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The 10 Best Comments of the Week Features a Talking Cravat Charmer

By Prolixity Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | January 6, 2012 |

By Prolixity Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | January 6, 2012 |

Eloquent Eloquence is a compilation of the ten best comments of the week. Comments in reviews are not eligible for inclusion.

There is a link in the commenter’s name that will take you to the original post.

10. This is just the wake up call I needed. You think you have some control, that you’ll evaluate every comment before posting, but then you get caught up in the rush and you find yourself saying things like “PICTURE HOT BOY AWSOOOME eekkk111!!!!111” and pretty soon you’re spewing nonsense daily. DAILY. It’s unacceptable. I promise next year to only contribute Human-Centipede-song level comments. Only quality, literate …

OOOoohhh, I’m next to Tracer! HOW YOU DOIN’, BABY? - Lauren

9. As awful as this show is, I could see somehow really enjoying this show if it was a Telenovela and I couldn’t understand a word. There would be long stares between the two guys and “unsuspecting” doctors. The one with a wife and child would abandon them for a doctor, only to find out the doctor was really a woman dressing like a man as the only way for her to be hired by an oppressive Chief of Medicine.

Then when the doctor found out the pharm rep was really a man she would then go tell his wife, only to fall for the wife and begin stalking her.

Then the family dog has a heart attack , the doctor saves him, the daughter tries to commit suicide and the doctor saves her. Then the pharm rep, his wife, and the doctor move to utah and marry each other.

The end. - L.O.V.E.

8. L.O.V.E., here’s my Top Ten:

10. Watch the entire first season of My Little Pony .
9. Watch the entire second season of My Little Pony .
8. Get caught watching zoophile fisting porn on the internet.
7. Tongue kiss my brother.
6. Get tongue kissed by my brother.
5. Watch an Adam Sandler movie marathon.
4. Gouge my eyes out with a grapefruit spoon.
3. Visit a leather bar while wearing a Santorum t-shirt.
2. Cheer for the motherfucking Miami godsdamned Dolphins.
1. Listen to all 10,772 GOP presidential debates. - The Wanderer

7. Rachel McAdams looks cute but bitey in that picture. Soooo, there’s your answer. She’s like your next door neighbor, who’s real, real pretty and sweet, but there’s always an undercurrent of something dangerous that you can’t quite put your finger on. Like, that time when you were little kids together and you stumbled across that dead dog and she was a little too excited and kept wanting to go back to look at it day after day? Sure, she’s just a curious little girl, but she never seemed so curious about playing sports, or games. Why this fixation on the rotting corpse of a dog? Is her behavior innocent or the slightest hint of a dark, cruel obsession? Of course, she’s too smart to ever let you really know what she thinks. She just shows you a little bit, like a shark just deep enough under the surface that you can barely make out its silhouette. but you know it’s there. And when you try and bring this up in conversation with other people, they’ll think you are being paranoid and brush it off. Then, once you’ve finally allowed them to convince you that it was all in your head, McAdams will corner you in a hallway at a party while everyone else is distracted and whisper “You were right, you know. See you later, honeybunch,” peck you on the cheek, flash you that smile, which now seems more like a baring of teeth, and glide into the crowd, making a beeline for the one you love most. - Matty

6. Why did that whole government thing happen again?

Because “early days” of The War On An Emotion(*), the US was in a reactionary frenzy of protecting Amurrikens from the Wrong-Godded Islamo-people, while the allegedly civil-rights-oriented pseudo-opposition party lay supine(**), legs in the air like Mindy Erickson a short while after leaving the party - not with Doc Doom(***).

These days the “anything goes” has been systematized and codified, so it’s like, official and stuff, while the current opposition party snipes half-heartedly in public, while singing the theme song to “Team America” when the cameras are off.
Oh … why seizing those particular servers and / or targeting Pajiba? No reason. They don’t need a reason.

I like to think some bumbling bureaucrat misunderstoodenated “Pajiba” as a seekret Terrorist code word, or something. That would be cool because this particular site is about as offensive to medievalist / fundamentalist Islam as is possible without directly blaspheming The Prophet. (Peace be upon him - sincerely.)

Of course one indicator of imminent martyrdom among the blow-people-up people seems to be a strip-club binge, so some of their moral restrictions seem a bit … fluid.

(*) “Terror” is an emotion. “Terrorism” is a method. “War” applies to existential struggles between nation-states. A “War On Terror” is absurd, except for its malleability. Also, actually eliminating “terror” can be just as effectively pursued by pumping Xanax into the water supply here as bombing things over there.
(**) We got it spectacularly wrong about 14 different ways, and neither party’s shallow / quick “position” is remotely right, especially in their Pavlovian need to screech that every single thing done by Those Other Guys is bad and wrong.
(***) Sadly, Mindy didn’t leave with me either. - BierceAmbrose

5. Nice. Combine the last line from the slapping video with the screams from the first video and that’s what I imagine a typical weekend at TK’s sounds like. - Groundloop

4. Still waiting for Pookie’s 10 best (or worst) accusations of racism. - maka

3. Y’know, I’ve always wanted to start a party band called “Sir Kumcision and the 4 Skins”. We’d play Bar Mitzvahs, etc.

Think of the possibilities for album titles:

“Cuts Like a Knife”
“Hurts so Good”
“The First Cut is the Deepest”
“The Tip of the Iceberg”
“All Around the Watchtower”

Seriously, they practically write themselves. - NateS1973

2. Unfortunately the shark’s promising career was cut short after an ill fated appearance on Happy Days. - John W

1. (The above is what my wife’s vagina whispers at night. She thinks I can’t hear it over the white noise machine. But I can. And I do.) - ChristianH

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.