Last week, my laptop died tragically in a horrific accident that involved it being a Sony Vaio. Because I was subsequently unable to liveblog the ’90s, I turned to you, THE PEOPLE, to select the next movie. You responded with lots of wonderful suggestions, but there was one clear winner: The Cutting Edge.
I elected to rent this film OnDemand rather than watch it on iTunes or rent a DVD, so I don’t have full time stamps. If this ruins your life, your priorities need reevaluated.
0:00 - We open on slow motion hockey—it’s the first of a million slo-mo shots we’ll see. We also see one-night-stand girl and she is an abysmal actor. In fairness, her only acting direction is “he doesn’t remember my name? I AM OFFENDED AND GERMAN!”
0:02 - Moira Kelly’s eyebrow game is top notch in this movie. Flawless. Her sass game is subpar, but the extras are all given the direction of “HO-LEE FUH-KING SHIT. SHE SASS AS SHIT. DEAR GOD.” Also, John Locke is involved and he has some semblance of hair. Moira Kelly is his daughter. She appears to be telling him what he can do.
0:04 - D.B. Sweeney and Moira Kelly just slammed into each other. They hate each other. I guess this is a meet cute? Meet obnoxious? Meet dude-is-about-to-be-blinded?
0:04 - Voiceover = “I cannot stress how incredible this skater is and how bright his future is. Why there’s nothing he can’t do. He will lead the US to gold singlehandedl—oops, nevermind, blind, jk.” Guys, I’ve been watching hockey forever and I’ve seen way way worse than that minor nothing injury—he basically ran into the wall. I do worse than that to myself at work on a daily basis.
0:07 - At the same time, in slo-mo, because this movie has one move, Moira Kelly gets droppoed and the movie seems to posit that it’s because she’s a bitch. I guess. I mean, I’m a bitch and I’ve never been dropped but I’ve also never been in a position to be dropped. I could be dropped all day every day. It’s best I don’t skate.
0:08 - While Mustache Doctor informs Doug (Sweeney) that he’s blindy-like, I was about to remind you that he used to date Juliana Marguilies, then I remembered that was Ron Eldard and that Ron Eldard and D.B. Sweeney are different people.
0:09 - My favorite thing in movies is when a movie tells you that characters are brothers by having them refer to each other as “Little Brother” and “Big Brother.” This movie is throwing exposition at us like a tennis ball machine filled with exposition instead of tennis balls because now not only do we know that Doug works at his brother’s bar, but he’s applied to 23 pro teams and they’ve all turned him down, and he’s a fighter, which we know because his brother dramatically yells “are you gonna fight me?” This took place in about 24 seconds.
0:12 - In other exposition news, Kate (Kelly) is a bitch. We know this because her Russian coach says “what a bitch” when another partner quits and they rattle off the reasons all the other partners quit or get fired. John Lock tells him to find another partner because no one tells John Lock what he can’t do except for Kate who can be seen frequently telling him what he can’t do.
0:13 - Russian coach is now in Minnesota to visit Doug and get him to come be Kate’s new partner. We are 13 minutes in. This movie is moving at a fucking clip.
0:14 - Doug is put in a Limo. He is taken through a Gate. Then he arrives at a…modest house. I guess the budget ran out. Whatever, Kate and John Locke are rich as shit. We know this because she has her own skating rink. “Vee have ice every day,” says Russian coach man who always wears a newsboy cap because he is Russian and calls Doug DOOGLASS.
0:16 - Kate won’t shake Doug’s hand because bitch. Then she does and he won’t let go because asshole. We’re supposed to be rooting for these two. It’s supposed to be a blue collar boy meets rich priss. What it is is two shitty people starring in our movie. UGH. Everyone sucks. JUST SKATE ALREADY.
0:18 - For what it’s worth, my husband kindly decided to sit with me during this one because he’d never seen it. He just got up to play a video game.
0:18 - We have our first “toe pick.” The dialogue goes like this:
“Toe pick? Let me guess. It has something to do with personal hygiene.”
“I wouldn’t let that get in your way.”
“I don’t let anything get in my way.”
So that’s basically what we’re working with here.
0:19 - The rest of the movie basically alternates between mild sexual harassment (Doug) and mild attempted murder through ice skating (both of them). And also yelling things like “You…you…cretin!” because Kate is proper which in this movie means weird as shit.
0:21 - John Locke is all “here’s a check; sorry my daughter’s such a bitch nightmare.” Doug is like “NOBODY PUTS CHECKS IN A CORNER” or something and for literally no reason decides he’s got something to prove. I remind you this is minute 21 of a 101-minute movie. The entire story is getting under way in 20 minutes to make way for a 60-minute skating montage.
0:23 - So, here’s the problem with this movie… one of the problems with this movie. Kate is an Olympic skater, but only partner, but she can’t get along with partners. That’s her entire character. So why doesn’t she just skate solo? That solves literally EVERY problem.
0:25 - Oh but we don’t have time for such concerns, not during the toe pick montage, scored by the ’90sest song that ever ’90sed.
0:27 - Doug tells Kate he lost his college scholarship when he couldn’t play hockey anymore. Wait. Is he supposed to be 19-22 years old? He looks well into his 30s.
0:28 - Now he’s teaching Kate how to play hockey. She’s playing with all the spastic anger of a caffeinated chihuahua who’s been locked in a crate all day. She inevitably breaks his face. Except she doesn’t. Because “toe pick?” I don’t get it. The puck hit him in the face. It’s almost like this isn’t a very good movie.
0:31 - Oh wait, I lied, this song is the ’90sest song that ever ’90sed. It’s sounds and noises and repeated sounds and repeated noises. It’s very Real McCoy.
0:32 - So Doug’s already a really good skater doing fancy spin jumps. But he is weirded out by touching her in the crotch hinge. The crotch hinge will getcha everytime. I’ve seen the crotch hinge and the damage done.
0:33 - There is some kind of runner in this movie about alarm clocks and reggae music and you guys I don’t know I feel like only the movie is in on it and we’re really not. It’s so hard to tell in a movie that’s 97-percent montage.
0:35 - Kate’s topless brushing her hair dreamily staring out the window. Like we all do every day.
0:36 - Doug buys Kate Bobby Hull’s game sweater. She doesn’t know what it is. He’s shocked and hurt. WHY. WHY WOULD SHE KNOW WHAT THAT IS. SHE JUST LEARNED WHAT A HOCKEY PUCK WAS WHEN SHE SLAPPED ONE IN HIS FACE. She got him Great Expectations. They’re both terrible at Christmas.
0:37 - Now there’s a party with a band that is clearly not playing the music scoring the scene because the band is like a five-piece sax number and the song is a full-band version of “Love Shack.” Kate is there with her boyfriend. Doug seems jealous. They’re doing that thing where they decide the characters are in love for no reason even though they’ve been hideous assholes the whole movie. That’s a stupid thing.
0:41 - Now Doug is talking to women with scrunchies and Kate is jealous. NOW HE’S KISSING THEM. DEPTH! DRAMA!
0:45 - Now Doug’s back home in Minnesota where more women in scrunchies kiss him. Women in scrunchies love this guy. He hasn’t told his family about his figure skating. He’s now having to come out as a figure skater to his brother’s whole bar. His brother is horrified. “Was it me? Was it something I did?” This movie has hidden depths.
0:48 - Back at skating, Doug rips off his intricate beaded costume all rebelliously. What we don’t see is him getting a bill for $800. Also Doug and Kate are fighting about classical versus rock music. THEY’RE SO DIFFERENT! Kate’s boyfriend is horrified. “It’s after midnight!” Her boyfriend is basically the exact same character as Daphne Zuniga’s boyfriend from The Sure Thing.
0:50 - Oh good, more slo-mo skating. If not for the slow motion, this would be a 35-minute movie.
0:52 - Hale (of course his name is Hale) has asked Kate to marry him. She’s said yes. That’s how he announces how this took place. So romantic. But Kate and Doug have…a look. Now it’s time for a sad Kate skating montage. *sigh* Only the ice understands her. The song lyrics are all “turning ciiiiiiirclesssss….” so we know she’s so full of thoughts.
0:57 - Now it’s Nationals in Chicago. Doug just got hit on by a boy. He is NOT used to such things. He also got hit on by a girl. She looks like an off-brand Debi Mazar. THEY GONNA FUCK. Kate is SO JEALOUS. She is thrashing around her hotel room. Hale is reading the paper. They always are.
0:59 - “This hasn’t got anything to do with skating has it?” Hale’s a fucking genius. “…Foreplay!” Oh wow, he might actually be.
1:00 - On the outset, this is a skating montage, but what it really is is an ugly bangs montage. With a cameo of Doug vomiting montage.
1:02 - She’s making him look at her and breathe but she’s not making him chew some gum or a mint. THIS IS FICTION.
1:04 - So much slo-mo. So much.
1:07 - They didn’t make the Olympics. Aw nuts.
1:08 - Just kidding. They made it to the Olympics. Deux ex leiderhosen! Now it’s time for tequila shots. Because it’s important that someone who has never had alcohol in her life to immediately do multiple shots of tequila. Then dance in slo-mo because fucking goddamn of course.
1:10 - Somewhere she found a fur coat because of course she did.
1:12 - There’s a weird thing in movies where drunk women get really mad when men don’t date rape them and it makes me very uncomfortable. She’s, like, prude-shaming him for not taking her to tequila-soaked pound town. So instead he turns to the mini-bar, gets as drunk as she is and then has sex with off-brand Debi Mazar who compliments him on his “sit spin.” This movie has very unsavory sexual politics.
1:15 - Kate sees Doug with OBDM and is HORRIFIED. Also, apparently the timeline of this movie is a year and a half. Holy shit. Genuinely never would have figured that out on my own.
1:17 - There is uncomfortable awkwardness, and Russian coach offers them the literally impossible Pamchenko. Now it’s time for a montage of Moira Kelly’s face bouncing off the ice dramatically.
1:20 - John Locke has an empty glass case just waiting for a gold medal. No pressure or anything, Kate.
1:22 - Now it is OLYMPICS! OLYMPICKY MONTAGE OF OLYMPICKYNESS! I cannot overstate the amount of montages in this movie.
1:24 - They are skating the same skate before but now it is hateful skating (I mean, it looks the same to me but the announcers are telling me it is very different). Kate is so upset she wants to take the Pamchenko out of the program. NO! NOT THE THING WE JUST LEARNED ABOUT LESS THAN 10 MINUTES AGO!
1:27 - Kate admits she has crippling anger and daddy issues and there are only 10 minutes left of the movie so I feel like that’s not going to get fixed. She tells Doug his life with her must have been a nightmare and apologizes profusely and if this wasn’t a skating rom-com I’d be convinced the next shot of her would be slitting her wrists with an ice skate. But instead it’s another sadness montage.
1:30 - Kate’s decided she’s retiring. In movie logic, it’s because she’s in love so it’s a terrible idea. In real life, I mean, she’d be like 24 or 25 and frankly that’s geriatric so it’s basically time to die anyway.
1:33 - Doug is trying to tell Kate he loves her. He is awkward. But then he just says it and then they have to take the ice because movie timing is a special thing. She tells him she wants to do the Pamchenko, which is her way of saying “I love you” which is more literally saying “I want you to spin me around and potentially slam me against the ground then throw me in the air and kill me in the face.”
So they do that. I guess. It’s hard to tell. You literally never see more than two seconds of skating at a time in this movie. D.B. Sweeney and Moira Kelly could clearly only skate about as well as any given 10 year old. But they fall in love and kiss and probably win the Olympics and AMURICA!
Thank you for joining me on this journey through ice and fire and TOE PICKS. You’re all the gold medal winners in the Olympics of my heart.