy and Spike. Those two did it right (and a lot, in lots of places).
9:50 - They did not focus nearly enough on the “they totally bang” aspect of that trailer. I know tween/teen girls. They like when pretty people bang. Please see all aforementioned Fear references and, boom, you have my youth.
9:48 - My favorite film trope: “I’m so mad I just need to rip my shirt off about it!”
9:46 - That’s awesome. Also awesome, Emma Stone winning things. I like when people I like win things for things I like.
9:43 - I’m pleased Charlie Day is in things. More people should have seen Going the Distance. It was really good. WAIT HOLD ON did they even just reference the January Jones babydaddy sitch? Rewinding.
9:36 - I ridicule teen girls for hating Selena Gomez dating Bieber. But then I realize that’s me with Georgia Moffat. We never grow up; the boys just get older and foiner.
9:35 - I’m still experiencing nether tremors after that Fright Night preview. David was shirtless on my television. It’s a whole thing.
9:34 - Emma Watson is shaking her head at Kristen Stewart. Me too, Emma. Me too.
9:32 - Ashton Kutcher has terrible comic timing. Like, he’s not funny, and that’s a whole other thing, but who delivers a punchline on a laugh? What’s your deal? Why is everyone wasted? Hold your fucking liquor, Hollywood. Maybe if you people at more carbs, you could drink better.
9:29 - The things, you guys. The things I’d do.
9:29 - DT. Weirdly hot emo guyliner. A gun.
9:28 - Fright Night exclusive? HELLO, David Tennant. Speaking of Freebie 5. DT is the whole list.
9:26 - Was this small child around while Robert Pattinson went off on his weird mom-fucking, drunken thing? If so, awesome. Extra awesome.
9:25 - I have a Freebie 5. Jason Segel is super high on it. Call me, Seegs.
9:24 - I get Tyrese and Tyson Beckford confused apparently, as I just spent three minutes trying to find a Toni Braxton music video featuring Tyrese. This does not exist.
9:22 - Tyrese is very shiny.
9:20 - On the same tier of awesome as Fear is The Crush. I need to find a way to blog about nothing but those two movies for the duration of the summer.
9:18 - There are some of you out there who haven’t seen Fear. You need to fix that. That’s on you. If you don’t, I will punch myself in the well-toned man-tit until you do so. Wiiiiiiiiiillld horses…
9:16 - Blake Lively gets TOLD, Part 2 of the evening. Well done, Reesie. There’s still some of that Nicole in there after all. Let’s go stab Marky Mark with an umbrella and push him out a window! (Oh no, the Fear has taken over.)
9:13 - There hasn’t been enough Fear in here, but in my mind, there wouldn’t be enough unless they just played the whole movie, so I’ll allow the amount they used.
9:13 - We needed some Freeway up in here. I’m pleased with this montage.
9:10 - THANK YOU CHELSEA HANDLER. #Nicole4Eva
9:09 - MTV censor FAIL. We got our first “fuck” through of the night, courtesy of drunk as fuck R. Patz.
9:08 - No one has ever been drunker/coked-er upped-er than Robert Pattinson.
9:07 - Reese Witherspoon is getting the Generation Award? If they don’t talk about Fear I will fuck some people up.
9:05 - I’m not one to tell my fellow ‘jibans that their opinions are wrong. But, you guys, when it comes to Lady Gaga, your opinions are wrong. She is the light and the way.
9:02 - Bieber is wearing earrings. God I hate when parents pierce their babies’ ears.
9:01 - I’m really excited for Deathly Hallows 2: Electric Bugaloo. I loves me some Potter.
9:00 - Sometimes I’m all “Robert Pattinson, ugh, lame, whatever.” Then sometimes he talks and I’m all “yeah I’d hit it.” Also he’s totally drunk.
8:59 - Selena Gomez just had a twigasm.
8:58 - Teen girls - 1; teen boys - 0.
8:57 - If Natalie and Mila Kunis don’t win this, I’ll lose my faith in the internet.
8:56 - Haha, I like when Blake Lively gets TOLD. Want her to get told more? Read this again! Shill!
8:54 - Some people are awesome on SNL and also awesome at other things. I am sad to say J. Sudes is not. He’s a little too yelly “that guy” in everything he does.
8:52 - Twitter update: One of the top trending topics is “Poor Selena” because Jason Sudeikis made fun of her dating The Beebs. I say “Poor Selena” because dating the fetus when you’re a cute 19-year-old is kinda sad.
8:49 - Re: the commercial for some new ABC Family show - Jesus, Lea Thompson got old. Is ABC Family where our ’80s icons go to bloat and die? Stay away, Ione! Be free!
8:46 - I can’t get it up to trash Twilight right now so I’ll talk about David Slade. I saw him at Comic-Con in a panel with a bunch of other horror directors and he was such an obnoxious penis. You know who wasn’t? Lucky McKee. Which doesn’t quite forgive I Spit on Your Rape Movie Poster.
8:45 - What the hell is Not-Megan Fox wearing? She’s dressed like a Real Housewife of Shady Pines Retirement Community.
8:44 - Did the audience just scream in fear at stage fireworks? That’s adorable. God love stupid people.
8:43 - I’ve heard Sudeikis is a major asshole. I can definitely see it.
8:42 - Query: Has anyone EVER made a good bodyswitching comedy? I’m genuinely asking.
8:40 - Also, was Bieber wearing Ross’s outfit from the Friends Thanksgiving ep when we see him and Chandler in their Flock of Seagulls days? I have a lot of Bieber feelings.
8:40 - Also, did Bieber just win an award for his performance in his concert documentary?
8:38 - Wait, did Bieber just punk us? “OH MY GOD I TOTALLY THOUGHT HE WASN’T THERE BUT HE WAS TOTALLY THERE.” I…just…I don’t…am I too old?
8:35 - What an enormous waste of Chris Evans. I’m so mad about it, I’d like to talk about him for awhile whilst I ignore the show. You know what’s an awesome movie? Not Another Teen Movie. It gets unfairly lumped in with the Movie Movies and I don’t approve of such things. Fuck that noise.
8:33 - That was the first time I’ve seen the Rise of the Planet of the Apes trailer, and it makes me nightmarey. I don’t like the mokey people things.
8:31 - Because I’m developing a problem in this area, let’s take more bets: bet of the moment - what will be the next job-based movie starring Kevin James? My pick: Kevin James IS The Barista. He falls in love with a manic pixie dream girl who works the drive-thru, then gets kidnapped. He has to save her using three things: his girth, coffeebeans and a talking mug named Dexter.
8:29 - Let’s take a break during the musical interlude: Doctor Who was crazy good this week, AM I EVEN RIGHT? (pertinent Daria reference) Is it fall yet?
8:26 - Oh Dave Grohl. You still give me “like when we used to climb the ropes in gym class” funny feelings.
8:25 - I wonder if there’s a mathematical equation that can be used to determine the exact point in time Jim Carrey began making me sad.
8:23 - Draco Malfoy was barely in that movie, and was super bummed about having to fight Harry and co. Christoph Waltz does more evil during his bubblebaths than this kid’s done in 7 movies.
8:22 - Sweet Christ on a greasy forehead, Steve Carell, what is happening to your hair right now?
8:21 - Okay, let’s be real during commercial break: I chose to liveblog this because I wanted to watch it but needed a reason to do it so I wouldn’t get annoyed with my choice too quickly.
8:17 - I’m glad MTV still does the “show bits of red carpet during commercial breaks” thing, so we can all get a good look at Kristen Stewart’s “Wonder Woman on Ice” dress.
8:15 - Is Elle Fanning a giant, or are J.J. Abrams and Steven Spielberg only three apples high?
8:14 - Remember when Robert Pattinson was in that movie Surprise 9/11? Good times.
8:13 - Guys, when even I can’t feign outrage at Twilight winning things, you know that we have lost the war.
8:12 - Kristen Stewart is so high right now. (it does not matter when or where you read this. It will always be true.)
8:11 - God dammit, I failed. Time for Sheen-centric joke: the instant I hit “save” on this bitch.
8:10: Ladies and gentlemen, we have our first Schwarzenegger joke of the evening. *golf claps* What’s the over/under on when we get a Sheen joke? I’m calling it at 9:01 CT.
8:09 - Emma Stone is back to the red. Pleased.
8:08 - Please tell me SOMEONE screencapped the angry girl next to Selena Gomez. PLEASE. She did NOT approve. Probably because she’s going to murder her later tonight while screaming “BIEBER IS MINE!!!”
8:08 - Trends that must die soon: the weird Native American headdress headband, similar to that of Cher’s “Half-Breed” period.
8:07 - I’m glad Sudes knows Hall Pass was a fetid ass nugget. Because I’m still mad about it.
8:06 - Gaga’s bedroom? Please. Low blow. Gaga’s bedroom is entirely adorned with Laura Ashley furniture. And, yes, by the I mean furniture made of various women named “Laura” and “Ashley.”
8:03 - Taylor Lautner = human na’vi. Someone else has to recognize this, yes?
8:01 - When your award show starts with Chelsea Handler, you’ve already lost me.
8:00 - HI GUYS. Let’s do this.