Last night’s Golden Globe Awards were … not bad? Three hours is still too long, even if it’s almost entirely handing out awards and awards speeches. Other than the monologue, the Cecil B. DeMille Award, and the Carol Burnett Award, it was three hours of awards. The problem with the Golden Globes is that there are just too many awards, and yet I wouldn’t cut any, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
A lot happened. Fleabag won a lot of things, deservedly. Succcession won best drama, deservedly. The best movie of the year, Parasite, won Best Foreign film, deservedly. A movie most of us haven’t seen because it hasn’t gone wide yet, 1917, won Best Drama and Best Director, and I have no idea whether it was deserved or not. Quentin Tarantino and Once Upon a Time in Hollywood came away with a lot of wins (including Brad Pitt, who it was fun to see give a speech! I wish his speech had been more interesting!). There was some clear tipsiness among some winners (Olivia Colman, adorably; Joaquin Phoenix, obnoxiously). Despite Ricky Gervais’ dumb attempt to encourage the winners not to talk about politics, Michelle Williams gave a wonderful speech about the importance of access to abortion; Patricia Arquette implored viewers to vote; Joaquin Phoenix suggested … something something.
I’m not going to run down the entire show’s worth of moments, but here were the five best.
1. Sacha Baron Cohen zings the sh*t out of Mark Zuckerberg.
2. Phoebe Waller-Bridge insinuates that she wants to fuck President Obama.
phoebe rly said thanks obama😭 pic.twitter.com/wZCXY1Up3A"— liz (@biglttlefleabag) January 6, 2020
3. Kate McKinnon gave a terrific speech introducing Ellen Degeneres, who won the Carol Burnett Award. It was lovely, and all due respect to Ellen for being who she was in the ’90s, I just wish she were more worthy of this speech today.
4. Stellan Skarsgård, who won Best Supporting Actor for Chernobyl, gave the best speech of the night. It was about his eyebrows. It was perfection.
5. Tom Hanks accepted the Cecil B. DeMille Award, and his speech was seriously way too long. But it was Tom Hanks, so it was fine, and of course he used his speech to emphasize the importance of showing up on time and knowing your lines. He also got very emotional a couple of times, particularly when reflecting on his family.
Charlize Theron gave a really good tribute to Hanks in introducing him, as well.
Hanks was also the meme of the night, thanks to his response to the Gervais monologue.
Downside: Tom Hanks’ son, Chet, was also there, unfortunately.
Alexa, what’s the word for when something is simultaneously hideously embarrassing AND grossly offensive? https://t.co/Q61BskRLLj— TK (@TKhatesyou) January 6, 2020
As for the worst? I didn’t hate Gervais’ monologue as much as some, because some of it was warranted, even if it was stupid hypocritical. Some of it was really bad. Some of it stung in a way that was merited. This wasn’t in the monologue, but, I mean: It’s not funny, but it is true:
As for the Joaquin Phoenix speech? I hated it. It was messy and obnoxious, and then there’s a big wind-up so that he could implore his fellow actors … not to take private jets. Ok.
He was a jackass afterward, too.
Is it really that necessary to be such a dick? pic.twitter.com/zZoJQzg4uq— Olivia Marks (@OliviaLilyMarks) January 6, 2020
Renee Zellwegger’s speech was also something of a mess. I mean, good for her for winning, but that speech was like a Dolly Parton speech, but honey, she ain’t Dolly Parton. Also, I know she’s from Texas, but why has her accent deepened since all of her other Golden Globe speeches? (I checked a couple of her older speeches, and if there’s a Texas accent, it’s slight). Also, it hasn’t been 17 years, Renee. It’s been 13, and this is your fourth win and seventh nomination, so don’t be all, “Lil ole me” about the win.