So a whole bunch of you morons totally fell for a totally obvious Twitter prank this weekend, HAHA, losers! I bet you’re one of those silly bitches who even wrote a morose high-horse blog about how wrong that guy was! Ha. Idiots.
But we can’t all be super smart to the max like me, obviously, who totally saw through the whole thing and definitely didn’t fall for shit because I have a journalistic mind sharp like a fucking ninja star. But, for the rest of you, here’s some tips.
I mean, in actually re-reading the whole thing, it actually is pretty obvious that it was faked. Because, like Grantland pointed out, Gale couldn’t have heard Diane breathing with that mask on, and he couldn’t have easily slipped her booze if she was in the window seat, and no one else seemed involved in any way, including flight crew, and also I’m pretty sure you can’t even eat a dick on a plane you guys, someone would totally notice your mini dick grill, so there that is.
2. The internet is silly.
The internet exists for only so many reasons: people thinking they’re hilarious and talented, and RuPaul’s Drag Race gifs.
I mean, if the internet didn’t provide a forum for people who find themselves far more amusing than the general public does, I wouldn’t have this job and you wouldn’t be reading this. I’d have to just stick with my actual job, and Elan Gale would have to stick with his job of exploiting unstable people for the amusement of others (way to branch!). So trust that the internet is a place of nonsense and that all should be taken with a grain of salt. And, if that proves too difficult, just know this:
3. Trust no one. Trust nothing.
Internet is LIES. Everything is LIES. Even the great Salsa War was a lie. Everything is a bit. That’s why you can trust no one. I mean, don’t you guys watch Catfish? AND WHAT IF THAT’S FAKE, TOO? Nev and Max, say it ain’t so!
Guys, I’m starting to think Dustin never even talked to Bradley Cooper. Also, I’ve been a 56-year-old business man the whole time!
(me, seen here conducting some goddamn business)
So, now, you’ll be protected from future hoaxes, you won’t feel dumb and you won’t have covered made up fake fuckery nonsense instead of important news like the Kardashian goddamn Kristmas Kard like you do every other year. I’M SORRY, MUPPET SLEEVES.