Introduction and Purpose
Because we in the Scientific Community no longer work on Fridays, it’s been a while since our last Case Study In Hotness. Our poor lab coats have become wrinkled and dingy from disuse. But fear not, Junior Scientists, we’ve decided to institute Science Thursdays. We’re dusting off the beakers and firing up the bunsen burners to put to rest that question that has been causing you to toss and turn through the long dreamless nights. That is to say, which of these young actors puts the jelly in your donut, the mac in your cheese, and the swizzle in your stick?
A side by side comparison of the physical beauty of two actors will yield concrete and empirical conclusions about their ability to fog up our lab goggles. Don’t question our methodology, it’s science.
Fig. 1: Take Off Your Coats, Stay Awhile
Specimen A: Michael B. Jordan…not to be confused with the baller…though he might be the other kind of baller…who can say? (Best known for: “The Wire,” “Friday Night Lights,” “Parenthood” and Hardball which The Scientific Community saw on a date at a Drive-In and it wasn’t The Scientific Community’s first choice but it was perfect Drive-In Cheese-O-Vision.)
Specimen B: Anthony Mackie (Best known for: Out-sexing Ryan Gosling in Half Nelson, Out-sexing Jeremy Renner in The Hurt Locker, The Only Reason Outside Of Emily Blunt’s Legs To See That Hat Movie a.k.a. The Adjustment Bureau.)
Fig. 2: Everybody’s Crazy About A Sharp Dressed Man
We’re not certain why Specimens A & B felt the need to dress so formally. You’ll agree with us, surely, that the only way to truly determine aesthetic superiority is to remove all outside distractions (a.k.a. clothes) as they can only sully the pure and clinical nature of this experiment.
Fig. 3: Let’s Slide These Specimens Under The Microscope
We here in the Scientific Community thought it best to take a closer look at our Specimens. Young Mr. Jordan is clearly comfortable with the scrutiny. Cocking an eyebrow and inviting us to come even closer. Specimen B, however, waaaait, what’s this? The color microscope is on the fritz again? Where’s that grad student? Oh, she’s getting us coffee? Okay. Anyway, ahem, as we were saying, Specimen B appears less comfortable with the scrutiny, turning away, avoiding eye contact demonstrating slightly less confidence than his younger counterpart.
Fig. 4: This Heat Lamp Goes To Eleven
We will now put the Specimens under a heat lamp because, well, it seems like a science-y thing to do and not at all because we hope to make them shed their layers. I believe it was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit who said, “A sweaty body in motion tends to stay in motion unless act—” Oh, what’s that? The Specimens would like to remove some of their clothing? Well, by all means. WHAT?! It’s for Science.
Fig. 5: See? Now We Can Talk Anatomy!
If this were merely a comparison of musculature, I’m afraid Specimen A would be the clear victor. That is to say, um, we believe young Mr. Jordan has been subsisting on a steady diet of Wheaties and milk and, well, it’s done his body good. Specimen B is no slouch, but, in the scientific parlance, DAAAAAAAMMN, WALLACE. Let’s see how our Specimens fair outside of the lab.
Fig. 6: Oh. My.
While Specimen B has opted for a very classy all-white ensemble, Specimen A has chosen to present his rectus abdominus and we, the Scientific Communty, have to admit we’re not wholly comfortable with it. We knew you when you were a little thing, Specimen A! We are officially and scientifically a little creeped out.
That’s right, based on age alone Specimen B wins. If you’re feeling victorious, Mr. Mackie, go ahead and grab some lucky lady, preferably one in a lab coat, and plant a kiss on he-
Oh…you pick Jeremy Renner? Well that’s fine. WE’RE NOT UPSET! You kiss on Jeremy Renner’s neck all you like! Not that there’s anything wrong with that, you know, scientifically.