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Free P****!

By Miscellaneous | Miscellaneous | February 1, 2011 |

By Miscellaneous | Miscellaneous | February 1, 2011 |

This video has two things I don’t like. The first of these items are cats. I wouldn’t wish harm on the animals, but the fuzzy little fuckers are pure unadulterated evil and spite. They will shit in your shoe and watch with a haughty look on they’re faces as you clean it up. “Yeah bitch” they say, “clean up my filth like the lowly serf you are.” Cats are the Stuck Up Super Plastic Homecoming Princess You Wish You Had This Cookie high school girls of the animal world. They wouldn’t piss on you if you were stung by a Portuguese Man o’ War but if they want something they’ll give some attention until they get it. They’re that hot guy in Physics class that everybody knows is stupid but gets B’s on his exams because he tells you look good today and hopes you’ll let him see the answers on your test. And you do, because he took time out of whatever homoerotic sporting event to grace you with his concussion affected speech. You know that after they get what they want, you’ll never hear from them again but you do it anyways. Cats are sooooo fucking dreamy.

Cats will tear the shit out of everything except that scratching post you paid fifty bucks for. Why would they go for the cheap-ass scratching post when they could make this $1000.00 couch look like Freddy visited while you were having a nap. They’re like that friend you go out drinking with that you really don’t like because he can never afford a cab so he has to crash at your place. Then he wakes up in the middle of the night to puke in the worst place imaginable and spends half an hour making noises akin to a walrus sodomizing a virgin howler monkey before finally spewing up his internal ichor. After his loud and violent regurgitation, he goes back to sleep without cleaning it up so you have a surprise to stumble through while hung-over in the morning.

Cats are the pampered little princesses who never had to work a day in their life and had everything handed to them on a silver fucking platter. You know, the girl that was waited on hand and foot by her parents and all the boys at school because everything was too hard. That tease who always made you think you may get to touch her boobs or at least she may accidentally brush her hand across your crotch during a particularly congested house party. She always implied it, but she always knew it was never to be. A cat is that whiny little brat who passed all of her classes because her daddy has money and you don’t dare fail his darling angel. You know, the girl that you secretly hope runs away with that boy her parents hate, gets knocked up, gains one hundred pounds, moves into the poor side of the trailer park, loses her teeth and pursues a career in internet song writing including such hits as “Sunny D and Rum”? (yum-yum)

Yes cats are narcissistic assholes and I don’t believe that I am alone in that opinion. Most cat aficionados will freely admit that their cat is conniving little drama queen that demands to be attended at its whim. People don’t put bells on a cat’s collar to know where it is or warn birds, people do that so that they may be immediately available when the royal box must be sanitized else her highness shall shat upon whatever heirloom may be at hand.

Seriously, fuck cats.

The other thing I hate is Winnipeg. Winnipeg is a city in Manitoba, Canada that is filled with a bunch of festering syphilitic whores. I know this because popejenn or spaghettah nahdle or whatever the fuck she’s calling herself today hails for that strep-infested boil on Canada’s ass and she escaped with only minimum infection. It is an abomination and should probably be quarantined with a large sealed wall that is then filled with an acid of some type just to be sure. I wish I could simply chalk up my hatred to a simple geographical sports rivalry, but that would just be sad so disease and whores it is.

That said, when you combine Winnipeg, cats, a redneck, banjo and the Humane Society, I have a little less hate in my heart.

Robert Scott is allergic to cats. He doesn’t hate all cats just the two he was forced to live with growing up because “they were here first.” Thanks mom.

Pajiba After Dark 2/1/11 | Take Me Home Tonight Trailer | You Are Everything That Is Wrong In The World