11:03 - Anyway, okay, I’m going to bed now. It’s nigh-night time. Goodnight everyone, and thanks for playing along at home! I love you, you’re beautiful, you’re all my favorites.
11:01 - I feel like if Seth MacFarlane was a mildly amusing crooner, a moon-faced Michael Buble, if you will, I’d like him. But, instead, he makes TV shows and movies that make me scowl and make me hate him.
11:00 - Guys, this has been a…oh wait, nevermind, apparently we’re taking a commercial break to end the show.
10:59 - Aw, and Jennifer Garner is crying, too. This is a lot of adorability.
10:57 - I’m very happy for Affleck. And he was the bomb in Phantoms, yo.
10:55 - Argo! I’m happy with this. Definitely deserving. Also, my husband just asked re: Chris Terrio, “is that Stifler?”
10:53 - And Michelle Obama just popped in via video and took my award for Best Dress.
10:53 - Jack Nicholson’s glasses, collar and bow tie are all fighting over who got to be his date. His collar is winning.
10:50 - Aw, he giggles! It’s weird to think that Bill the Butcher giggles but he does!
10:48 - I mean, yeah, obviously. DDL was the only way this was going, and I’m all for it. And now he’s joking with Meryl! Friendship!
10:47- And I don’t think he’ll win, but Joaquin Phoenix’s was my favorite performance of the year and he deserves it.
10:45 - I don’t think he’ll win, but Emu truly impressed me. That was the most realistic, truthful depiction of mental illness I’ve ever seen. He nailed it, hard.
10:43 - I so adore Jennifer Lawrence. She was stellar in that movie and she’s also made of hilarious gumdrops.
10:43 - WE’VE GOT A JLAW DOWN! GET HER A CART!
10:42 - Quvenzhané! I love you and your little arm pumps!
10:41 - Chastain’s mom has the longest arm I’ve ever seen.
10:40 - Don’t cut to KStew, camera people. It’s just depressing.
10:37 - Is there still a lifetime achievement award to give? I’M OLD AND SLEEPY NOW. I’m not the young buck I was when I started doing these. I had a person removed from my midsection and I ate that whole plate of cookies. It’s awfully tired in here.
10:34 - Huh. Well, how ‘bout that. Ang Lee wins Most Improved Since Hulk.
10:33 - Whatever Jane Fonda’s doing, I want to do it, too. Chick looks GOOD.
10:30 - Everyone’s noticing comment wonkiness, yes? GO HOME, DISQUS, YOU’RE DRUNK.
10:27 - You know, Quentin Tarantino is just a guy I like. He always looks sweaty, probably from doing something horrifying to a foot made of cocaine, but I like him. What are ya gonna do.
10:25 - No T, no shade, Argo guy. Loved the movie, and you are just about precious. But…anyone else notice that Chris Terrio bears a startling hairline resemblance to Chaka from “Land of the Lost?”
10:23 - Kristen Stewart needs to have a sitdown with Charlize Theron and receive from her a Masters class in adequate levels of fuck-giving. Because she gives the perfect amount of fucks. Not too many, but enough to not seem like an asshole.
10:20 - Wait, Sandy B. and Melissa McCarthy in a movie? I knew about this but forget about this and now I am in love with this.
10:17 - OH ADELE. You’re so precious. Live in my pocket with the others. It’s getting crowded, but you’re worth it.
10:16 - As though it would be anything else, but I do love this song.
10:13 - I always forget that I do actually really like Scarlett Johansson’s voice.
10:10 - In honor of Babs, let’s all just remind ourselves as TK did me the other day—this is Barbra Streisand’s son. Never forget.
10:08 - Renee looks good. She’s still posing like there’s a gun to her back every time she moves, but she is speaking at her proper register and she’s not making me hungry. I miss her when she doesn’t make movies. BUT NOT ENOUGH FOR HER TO DO BRIDGET JONES 3. Don’t get any ideas, woman.
10:03 - I’ll just leave this here for a second.
10:01 - Oh, and here comes Babsikins. BRING IT HOME, BARBRA.
10:00 - I really like the incorporation of interview clips. That’s really nice.
09:57 - Time to remember that people died and feel sad again. Like Grandpa Borgnine and Tony Scott. I even referenced True Romance today and still forgot he died. :(
09:49 - She just literally hopped onto her mark. She’s, like, the highest anyone has ever been ever, right? Was she eating sandwiches with Ted Mosby like she usually does, or something more illicit?
09:47 - Is Kristen Stewart limping? Or is her awkwardness traveling downward? Also, she has huge bruises on her arm that no one thought to cover up. Also, she’s a fucking mess. Damn girl, get it together.
09:47 - I haven’t seen Amour yet. Will I die of sadness?
09:45 - Sometimes you can like a movie in spite of bad acting or questionable writing, but it’s rare to like a movie despite bad directing. And that’s how I feel about Silver Linings Playbook. I really liked it, and adored the acting, but I hate hate hate how it was directed. Every camera move, the overall tone of it, it just didn’t work. But everything else about it was good enough that I still liked it. Impressive.
09:43 - Nicole Kidman is actually looking great. Remember that, Nicole. Remember that next time your plastic surgeon comes a-callin’ with a fresh syringe of rubber cement to inject into your smile lines. Also, *points chestwards* are those new?
09:39 - I love that song so much that I tried to make it my ringtone after we saw the movie, and the only one available was some off-brand non-Adele version and that is NONSENSE.
09:38 - SO MUCH SPARKLE. I love it. I love her dress and her shoes. Her stylist should slap Christina Hendricks’s and Melissa McCarthy’s around.
09:35 - I love Adele’s hair. It’s so thick and pretty. I bet it smells like flowers. I bet she has that good hair that holds onto shampoo fragrance. Lucky good-haired, flower-smelling bitch.
09:34 - Whoa, had NOT yet seen full-length Jennifer Lawrence. I do declay-ah. Here’s the thing. If I had the opportunity, I would totally wear a crazy skirt that would make Scarlet O’Hara side-eye and whisper, “honey, tone it down.”
09:32 - Her transparent dress does make me want to say, “I love da black underwears!” though, so, for that, it wins.
09:31 - There is no one on this earth who I love more and who dresses more terribly at these award shows. Oh, my sweet, sweet Sandy B.
09:30 - COLUMBIA COLLEGE CHICAGO REPRE-FUCKIN’-SENT. *ironic fistpump of genuine love*
09:24 - Didn’t she already use that “best day of my life” thing about her husband in another speech?
09:21 - God, if Jacki Weaver won for her portrayal of Edith Bunker, I’d lose my shit. But she doesn’t—Annie takes it! And, bless her, dammit, she deserves it. And she WANTED IT. And now she can shut up about it already.
09:20 - It’s going to be Hathaway. But is anyone kind of excited at the prospect of her exploding like a devastated Chicken Lady if she loses?
09:18 - I’m not gonna lie, I guffawed at the Sound of Music ref just now. Oh, except he RUINED it again with another self-conscious comment. Par for the damn course tonight.
09:16 - And other congratulations to David Gruber Allen! Man, men with luxurious long blond hair are having the best night ever.
09:16 - Congratulations, Lucius Malfoy!
09:15 - A tie? Gaspy excitement!
09:10 - LOOK! Emu’s mom wore a bolero made of his birdkind! Cruelty!
09:08 - Not to be all spoilery-like, but with that very distinctive laugh at the end of the TV spot, Disney’s not really trying to hide who turns out to be the Wicked Witch in Oz the Great and Powerful, are they?
09:06 - I’m kind of sad that Helena Bonham Carter is dressed relatively normal this year. Where is my beloved mess of a wonderful fabric sack?
09:04 - Turning his mic up higher than everyone else’s—NOT a super good idea.
9:03 - Bringing Crowe out toward the end—SUPER good idea (yes, I know that’s how the song goes anyway [and I’m responding to my smartass husband who is apparently a Broadway scholar now]).
09:02 - GOOD, glad we shut that down fast. Time for me to cry now (my default reaction to “One Day More”).
09:00 - Sure, yes, this is probably the best song from beloved Les Miserables to perform. *shakes head with what the fuckness*
08:59 - Can we all be honest for a quick one and admit that if Hudson looked like this when she was in Dreamgirls, she would not have won that Oscar?
08:57 - I’m sure from the side and back, Jennifer Hudson’s hair is lovely. From the front, it’s the Flying Nun.
08:56 - For the record, I am loving this. Just make the whole show Broadway hits and I am SOLD.
08:52 - Okay. Hollywood can create amazing, mindboggling makeup and special effects. How can no one create a realistic hairpiece for John Travolta? Also, EYEBROWS.
08:50 - …Tommy Chong? Austrian Tommy Chong?
08:45 - Jaws music AND a college film major/young Will.I.Am will poke you in the ribs? They mean goddamn BUSINESS this year.
08:42 - STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW UNCERTAIN YOU ARE. I don’t understand. I know it’s supposed to seem casual and IDGAF, but it’s just coming across as lame. It’s too much poking at himself and the writing and so, so awkwardly self-aware.
08:39 - This was a really good year for acting. Even in movies I wasn’t 100% sold on (Silver Linings Playbook) the acting was just out and out phenomenal.
08:38 - I loved Argo, but what I loved most is how much Affleck likes to hook a buddy up with a good part—like Rory Corchrane and Victor “Spydad” Garber.
08:36 - Was anyone else terrified that the Jaws music would start while he was talking about homelessness and dying art and supporting one another in the arts world?
08:32 - Kerry Washington is beautiful. Why did they do that to her hair? She looks like Millie Kentner.
08:28 - Oooh, apparently JC Penney has some surprises for us on Twitter! Excitement!
08:27 - Shirley Bassey is 76 years old, people. I’ll be 28 on Wednesday and I’m too old for this shit. She’s a BAWSS.
08:24 - Shirley Bassey! Looking good, lady. Still has some major pipes, too. Full disclozhe, as she was rising from below stage, bathed in light, did anyone else think it was going to be Daniel Craig? I thought, my, what an interesting choice in tuxedo…
08:21 - What happened to Halle Berry’s career? She’s still regarded as a classy A-lister, but now she’s making movies produced by the WWE.
08:19 - Hot pink pants. Hot pink pants! Or tights! Whatever! She’s dressed like Edina Monsoon’s assistant Bubble and I live for it!
08:16 - My favorite moments of this award show every year is the “oh yeah! That was a movie, wasn’t it!” and I just had that with Mirror, Mirror. Oh yeah! That was a movie, wasn’t it!
08:14 - So, I’ve done some thinking, and what it is that’s put me off about this particular Oscars more than any other is this: the excruciating level of self-aware nervousness. It’s uncomfortable. The whole opening was “we’re going to tell you he’s doing a bad job so you’ll laugh because it’s not that bad!” and my sweet Avengers weren’t even reading, they were just saying words, which I normally love, but it was like joining in a conversation that you are not really a part of and it was weird. The whole show is just uncomfortable thus far.
08:11 - Okay, the Jaws music is kind of a funny idea but the guy was talking about hard times! I feel bad for him! Plus it was confusing. I thought it was playing in my head because I ate all the cookies and was concerned that it was the countdown to my Mr. Creosoting myself all over the living room.
08:08 - Bless him, that guy has smoked more weed than there is weed to smoke.
08:06 - If you’re going to have that many presenters, you need to figure out where you’re supposed to point the camera.
08:04 - Quvenzhané, my little hushpuppy, you can live in my other pocket next to Christoph.
08:03 - I know it won’t win, but do you know how loud I’d scream if Beasts of the Southern Wild won Best Picture? I adored that movie with every cell in my body. And I think Dwight Henry is the biggest snub this side of Affleck.
08:01 - Did you guys know I was in Les Mis in high school? I was “Dancer” in “Main Chorus” so you probably heard about it. I’ll be signing autographs after the ceremony.
08:00 - I know a lot of people didn’t love Brave but I liked it a lot and if my kid gets a strong, young female Pixar hero, then that’s all I care about.
07:57 - One of these days, I’m going to blow all of your minds with a stirring opinion on an Oscar short and you’re all gonna be like “whoa, Courtney had hidden depths.” But until then did you guys ever notice that Frankenweenie has weenie in its name? *knee slap*
07:55 - Was…that a weird fat joke?
07:50 - I am so pleased that Christoph Waltz just took this one. I love him. I want him to live in my pocket and just yell out things like “I want to yell in your butt!” and other stuff he said in this SNL sketch.
07:49 - Tommy Lee Jones is trying to smile every time the camera is near him. Bless him. No, TLJ, we LIKE you being Grumpy Cat!
07:46 - I just want to remind everyone that this has been a solid seventeen minutes about Seth MacFarlane and how the writers desperately want you to like him. And not in a mistakenly obvious way. Like. That’s what they keep putting on the screen. IT IS UPSETTING. I am uncomfortable. I don’t like it. I need more cookies.
07:45 - Sally Field was *in* that sketch and even she is like “what the fancy fuck is happening right now, seriously? Am I drunk?”
07:43 - By PunchFace, I mean I want to punch his face. Not like, this kind of PunchFace.
07:42 - I wonder if JGL and DanRad are annoyed that they have to share the stage with this human PunchFace or if they just feel bad for him.
07:39 - See, if the whole telecast could just be our Sweet Potato, the most blessed yam of them all, dancing with pretty ladies, it would be the best Oscars ever.
07:39 - SAM JACKSON IS NOT AMUSED. We are all of us Sam Jackson tonight.
07:36 - The level of insecurity to this opening is painful.
07:36 - You know, I was concerned there would be a “Harlem Shake” moment to this telecast, but at the rate we’re going there will probably be “Gangnam Style.”
07:32 - You know, I don’t think it had actually occurred to me how safe and pedestrian a host choice Seth MacFarlane really is. Also, Jesus Christ. This isn’t even standard Oscars bad. This is like that annoying guy at work you’re friends with on Facebook to be nice bad.
07:31 - “Who saw Argo?” he says in a room entirely made up of people in the Academy.
07:30 - Samuel L. muthafuckin’ Jackson dressed like the world’s dapperest couch.
07:30 - Oh fuck me, he’s going to sing isn’t he.
07:23 - It’s that time again where we all spill what we’re drinking—either spill as in share with the others in words what it is that you are imbibing this evening, or literally spill it because the red carpet inaneness has already taken you, and, for that, I’m so sorry, my little lost lambs. I’m drinking Hob Nob Pinot Noir. It’s tasty and it has a screw cap, because I don’t know if the chips, Tagalongs and Thin Mints gave it away before, but I’m very classy. Cheers!
07:17 - Apologies for that quick break—I was setting up my elegant Oscar snack display.
It’s pretty much Girl Scout cookies and Lays Sriracha Potato Chips, so it’s a particularly classy affair this evening.
07:10 - Okay, folks, buckle in. According to Her Butt-Holiest, Nikki Finke, tonight’s ceremony could potentially hit the four hour mark. Pace yourselves. Drink your vodka out of a glass rather than your usual squeeze bottle.